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Lune Poem

  14 total reviews 
Comment by
Jesse James Doty
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  101
Review Stars
  Rank:  204
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is excellent. I love the message, and your use of the lune poem to send it to us. I can read it as a one line poem, as well as a lune. Either way, I like how you use the phrase "dooms us", at first I thought I read, 'deems us' which would have worked but, not have been as effective. "dooms us" is right. "the true price of being alone." And, "to learn" is what life and love are all about, learning through the myriad of experiences. This is wise, profound, and very honest and true. Well done.
Take care, Jesse


 Comment Written 25-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 09-Jan-2020
    Thanks, Jesse and many apologies for the late reply.

    Steve

reply by Jesse James Doty on 09-Jan-2020
    You're welcome, Steve.
    I'm glad you liked my review.
    Have a great day.
    Jesse
Comment by
w.j.debi
Premier Author
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  94
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  12
Review Stars
  Rank:  49
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Wow. The loss of love or a loved one, is one of the most difficult to face. Although the price of being alone is high, it also comes with its own special moments of light when we remember the good times.
Excellent job capturing that dark moment when love has fled.


 Comment Written 04-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
    Thanks for the great review. If one purpose of a poem is to raise thoughts and emotions in the reader, then this wee piece seems to have worked well.

    Steve
Comment by
Sissy
I am not difficult,
I am definite. --Hedy Lamarr
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi kiwisteveh,

I love this contest entry. I wasn't actually sure what a Lune was - it's been a long time since I've been on fanstory, and I have always seen many different forms of poetry here that I've not come across before.
Clearly you've followed the requirements for the contest, and you picked a photo that really relates to your work - but what really stood out was the depth you managed to create in three lines and a total of 13 syllables. The name really ties into the 'true price' line, as well.

Good luck in the contest!
Take care,
Sissy


 Comment Written 04-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
    Hi, Sissy, and welcome back to the grand institution that is FanStory! You joined in 2003. Wow!

    And thanks for the kind words regarding my Lune. Yes, there are somne weird and wonderful forms and generally I am not a fan of the ones that seem to get ever shorter, but I'll buy a ticket for the $100 prize anyway!

    Steve
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  76
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  147
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Powerful and thought provoking. Good flow and aphoristic flavor. Good, alliteraiton and consonance of L. Impacting tone and tenor. Good presentation too.

Bravo and good luck.

Warmly, rd


 Comment Written 04-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2019
    Thanks, Rama. It's difficult to do much in 13 syllables, but I try!

    Steve

reply by rama devi on 05-Dec-2019
    :-))
Comment by
2019 Short Works Writer of the Year
Ideasaregems-Dawn
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  48
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  27
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  27
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  176
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Ouch -- yes, loving someone and losing that person for whatever reason certainly makes being alone miserable (or am I reading your intent correctly)? Solitude can be wonderful, but not when its cost is the loss of loved one.


 Comment Written 03-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
    Thanks, Dawn.

    Yes, love is wonderful, but it has its price - inevitably, one partner or the other, or sometimes both, will suffer crippling loneliness.

    Steve
Comment by
Janice Canerdy
Premier Author
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  20
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  14
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
The lune prompt requires the poet to say something meaningful, lucid, and complete in only thirteen syllables. Some fall short--but not YOURS! You have made a moving, profound statement with your syllables.


 Comment Written 03-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
    Janice, thanks for the great review and the sixth star - much appreciated. I'm glad this spoke to you.

    Steve
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  5
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  39
 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
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I enjoyed reading your contest entry. Being alone is very difficult. I know there's been a few times that I have felt alone even when I'm in a crowded room. I feel I'm lucky I don't have that feeling often. Good luck with the contest.


 Comment Written 02-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
    Thanks, Barbara. Yes, loneliness can be crippling, especially after the loss of a long-time partner.

    Steve
Comment by
Sandra du Plessis
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  7
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  68
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  5
 

#7 Ranked Poet

#5 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very well-written Lune poem. We sometimes don't realize the value of a loved one who are always close by our side until they are not there anymore then it usually is too late.


 Comment Written 02-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
    Thanks, Sandra - that is exactly what is at the heart of this poem.

    Steve
Comment by
Y. M. Roger
FantasyGirl
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  3
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  5
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  19
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  3
 

#5 Ranked Author

#3 Ranked Poet

#3 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Wow.... now that's the darkest view of love I've read in a while... although it is so very beautifully written, Steve -- just reaches in and stabs the reader's reality right where they are!! ;/ :/ Heartbreaking reality in an apt THIRTEEN syllables... well-done. :) :) I would only suggest removing the period at the end...you want the thought to linger not end when the reader moves on.... :) :) :) Thanx for sharing, sir, and best of luck in the contest! :)


 Comment Written 02-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
    Thanks for the great review and the suggestion to remove the period!

    Steve
Comment by
Sharon Haiste
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  61
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  14
Review Stars
  Rank:  46
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I think this is a good entry for the Lune Poetry contest.
Your short verse has a clear message of the loneliness felt after being loved.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon


 Comment Written 02-Dec-2019



reply by the author on 04-Dec-2019
    Sharon, many thanks for your kind words.

    Steve
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