The Lie
Trust goes out the window.
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Reviews from
Pterodactyl Club - 2


Chapter #2: Revitalization

  4 total reviews 
Comment by
Alex Rosel
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You set the scene nicely, giving the location veracity, pulling the reader in with minor detail like "As a Cessna Skyhawk flew in the azure sky above them" {thumbs up}.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

Today, the lamp glowed just as bright as the beacon did then. -- This is a bit of a disjoint for me. "Today" implies the present, and "glowed" is past tense. I'd use "glows"; especially as I assume it continues to glow.

Neatly combed into place, and held steady by a heavy dose of pomade, Alverez's silver, tapered hair sheened in the morning sun while he twirled the corner of his handlebar moustache. -- Nice imagery. I can clearly see this in my mind's eye {smiles}.

Immediately, through effulgence provided by globes in the corridor -- This doesn't work for me. If this was mine, I'd use something like, "By the light from the corridor". It's simple, and the reader doesn't need to do a double-take to make meaning of the words. Just my personal preference.


 Comment Written 13-Oct-2019



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment by
Ricky1024
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  Rank:  313
 
Excellent
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This was well written and rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues as well.
...
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks,
Doctor Ricky 1024


 Comment Written 13-Oct-2019



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate the review.

reply by Ricky1024 on 14-Oct-2019
Comment by
royowen
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There are plans afoot to restore Benton Springs to its once former glory, Alderman Alvarez is a part of that. I like hoe you describe the purpose of the pterodactyl club is likewise part of these plans, but Alvarez is murdered, so there is a traitor around the place. Well done Bret, good scribing, blessings, Roy


 Comment Written 12-Oct-2019



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate your insights and the review.

reply by royowen on 14-Oct-2019
    Welcome Brett
Comment by
JLR
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A perfectly enjoyable read. Good sentence structure, good story line, interesting character development. An interesting twist on the traitor concept. Good success with your writing, thanks for sharing. Write on and write often.


 Comment Written 12-Oct-2019



reply by the author on 12-Oct-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate your insights and the review.
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