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29 total reviews
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
 Rank: 13 | Author Rating For Novels
| Script Rating
| Review Stars
 Rank: 78 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Script Rating
| Review Stars
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Comment by | | May All Beings Be Happy | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 78 | Author Rating For Short Works
| Review Stars
Rank: 149 | | | |
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Stellar writing, dear friend. Your work is certainly a notch above most Fanstory offerings. Sorry I missed the first two. Busy editing for clients and only visiting FS a few minutes here and there in between. I hope to read this story in full eventually (if you're sending it at a later stage?)
This captures the court scene quite precisely and realistically. It also delivers both sides so the reader can weight it out for themselves...
Excellent character development via dialog, descriptive narrative and apt action tags.
Excellent pacing and sentence mechanics (even the long ones).
I love the smattering of poetic touches I find in your prose. For example, the personification here is imaginative:
Serious work is carried out here, their silent majesty proclaims. There is no room for mirth.
And I applaud your imaginative and original similes, like this one:
"Good morning," he says, with a voice so deep Meg can actually feel it rumble in her chest cavity, idling like an oversized race car.
A few spag and minor (optional) suggestions:
The judge is a serious-faced man(,) who(m) Meg guesses to be in his middle-sixties.
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Assault With A(a) Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Carjacking.
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Judge Alderman addresses the prosecutor. "Mr. Deutsch?"
Maybe add 'with a nod'?
Judge Alderman addresses the prosecutor with a nod. "Mr. Deutsch?"
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"The State will prove(,) beyond a reasonable doubt(,) that after he rendered Steven Cosgrove unconscious, the defendant, Thomas Donnelly, exited the Cosgroves' home and headed south, to 3123 Ballard Avenue -- right next door -- where Allen and Stephanie Wong were returning home with their children from a family reunion". (move period inside quotes)
(Also, no spaces before and after dashes)
*GOOD PLACE FOR ANOTHER SIMILE:
The prosecutor pauses again, and the severity of the couples' impending nightmare takes root in the pit of Meg's stomach and climbs upward toward her heart.
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"The State will prove(,) beyond a reasonable doubt, with testimony from witnesses,
*She is an attractive woman(,) who(m) Meg guesses to be in her late forties.
*She is farm-girl(-)sturdy
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Laurie Rennert points to her client(,) whose head remains motionless, his chin still tucked back toward his throat.
*spacing typo:
you are the person in the group people will rememb er seeing.
Very nice closing note:
Meg looks again at Tommy, and this time he gives her a shy, endearing smile.
I hope to be able to read more installments...will try...but pretty swamped these days (in a good way).
Love,
rd
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Comment Written 19-Jun-2019 |
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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2019
Wow, Rama! You did a ton of work here for me! Thank you VERY much; I'll get right on these.
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reply by rama devi on 20-Jun-2019
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | north carolina | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 115  (+2) | Author Rating For Short Works
Rank: 96 | Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
Rank: 77 | | | |
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Comment by| 2019 Novelist of the Year | | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 70 (+1) | Author Rating For Short Works
Rank: 85 | Author Rating For Novels
Rank: 2 | Review Stars
Rank: 45 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 78 | Author Rating For Short Works
Rank: 72 | Review Stars
Rank: 120 | | | |
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The best compliment I can offer you, Rachelle, is that this doesn't read as contest entry or a writing submission to a website but, rather, as a chapter from any good book by a reputable author that I've ever read. In other words, reading this without benefit of FanStory, I would say that it were written by a professional author and not a hobbyist.
Despite that, there are still a few areas where I think I can help to make improvements. I'll save these for when we get down to brass tacks next month, but there is one that I want to bring up now, in particular, while this is being presented as a stand-alone chapter and not in the context of the book as a whole. Despite your changing font size and adding italics, I would still do more to delineate the flashbacks. My suggestion is either a left-side or double-sided indent. Especially where you go back to the present tense in the last line, it reads as though it's a continuation of what came immediately before, causing a readjustment to mentally get back to the present tense. Similarly, of one hadn't read the first chapter you'd posted, it might not be immediately identifiable that you're going into a flashback. An indent will solve the problem without otherwise being an interference.
Overall, this is an amazing entry, and I wish you luck in the contestl
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Comment Written 18-Jun-2019 |
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reply by the author on 19-Jun-2019
Thank you very much for all your kind words and, of course, for your editing suggestions, as well. I will get right on that change!
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reply by Michele Harber on 19-Jun-2019
Excellent. Your writing skills are amazing, Rachelle!
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Review Stars
Rank: 224 | | | |
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Given Meg's continual flashbacks about Vincent, you well capture her anxiety as a juror in a case that so reminds her of him and his tendency to get into trouble -- often because of his associations.
Your descriptions of the "majesty" of the courtroom, the stately judge, the imposing Prosecutor (earringless "doppelganger for Mr. Clean"), the Defense Attorney ("farm-girl sturdy" with "book smarts as well as street smarts"), and the frightened Defendant bring them all to life in the reader's mind.
The Prosecutor's manner is realistic as he summarizes his case as though it were unquestionable, eliciting sympathy from the jurors for the victims of the alleged crime.
Then the Defense Attorney reveals that a better suspect exists -- a drug addict needing money for his next fix, who happens to be a "lifelong friend" of the Defendant, and even has somewhat similar appearance. Also, the victims could not identify her client, Tommy, as the perpetrator. In fact, she claims, Tommy had rejected participation in the crime and gone home beforehand. Of course, corroboration of that will be needed; but she did succeed in casting doubt on the Prosecutor's case.
By this time, Meg is fully involved in a flashback to Vincent's experience before a judge, who chose to be stern but lenient.
Thus, the reader's curiosity about what will happen next is cranked up to the max by the time the chapter ends. If I were reading this in a book, I would not put it down at this moment. Superb.
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Comment Written 18-Jun-2019 |
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reply by the author on 18-Jun-2019
Ohhh, magical words to read! Thank you from the heart, Mike. This review means the world to me...in LOTS of ways, as you know! xo
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reply by WalkerMan on 18-Jun-2019
You are most welcome, Rachelle. This is a story type I had not read before, and I find it interesting as well as well written. -- Mike
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