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Out Standing Stories and Poems


Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Beware the Melted Faced Boy?"

A Book of Horror and Honor.

  13 total reviews 
Comment by
Cindy Warren
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  Rank:  173
 
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That's sad. Poor Destiny! But if the parents saw it, why weren't those awful boys punished? For a crime like that they should have been chaged as adults and thrown in jail.


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
    Well there will be a conclusion Cindy it all has to do with what's currently happening.
    But you need to read the next section called Destiny's plan it's all in her civilities and that doll that she carries!
    Thanks,
    Ricky
Comment by
Sylvia Page
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Ricky, I am giving you 5 stars for your story. Sorry to state though that there are many faults that can be put right. I'll do it for you, but right now I am pressed for time. Please go over this as it is a very good story. I'll be very happy to help you develop your writing skills.
Best,
Sylvia.


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
    there's actually two parts to this along with Destiny's playing and there will be a part 3 I know one part I think it was the first one I didn't edit I forgot but it is corrected now and thanks Sylvia.
    Ricky
Comment by
PteGIJane
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Your story line was well written and believable. Unfortunately, it aligns with some of the hatred that we see today especially when perpetrators of violence towards women and children which go unscathed. Back in earlier times I imagine that revenge was their only justice against such a heinous, cowardly crime against an innocent child.

I only a couple constructive criticism statements to make. I suggest that you proof read your chapters again. There are a couple grammar errors that I saw. In one instance you used the word weather instead of whether. In another sentence you used the word the when you probably meant to put the word they in that sentence.

Excellent work!


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
    Thanks GI Jane.
    And, I'll check those errors out. And you're right.
    I forgot whether can be spelled two ways.
    And, I kind of knew it but forgot it.
    I guess it's the 64 years of age setting in.
    LOL!!
    But to understand fully this story?
    You have to read "Destiny's Plan?" That's the second part and then the final conclusion!
    will be getting posted on the 25th of course
    And thanks!
    Dr. Ricky 1024
Comment by
Gert sherwood
 
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  Rank:  51 (+2)
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 Rank:  64
 
Gert sherwood Recommends:
Words are the Fruit of Poetry
I like sitting under our apple tree
Pays:10 points
10 member cents

 
Excellent
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Hello Ricky 1024

How I wish I could you a 6 for your excellent way you told your story and wonderful poem that held my full attention.

Gert


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
    In order to be able to fully understand.
    Gert, you need to read the second section.
    "Destiny's Plan?" And finally the conclusion with tovbe release on the 25th.
    Ricky

reply by Gert sherwood on 23-Aug-2019
    Hello Ricky
    Now are you saying that you have already posted the second section of
    "Destiny's Plan?"
    Gert
Comment by
Alcreator Litt Dear
 
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 Rank:  11
 
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Excellent taletelling, the story of destiny and fate, a nice message proposed and shown with example through the progress of the story, destiny could do nothing at all; well said, well done. Liked and enjoyed the read. Write to Inspire, Change.


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2019
    Continued Support?
    Always much appreciated.
    AlcreatorLitt Dear.
    Ricky..
Comment by
Lulube
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  Rank:  241
 
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Fairly gruesome demise.
now for a lighter point of view on life from Rick, I;ll wait. lol No one can even imagine the pain and mental horrors one would be plagued with.

lulube I think at that point, I rather die


 Comment Written 20-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Yes I would say most people would but there's an amazing thing they can do with graphs of skin which is the major organ in the body to save wise and make a difference!
    Thanks,
    Ricky

reply by Lulube on 22-Aug-2019
    Still, we all know we have the same ending, might as well take it then and pass on all the pain. No burns for me

    lulube

reply by the author on 22-Aug-2019
Comment by
Eve Lovell
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Beware the boy with the melted face and beware of Ricky with a keyboard. I really don't know where to begin with this. You have so many errors and it doesn't read as poetry.

For example: As she gently dunked get daughter Destiny

It doesn't make sense, and your use of ellipses is overdone in the extreme. You say in your profile that you are learning to write, so I do hope that is the case and you are able to take an honest critique, unlike so many here who quickly mute someone who gives them less than a five star rating. I couldn't possibly give this a five and anyone that does, quite frankly, doesn't care about the adulteration of the English language or the credibility of this site. You seem to have made 'bad writing' an artform.

And this:

"Within...
"The Silence of the Lambs...
"And, on a day?"
"So cruel?"
"Will Destiny meet Fate?"

Who is speaking here within the speech marks? You aren't using proper punctuation here, and if it is only one person speaking, it is all wrong.

But, I do like the picture and the font colour.

Having said that, I suggest that you make this into a story and go to youtube and look up the proper use of punctuation and grammar.

I can't even give it a two star rating as it needs a bit more than improvement. It needs a complete re-write. I happen to love the complexity and beauty of the English language, unlike you, who doesn't treat it very kindly at all.

But, this is FS so a friendly fiver is just around the corner, and I really don't mind if you mute me. It gets rid of people that waste my time, so feel free, lol

Enjoy your writing, and remember, it has never been a better time to become a writer. There is so much information out there that you can avail yourself of if you have a computer, which obviously you do. But, please stop writing like this because you have been writing this way since I've been at FS and it is full of errors and would not find a publisher in the real world. I am sorry you have suffered, but we've all suffered and this is a writing site, so the writing and it's legitimacy should come first, not sympathy.

I do hope that helps, and feel free to ask me for help if you aren't sure about anything. Have a lovely day and enjoy LEARNING to write properly.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
    Let me see when I posted that I was trying to learn the right that was over 6 years ago 700 books and World ranked by to who's who's if you even would be able to comprehend with that means of course number one I never added is cuz I didn't have time I talked to them to the phone and then I wrote the second chapter of course which will get presented tomorrow number to it has been edited now if you care to go back to it number 3 it got because of the chronicler they got a few replies back but no less than three stars number for giving somebody for stars less than 5 when it's been getting 5 stars and deserves when it's done of course 6 like all my work is pathetic.
    and lastly there are Young writers on this site doing such a thing to a younger writer would destroy their ability based then work on content not grumpy hours so if you need a number 8 then perhaps you should mute me?
    And of course number 9 is coming.
    Doctor Ricky 1024.

reply by Eve Lovell on 19-Aug-2019
    Blow out your bum, Ricky, it will certainly smell better than your writing, and you are supposed to be grateful for a review, I believe, site's policy. People that review your writing are doing so for free. Your writing hasn't changed in all the time I've been here. You are sticking to this preposterous way of expressing yourself, and it will lead you nowhere. You say in your profile you are learning. I'd change that if I were you. You haven't learned a thing, and yet it is so easy to learn these days. Google: 'the correct use of punctuation'. Or, 'the correct use of grammar'. Do what you say in your profile, and LEARN> Eve.

reply by Eve Lovell on 19-Aug-2019
    And don't worry about the writers here, Ricky. I've met more bloated egos, stalkers and cheats on this site than anywhere else I've had the pleasure of discourse.

reply by the author on 20-Aug-2019
    Well that's funny most of the ones I've met here we're quite exceptionally gifted and talented.
    Like Mystic Angel, Mermaids, Liberty Justice.
    But then since your afraid to write again and present your work for view...
    Like I said before.
    You can st started this March..
    Shared nothing...
    And, mean to harm with your so called...
    Professional abilities?
    ...
    The Proof is in the Pudding Eva and I prove it...
    Each and every day!
    I dare you to take this challenge!
    Wtitd about the Heart!
    Mine will be posted as a challenge to you!
    I'm and Fanstory ate waiting?
    Entitled...
    "Within the Heart's Beat"

reply by Eve Lovell on 20-Aug-2019
    Please stop sending me private messages that I have no intention of reading, and I have a very busy day. And I will pass on the challenge, I have already pitted myself against other writers here, and I have no intention of wasting my time further for overly sentimental comments by amateurs. I'm sorry if you find that highhanded, but my family didn't get where they are by buying products they don't intend to use and I would have to pay for a FS subscription, and I'm not into that at all. I pop in from time to time to give an HONEST review because this is where I started my writing journey/career, but unlike you, I wanted to write properly. You refuse to learn, you've been writing in this pathetic way for eons, so keep up the useless work Ricky, and just remember, you are published no where here. It is a vanity site where amateurs review other amateurs, but it is a place of nice interaction for those writers who are mostly very elderly. Busy, busy day, so just google how to use punctuation properly. To be a real writer you have to be able to take criticism, it is just the way it is. Have a nice life, and don't contact me again.

reply by Eve Lovell on 20-Aug-2019
    Please stop sending me private messages that I have no intention of reading, and I have a very busy day. And I will pass on the challenge, I have already pitted myself against other writers here, and I have no intention of wasting my time further for overly sentimental comments by amateurs. I'm sorry if you find that highhanded, but my family didn't get where they are by buying products they don't intend to use and I would have to pay for a FS subscription, and I'm not into that at all. I pop in from time to time to give an HONEST review because this is where I started my writing journey/career, but unlike you, I wanted to write properly. You refuse to learn, you've been writing in this pathetic way for eons, so keep up the useless work Ricky, and just remember, you are published no where here. It is a vanity site where amateurs review other amateurs, but it is a place of nice interaction for those writers who are mostly very elderly. Busy, busy day, so just google how to use punctuation properly. To be a real writer you have to be able to take criticism, it is just the way it is. Have a nice life, and don't contact me again.
Comment by
DonandVicki
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  Rank:  25 (+2)
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  Rank:  17
 
Excellent
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The title of your poem first caught my attention, the way that you "Melted" the words together. This lead right into the plot of the poetic story. I will be looking forward to reading more.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
    thanks I wonder if he caught this before or after the edit because the person before he was only been here since March and has nothing posted or following nothing who talks about being unit gave it a one-star review based on that fact.
    Eva Lovel.
    check her out but you won't find anything written I tried to educate her by telling her there's a good reason why people like you mute people like you because they're all he do is go around starting issues here on fanstory.
    Thanks,
    Ricky
Comment by
Mystic Angel 7777
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This is beautifully penned, my friend. The powerful imagery expressed so eloquently evokes strong emotion in the reader. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
    I actually read this to a another Mormon friend her name is Dominique she said you should link to know if you only do it as a short story may be turned into a book?
    Thanks Again.
    Ricky
Comment by
Rosemary Everson1
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  Rank:  95
 
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Please re-read your story....there are a few errors that need to be corrected. I sure wouldn't want this kind of bad luck to happen to anyone....I know that it's only a fictional story, but with a plot that is very cruel.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2019



reply by the author on 19-Aug-2019
    Thanks and I'll check it.
    Doctor Ricky 1024
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