Take Your Burdens to Jesus
This is a 5-7-5 poetry writing
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Reviews from
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ABC Poem

  9 total reviews 
Comment by
Adri7enne
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  Rank:  282
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow! I'm impressed with the layers of perspectives, brought out by brilliant punctuation. It all falls together like a game of magic cubes. I love it.


 Comment Written 25-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 26-Aug-2019
    Many thanks for the great review and the gift of stars!

    Steve
Comment by
2019 Poet of the Year
Dolly'sPoems
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 Rank:  4
 

#2 Ranked Poet

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A fine ABC poem filled with the knowledge of what really existed behind this smile, I enjoyed your words here Steve and wish you luck with the contest, love Dolly x


 Comment Written 20-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Thanks, Dolly, and congratulations on your latest win in the rhyming poem contest.

    Steve
Comment by
juliaSjames
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Hi Steve

A lyrical love poem indeed. Rhyme and meter reflect the " music of her smile"- that "je ne sais quoi "that entranced the writer.
The resultant disaster is well symbolized by the train wreck metaphor. Fantastic ABC entry.

My personal opinion is that an ellipsis rather than a comma would work better at the end of the first line. Because I see an unwritten mental shrug between the first line and the second.

It's an ambitious write. You like to push boundaries with the short ones, don't you? I'm a more sedate poet so I admire your courageous flamboyance.

Best of luck in the contest.
Blessings Julia


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Thanks, Julia.
    You are right that I try to push boundaries- I don't see how 'same ol, same ol' is going to catch the judges' eyes (despite evidence to the contrary sometimes!)

    This one may seem a little weird and it's confused some reviewers. Confused me a bit too, as it's just what poured out and it flowed nicely, so I decided to keep it!

    Steve

reply by juliaSjames on 20-Aug-2019
    You go, Steve! To thine own self be true!

Comment by
Sugarray77
Melissa
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Hey Steve.. You opened this up with a colorful question mark, so I was prepared for the posing of an unknown, but I truly do not understand the theme of this verse. Just an observation.

Melissa


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Thanks, Melissa - you're not the only one confused, so don't worry. One of those poems where the words seem to write themselves - in this instance I liked the flow and the sound so I kept them intact, even though the meaning may require considerable excavation.

    Perhaps think of it as a story of love at first sight, even though the 'speaker' knows the relationship will be a train wreck.

    Steve

reply by Sugarray77 on 20-Aug-2019
Comment by
Y. M. Roger
FantasyGirl
 
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  Rank:  5
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  Rank:  9
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  Rank:  7
 

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Yeah.... sometimes there's just something there... perhaps something only we can see... and we just KNOW! :) A wonderful ABC offering, Steve -- love the impression you paint for the reader! ;) ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck in the contest! ;) Yvette


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Yvette, many thanks for reading and reviewing (and understanding!)

    Steve
Comment by
Iza Deleanu
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  Rank:  13
 

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Very nice balanced poem - beginning and end on the same note: "Because I knew..." It's a clean ABC poem wit glimpses of love intervene in the substrate of the poem : "Her smile, careening like a freight train off the rails." Good luck with the contest.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Thank you very much for the kind words.

    Steve
Comment by
CrystieCookie999
 
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  Rank:  60
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  Rank:  49
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  Rank:  6
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  Rank:  37
 

#6 Ranked Script Writer
Excellent
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This poem seems to deal with the question of why would a man take a chance on an attractive woman when there were warning signs all over. It is all for the sake of the "music of her smile." That would, of course, justify flouting the flashing signals and the wails of other passengers (parents? friends?) remonstrating such a choice. But then, as poets we value love above logic more often than not.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Yep! Look at Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath - there was a train-wreck of a love affair if ever there was one!

    Thanks for the thoughtful reading.

    Steve
Comment by
Pam (respa)
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  Rank:  22
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  Rank:  29
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  Rank:  24
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
-Nice artwork and
presentation, Steve.
-I like the formatting of your poem.
-The imagery is vivid and
paints a good word picture
of this woman.
-From everything going on-
all the signals and the wails-
I'm not surprised that you knew!
-We'll leave it at that!
-Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Thanks, Pam!

    Steve

reply by Pam (respa) on 20-Aug-2019

reply by Pam (respa) on 20-Aug-2019
    You are welcome, Steve.
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 3 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
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  Rank:  259 (+1)
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  Rank:  21
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  Rank:  252
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi Steve,

As I read this, I forgot about the formatting requirements which is perfect in a competition or piece when a strict format is required. it surpasses the requirements rather than being a slave to them.

This isn't just a chopped up phrase or sentence like so many of these (including many of mine!) can be. lol

It also says something and speaks to something so many can relate to.

nice job
G


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Thanks, Gareth. You were first batter up to review this, so I was delighted with the six stars and the kind words, especially because it is one of those where I'm not even sure myself what's going on - it just felt right!

    Steve
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