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Reviews from
The Pitches


Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "In the Middle "

Backgound to support Pez and Pallas

  9 total reviews 
Comment by
susand3022
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Hi Bill, Well, it seems that Peril is at it again and has put Pez between a rock and a hard place for sure! Poor Pez having to hold a gun on the man that saved him from a life of nothingness and drew him into the life of crime that so suited him. LOL


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 17-Jan-2020
    Thanks for sticking with it, Susan. I need to get Pez's brother Pallas into the picture soon so I can find a short pier for Peril to walk off.
Comment by
nomi338
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Wow! I can understand Pez's loyalty and all, but he may be doing just a tad much. Better he just lay low and let things develop on their own. My fear is that sooner or later a stray bullet may just find its way into Pez's body, and that would be a tragedy.


 Comment Written 16-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 16-Jan-2020
    Pez and his brother Pallas are characters I use in the present day. Pez is forty and Pallas twenty. Once I can get Pallas sired, Peril can meet his fate.
Comment by
Mistydawn
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The detective is sure a to the point kind of guy. Your story is well-written, interesting. Your dialogue seems realistic and your characters come to life. I did find one thing that puzzles me, maybe I'm reading it wrong. In the beginning, the detective asks who's mind are you reading and he says my pops. Later you say he's just fishing for information. If Pez already said why would the detective be fishing?


 Comment Written 16-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 16-Jan-2020
    There is a bit of confusion here because I bounce from what Pez says to what he knows, but doesn?t say. Also from what IS happening to what happened earlier. I experimented with telling the story in reflection rather than chronologically. Thanks for letting me know it affects the flow.
Comment by
phill doran
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Hello Bill
Great stuff - continues the fast pace well and starts to beef out the story, which is taking shape nicely now. Again, great and effective dialogue.
In passing, I think it is "racket" unless you meant "racquet" as a joke(?)
Keep at it, I note you are writing on several fronts at the moment!
Cheers - and enjoy the day ahead.
phill


 Comment Written 16-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 16-Jan-2020
    Thank you, Phil, for the encouraging review and the homonym correction. Bill
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Poor Pez. He should have refused to hold the gun or at least given it to Slinky. But how can a young teen think that way even of his absentee, criminal dad. Scary stuff, Bill!


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Thanks, lyenochka. I don?t know why Pez does what he does. Kids!
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Ricky1024
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Hi Bill your chapter entitled...
"In the Middle.
I enjoyed it thoroughly it was wonderfully crafted rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues, as well.
...
In addition, the Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
...
Have a blessed rest of your week!
Doctor Ricky 1024


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Thanks, Ricky.
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Iza Deleanu
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Is this story about the shootings in a Greek neighborhood? Anyway, the chapter is well structured and balanced from the narrative. It has a little bit of sarcasm and dark humor: a prisoner disappeared and started shooting in a pawn shop...what's next


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Thanks, Iza, for checking out this chapter.
Comment by
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Janilou
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It was a little tricky keeping track of who was talking in the middle of the chapter, when Pez began reflecting, but that might be because I'm not familiar with the rest of the book.


Notes: Shoving the money into a varsity gym bag he had found in a luggage dispaly,

display?

That's the only edit needed I found.

Interesting story!
Jan


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Thanks, Jan, for sticking it out and for finding that spelling error.
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Pez does have some decency about him, so that was good. And he rang the police. But his dad's out there with that big gun, what damage is he going to do with that? This is really good, Bill, we are getting to know a lot about Pez. Well done, again, my friend. Sandra xxx


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2020
    Thank you, Sandra. I'm trying this method of character reflection to see if it works as well or better than just telling the story in lock step. The shoot out has already happened. Just exactly what happened is not yet known other than Pez survived it.
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