The Lie
Trust goes out the window.
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Reviews from
Words That Bind

Act 1 - Scene 1 and 2

  9 total reviews 
Comment by
Aiona
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  328
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  170
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  77
Script Rating
  Rank:  16
Review Stars
  Rank:  475
 
Excellent
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Awwww..... I love love-stories, and although this one has a sad sad story to it, I love the love.

A couple suggestions for improvement:
Avoid passive verbs.

"ALYSSA is sitting in a corner booth, legs curled up, reading a novel. LOUIS and KATE are snuggling together in the booth across the aisle from ALYSSA."

For most of the script, you are using active verbs, but for some reason, in the very first paragraph of most of your scenes, you use passive "is" a lot.

I would change that to

"ALYSSA sits in a corner booth, legs curled up, reading a novel. LOUIS and KATE snuggle together in the booth across the aisle from ALYSSA."

You don't seem to do that anywhere else. Just the beginning paragraphs for some reason.


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2020


Comment by
Sefiros
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  Rank:  63
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The dialogue is too syrupy-sweet. It's enough to cause diabetes. These characters don't feel real to me. Ground them by having words that do not declare their eternal love for each other. Looking forward to future installments.


 Comment Written 27-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 27-Jan-2020
    They were practicing a play so the dialogue was not real time street talk. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Comment by
Sharon Haiste
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  Rank:  86
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  Rank:  31
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  Rank:  129
 
Excellent
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I think this is a good script. The story moves smoothly from one scene to the next as Alyssa remembers Conner.
The story is well laid out. Well done I say.
Sharon


 Comment Written 23-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 23-Jan-2020
    Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I truly appreciate it. I have posted Parts 2 n 3 if you care to continue. Have a great day!
Comment by
Rikki66
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  Rank:  137 (+1)
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  Rank:  226
 
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We have to passionate acts the first witnessed by Alyssa the second a recollection of Alyssa's own love. I await act three to see if it is the romance of Alyssa and Connor or Louis and Kate. Very good.

Rikki LXXIII


 Comment Written 22-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 23-Jan-2020
    Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. My first effort at scripts so it's nice to know the concept of the story comes across clearly. Smiles to you!

reply by Rikki66 on 23-Jan-2020
    Smile back to you. I enjoyed your effort.
    Rikki
Comment by
eva garcia-mayers
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Needs Improvement
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hello! this was a touching piece. I enjoyed the contrast between what the character is feeling with what she yearns for. One thing I would suggest is to try to stay away from too many stereotypical lines and go for more details in regards to the reasons for the strong feelings between the characters.
nice job!


 Comment Written 20-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 21-Jan-2020
    Thank you for your comments. I am normally a story writer and get very descriptive, but I was told that when I write a movie script I write the words and let the director portray how he wants it played out. Maybe this script writing isn't what I should be doing. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comment by
Elizabeth Emerald
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  Rank:  170
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  Rank:  2
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  Rank:  5
Review Stars
  Rank:  8
 

#2 Ranked Author

#5 Ranked Script Writer
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Love the title! Words that Bind---is that meant ironically? As in typical talk of love you forever and ever and ever and two weeks later say the same to the next "love of my life".
I am in suspense as to how your pairs will play out their respective romances! Cheers. LIZ


 Comment Written 20-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 21-Jan-2020





























































































































































































































































    For me personally, at this age of life, not to be cynical, but nothing is forever. Someone asked me to write this script and I followed their viewpoint. Scripts are not something I have done before but I gave it a shot. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.




















































































































Comment by
kahpot
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  45
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  211
Review Stars
  Rank:  75
 
Excellent
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I thoroughly enjoyed this read (script) as it is so descriptive, one line may need a look at, " Conner" just after he laughs, (princessas)- princess as- an excellent script and I can see this going well****kahpot


 Comment Written 20-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 21-Jan-2020
    Thank you for taking the time to read my script. I have a lot to learn if I am to continue with this form, but I am not sure that is my road to travel. I love being descriptive and emotional and according to what I am told...directors decide that, not the writer. LOL Thanks again for taking the time to read my efforts.
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
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  Rank:  7
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 Rank:  39
 

#7 Ranked Novelist
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I am happy to see you back again. I enjoyed reading your script. I only suggestion would it's hard to tell what is action and what is dialogue. You may want to indicate which is which for the reader.


 Comment Written 20-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 20-Jan-2020
    I've never written a script so I just followed what the other four top script writers on Fanstory were using. My son who writes told me I should put the dialogue centered and the action to the left. So maybe that would clarify things better. Thanks for reading. Smiles and hugs!
Comment by
Iza Deleanu
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  98
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  10
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  10
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Review Stars
  Rank:  7
 

#10 Ranked Author

#10 Ranked Novelist
Good
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I am so sorry for the 4 stars, the script seems interesting but I am getting lost with the characters. Where Alyssa and Conner come from? I was let with the impression that the script is about Kate and Andrew. Is this a longer script? If it is can you mention this in the author notes pretty please.


 Comment Written 20-Jan-2020



reply by the author on 20-Jan-2020
    Thank you for your suggestion of putting in the notes Act 1 of 3..I meant to do that and I appreciate the reminder. As for the confusion on characters, I am sorry.

    In the very first paragraph......ALYSSA is sitting in a corner booth, legs curled up, reading a novel. LOUIS and KATE are snuggling together in the booth across the aisle from ALYSSA ....I mention that Alyssa is in the cafe sitting directly across from Louis and Kate.

    Further down, I mention Alyssa leans her head against the window and a dream sequence follows as she remembers Conner.

    As I mentioned it's been a long time since I wrote so I guess I am rusty. Thanks for reading ...Smiles and hugs
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