A Surprise For Everyone.
Renewed hope for the aqua-beings.
Pays: 10 points.
1.10 member dollars
Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

80 Word Flash Fiction
Deadline: Today!

Rhyming Poem
Deadline: In 2 Days

Loop Poetry Contest
Deadline: Apr 12th

Haiku
Deadline: Apr 15th

Dribble Flash Fiction
Deadline: Apr 20th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
St Louis


Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "St. Louis Chapter 12 part 2"

Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?

  18 total reviews 
Comment by
robyn corum
Word Twister
Story Catcher
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  20
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  16
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  43
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Barbara,

I'm running behind, but I finally got here. *smile* Looks like a good post, and I'm with these characters, something is smelly in Denmark. Yuck. There's no excuse for finding a cell phone LATER at a crime scene.

I did pause when Mac said she had never considered robbery before, though. That's kinda basic, isn't it??

Thanks!


 Comment Written 13-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 14-Sep-2019
    Depends on the circumstances. I appreciate you dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment by
Sylvia Page
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  311
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
An easy flow dialogue in this chapter, with some headway in finding a phone. That does not mean it is 'THE PHONE' I doubt they can scrutinize it as they might lose any fingerprints it may have. Found a typo...

Why were they (were) meeting? /Why were they meeting?
Best,
Sylvia


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2019
    Thank you for the kind review. I will fix that area.
Comment by
Gail Denham
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  111 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  36
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Nice chapter - makes sense - brings in the small things which makes it come real. Sounds like an interesting and intense book - glad you're coming along to the finish. Good job.


 Comment Written 10-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 10-Sep-2019
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
2019 Short Works Writer of the Year
Ideasaregems-Dawn
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  51
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  21
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  22
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  128
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
"McKenzie rubbed her stomach." ...
...then later (again) she 'rubbed her tummy'. It's also been an action mentioned in previous chapters, so my suggestion is that it's overdone. Maybe leave it out where you can? (Too "cute" ?)

Otherwise, the story is progressing wonderfully. Very realistic, although I would like to see a bit more of Logan's grief, like his mentioning she was his "baby sister".


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
    Logon is delta force trained, showing emotion isn't his thing. Thank you for the kind review.

reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 09-Sep-2019
    You're welcome.
Comment by
CrystieCookie999
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  70 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  31
Script Rating
  Rank:  4
Review Stars
  Rank:  28
 

#4 Ranked Script Writer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a good chapter. I think the dialogue is so realistic that I almost felt like I was there listening to real people. I noticed in the recap of the preceding chapter the line: She's a total junk food junkier
and that I think you mean 'junkie' and not 'junkier.' But other than that, it seemed like very clean writing. It makes me wonder how this will all turn out! Finding a cell phone seems like it will be a big help somehow, since more than 25% of the chapter here is emphasizing it.


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
    Thank you for the kind review. I will fix that area.
Comment by
2016 and 2018 Script Write Of The Year
judiverse
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  31
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  6
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
  Rank:  1
Review Stars
  Rank:  49
 

#6 Ranked Author

#1 Ranked Script Writer!
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Mac and Logan are working together pretty well in this scene. Probably because Logan is feeling guilty and thinks he could have looked after her better, but it sounds like Megan must have been making some bad choices. The crime scene doesn't look very carefully preserved. The results of the autopsy haven't been released yet. A phone is found, but Mac doesn't think it was Megan's. It certainly looks like there was a cover up, and at this point Mac doesn't know who to trust. She trusts Jose but wonders who else in the police department she can trust. Lots of suspense and questions in this. Great work. judi


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
    Thank you for the kind review. Mac's job is getting harder and harder.

reply by judiverse on 09-Sep-2019
    You're very welcome. It's really going to get involved if the police are covering up for some reason. They certainly haven't done a good investigation. judi
Comment by
tfawcus
Level 1 Pro
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  6
Review Stars
  Rank:  80
 

#6 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You certainly have more questions than answers in this chapter but, the way McKenzie and Logan are now getting on, they'll make a formidable pair to crack this complicated case.


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
sandramitchell
Level 1 Pro
Sandra Mitchell
Sandra Stoner Mitc
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  48
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  1
Review Stars
  Rank:  26
 

#1 Ranked Novelist!
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Excellent chapter, and not too long at all. Now they have this black phone, I wonder if it does have anything to do with Megan's murder, or if it was just dropped by someone accidently. And, what are the police hiding? There are lots of questions needing answers. Let's hope Mac knows someone on the case who is trustworthy. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx

I'm so sorry it jumped to the 3 stars instead of staying on the 6. I can only give you a five now, which is so annoying. I owe you one! xxxx


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
    I know how that happens. No problems. Your thoughts are worth it. Thank you.
Comment by
Tootsie55
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Another good chapter as always. I am so glad I get to do a couple of reviews and bump us both up some notches. Geoff will have some Rambles chapters up in a day or so. Got an idea from Robyn Corum for the Index to help you all get to particular chapters you are interested in. I tried HTML links but they would not work.


 Comment Written 09-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 09-Sep-2019
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
Sankey
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  147
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  25
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  112
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Good to see you and Ulla back again. You both had me worried that you had beat me to the exit! You are both such good reading. I will miss it. Now for spags and suggestions. An (un??)easy silence ...did you mean it that way?

Why were they [were] meeting?


 Comment Written 08-Sep-2019



reply by the author on 08-Sep-2019
    I"ll be around a while. I stick around for help editing.
  -1-  2  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
cometh the hour
The Good Friday Agreement


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy