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Reviews from
The Thing


A close call for a little girl

  18 total reviews 
Comment by
lyenochka
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  5
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  4
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  8
Script Rating
  Rank:  3
Review Stars
  Rank:  5
 

#4 Ranked Author

#8 Ranked Novelist

#5 Ranked Poet

#3 Ranked Script Writer

#5 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
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This is a really creepy story and yes, there are such creeps out there. At least this one was just an exhibitionist but there are dangerous pedophiles out there. Well told story.


 Comment Written 21-Jun-2019



reply by the author on 21-Jun-2019
    I appreciate your read and the kind words. It was a close call, wasn't it?
Comment by
sandragee
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Carrie is six, and her thoughts are of school, clothes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You did a great job of capturing her child-like innocence.
We are aware of the stranger-danger, but your tale reminds us of the danger of the familiar, that sex offenders sometimes lure victims with their smile.
Good writing.


 Comment Written 01-Jun-2019



reply by the author on 01-Jun-2019
    Thank you for your astute perception and kind words.
Comment by
way2gokevs
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Through the eyes of a child, the innocence taken for granted. A lively story, well written, you have penetrated the mind of a young child.
One would hope that in today's awareness of this kind of behaviour is not the norm. Thanks for sharing, cheers, Kev.


 Comment Written 31-May-2019



reply by the author on 31-May-2019
    Thank you for reading, the review, and the kind words.
Comment by
Patty Palmer
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  Rank:  101 (+4)
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  Rank:  35
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Review Stars
  Rank:  26
 
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Thank God she was able to get out of the car and run! I was thinking he might have locked the door so she couldn't run. I'm thinking she won't tell anyone because she was interested in her peanut butter sandwich! You wrote that so well I swear I could see the whole thing as it was happening!


 Comment Written 31-May-2019



reply by the author on 31-May-2019
    Oh, thank you all over the place, for that last line especially. I think you're right -- peanut butter took precedence, and she was lucky.
Comment by
Michele Harber
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  79
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  32
Review Stars
  Rank:  110
 
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Ouch! What a painful situation. I don't know whether to be more scared or relieved that the child in your story wasn't fully aware of the danger of the situation. You did a good job of showing what goes on in a child's mind, with curiosity coming before fear, and with what's immediately important to her, in this case the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, coming before everything. This is written very believably from the child's perspective, but did leave a number of unanswered questions, i.e.:
1. Who was he? What was his connection to her?
2. How did he know her name and where she lived?
3. Why would he take her home?
4. Why would he continue to expose himself so close to her home?
5. Why did he let her go as easily as he did?

I apologize for all the questions, and hope you take them as a compliment to your story. If it weren't involving, and if I weren't caught up in your story and characters, I wouldn't be interested in the answers.


 Comment Written 31-May-2019



reply by the author on 31-May-2019
    She knew him by name--and he her--because it was a small, rural town. Perhaps he didn't dare take her anyplace but home. He probably felt safe, because of the rural environment, to expose himself, although he did exhibit nerve; I think perverts often take chances. To keep her longer would carry the danger of creating exposure--people would be looking for her, and she might have become afraid and cried to her parents. I realize it left unanswered questions, but I meant to show in a subtle way how her young mind worked. Thank you for your review and your interest.

reply by Michele Harber on 31-May-2019
    You absolutely did show how her mind worked, and did so beautifully and in direct correlation with the contest prompt. Your story captured my attention, which is why I wanted to know more. Thanks for answering my questions.

reply by the author on 31-May-2019
    Thank you again.

reply by Michele Harber on 31-May-2019
    You?re very welcome.
Comment by
BeasPeas
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  Rank:  38 (+1)
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Review Stars
  Rank:  12
 
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Love the image of this beautiful child. MonaLisaesque.

Carrie was lucky the guy didn't keep on driving, lock her in and force himself upon her. Something seriously wrong with sex offenders' wiring. Your story is described and handled well. Marilyn


 Comment Written 25-May-2019



reply by the author on 26-May-2019
    Thank you, Marilyn, for the nice review and the stars.
Comment by
Brett Matthew West
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  Rank:  24
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  Rank:  165
 
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Paragraph one sets the danger lurking element. "She'd wear" seems to imply she was going to visit. Perhaps "She wore" would fit better here? Just a thought. Paragraph four presents the danger itself. Perhaps separate "facing her" and "Getting no". For young children this story once again re-enforces the fact they should never accept rides from strangers. One plot question. "Carrie" knew the man. In a small town, not sure an event like this would happen. Usually, everyone knows everyone in such places and that would be very high risk for him to perform this act in one.


 Comment Written 20-May-2019



reply by the author on 20-May-2019
    Thank you for your review and the stars. I'll explain a couple things. Tense: "She wore" would indicate past tense, when actually she was thinking of what she would wear on the first day of school. As indicated in the opening sentence, she didn't accept a ride with a stranger; she knew the man. He took a chance that she would never tell, and in fact she (I) didn't. The "facing her" and "Getting no" somehow got distorted in translation. "Getting no" begins a new paragraph on my original. I've noticed this on a few pieces I've reviewed; maybe it's an occasional glitch in the site's presentation.
Comment by
Sally Law
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  31
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  2
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  6
Review Stars
  Rank:  9
 

#2 Ranked Author

#6 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
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I came close to this as a child but I broke for the door and ran like an Olympic sprinter. My mom reported him to the police. He offered me lemonade and said he had a picture he wanted to show me. I was a beautiful little girl and I think he had devious plans for me. God was there to protect me, thankfully. This was so well written line by line building tension. I was relieved at the end!
Always my best,
Sal :+)


 Comment Written 08-May-2019



reply by the author on 08-May-2019
    Thank you for your stars, assessment, and companion story.
Comment by
Sandra du Plessis
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Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  9
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  55
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  4
 

#9 Ranked Poet

#4 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
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A very well-written flash fiction. A close encounter for Carrie and she had a chance to escape on time before anything could happen. Children should be warned not to go with anyone else but their parents.


 Comment Written 07-May-2019



reply by the author on 07-May-2019
    Thank you for the review and good words.
Comment by
heavenempress
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  Rank:  167
 
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Hi. This is splendid piece of writing prompt. You have a good command of English and the action flowed well and very captivating. All the best in the contest. All the best.


 Comment Written 07-May-2019



reply by the author on 07-May-2019
    Thank you. Such nice compliments.
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