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Reviews from
Whitewash


Storm on the horizon

  6 total reviews 
Comment by
2019 Script Writer of the Year
Bill Schott
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  61 (+3)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  27
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  29
Script Rating
  Rank:  5
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  Rank:  27
 

#5 Ranked Script Writer
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Well, well, things turn south fast in Banwire. I'm glad that the bond youngster is a research project and not a toy for our investor. Sounds like he's got some 'splainin' to do if his package doesn't appear.


 Comment Written 12-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 14-Nov-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment by
2019 Novelist of the Year
Ulla
Premier Author
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  102
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  Rank:  2
Review Stars
  Rank:  46
 

#2 Ranked Novelist
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Hi Brett, so who is he? A bit sinister if you ask me. Well, I suppose I'll just have to be reading on and see where all this will lead. I quite liked the story and will be looking out for more. All best. Ulla:))


 Comment Written 05-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 07-Nov-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate the review.
Comment by
Mystic Angel 7777
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  Rank:  80
 
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This is technically well penned as I found no overt evidence of SPAG. It flows in a logical and cohesive manner making it easy to follow, but the pace is rather slow as there's far too much time spent on description rather than genuine character development. It seems like the way you end this segment would have made much more sense if there had been some subtle foreshadowing of the man's true character. Nicely done and thank you very much for sharing it.


 Comment Written 04-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 07-Nov-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate the review.
Comment by
Sallyo
Level 3 Pro
I am Australian.
Therefore, I write like an Australian.
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  115 (+2)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  15
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Review Stars
  Rank:  57
 
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There's a shock twist in the story! He obviously wasn't a particularly nice person, but wow! Cleverly written! Just a couple of possible nits below.
offered joining them.
offered, joining them.

he held no one else desired
he held that no one else desired


 Comment Written 04-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 07-Nov-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate your review.
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 2 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
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  Rank:  134
 
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Hi Brett,

It's a good start with the mystery being invoked. The central character is interesting and full of little tics and foibles.

I did find the tone a little peculiar and uneven. Perhaps this is intentional. The word choices veer from almost highfalutin to common slang.


Post haste, a whiskey sour- posthaste can be a single word, or more usually hyphenated.

Post haste, a whiskey sour, garnished with a cherry, anonymously arrived- it didn't arrive anonymously. It was brought by a waitress, supplied by the House.

"You like?" She asked, "I prepared the drink just to your taste." - technically the speech tagshould belong to the first piece of dialogue as that is the actual question. therefore 'she' should be lower case to start. If it is applied to the second piece of dialogue (which doesn't feel like a question) then it should have a corresponding question mark.

he stated with a sip from the chilled stem - stem is normally used to refer to the cylindrical support of a glass rather than the glass itself, which makes this a little odd phrasing.

He enjoyed the aristarchy. - this word doesn't exist in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, nor the three others I checked.

All the best
G


 Comment Written 04-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 04-Nov-2019
    Thanks for the catches. Appreciate them very much. I know, I have this bad habit of wanting to use one archaic word in everything I write. In this case it is the word "aristarchy", which has a Greek root, and means government by the best men.
Comment by
lyenochka
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  5
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  4
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  8
Script Rating
  Rank:  3
Review Stars
  Rank:  5
 

#4 Ranked Author

#8 Ranked Novelist

#5 Ranked Poet

#3 Ranked Script Writer

#5 Ranked Reviewer
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Sounds pretty horrific to have a boy (real human boy, I guess) locked up and tied to a bed for four months. Seems like a gruesome thing. You describe his personality well as one expecting special privilege, walking against the red light. I liked how you foreshadowed Larsen's loss with the squirrel looking for an acorn.


 Comment Written 03-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 07-Nov-2019
    Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate the review.
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