The Vulnerable
A few thoughts about the silenced.
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Reviews from
Immunity


A drunk and homeless man finds a reason to live

  11 total reviews 
Comment by
CrystieCookie999
 
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  Rank:  167
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  Rank:  121
 
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This is a story that has a definite surprise ending. I think it also does a good job characterizing Cole and the priest. There were a few punctuation fixes, but I will just point out three:
Startled awake. Cole felt the hand of someone on his shoulder. It was the local priest.
I think you mean to put a comma after awake. Otherwise it would be a fragment.
"Yes, father
I would capitalize Father here as it is a title for the priest.
"No son. I refuse to accept that you should simply live and die as if you had no more worth than worm has for a hole in the ground."
I would put a comma after No. And then put the article 'a' in front of worm. Interesting read!


 Comment Written 03-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
    Thanks Crystie,
    I still have to thank you for my book edit help for my latest novel post. I like to print yours out so I can more easily edit.
Comment by
RShipp
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"His voice reverberated off the ornate walls" ... I have been blessed with the chance to sing in a few of those cathedrals... It is magnificent!!

"We want you to live. We think you have immunity. You might just help us save the world." Haha. What a great twist!!!


 Comment Written 03-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
    Thanks! Sounds like you had an awesome experience too.
Comment by
Shirley McLain
 
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What a sad, well-written story. It's touching with the alcoholic in the church and his visit from God to him being the savior of mankind. You did an excellent job. Shirley


 Comment Written 02-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!
Comment by
Jannypan (Jan)
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  Rank:  3
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  Rank:  56
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 Rank:  7
 

#3 Ranked Poet
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This is a good story for the current situation we are facing worldwide. I enjoyed reading it. Your words flow well and there is great imagery especially in the description of the church. I pray that the virus is soon defeated and people will have learned how to prevent its reoccurrence. Thanks for sharing. Respectfully, Jan


 Comment Written 02-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!
Comment by
Jeffrey L. Michaux
Jeff Michaux
Williamsburg
 
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This is good, really good and very well thought out. I like how you've presented this. It's very engaging and could be developed into something more. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!


 Comment Written 02-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!
Comment by
BethShelby
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  Rank:  56 (+2)
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  Rank:  34
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  Rank:  10
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  Rank:  15
 

#10 Ranked Novelist
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Great story. I think we all have a purpose in life and you have given one to this man. I love the way you developed your story. I'm sure many people feel they are losers and there is no use trying to change. In the end, Cole cried out to God and found his purpose..


 Comment Written 02-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!
Comment by
Mistydawn
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What a well-written, interesting story. I've often worried about the homeless with this pandemic going on. With their lack of nutrition, sanitary means, and no safe place to get away I'm afraid the virus will get them all.


 Comment Written 02-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!
Comment by
Eve Lovell
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Hi, nice to see you today at FS. I like the way you have capitalised on current events and created a really interesting story, and the ending is great. Good and hope from bad is always satisfying. And Cole is a good character. I also think you have a nice easy-to-read style.

I do have a couple of stylistic tweaks and overall suggestion.

I'm just going to use the sentence below to show you something. It is a good idea to take on board the 'less is more' theory when writing as it takes your reader to the action faster, and keeps them engaged. If you tease words out of your prose that are just fillers, or words not pushing the plot forward, or words telling us something already assumed by the reader, it can tighten the whole story up and make it much more gripping.

Example:

Startled awake. Cole felt the ( hand of someone) on his shoulder.

If you remove the words in brackets, and replace them with 'a'. It still makes sense to the reader and we already know the hand belongs to someone else, and is not a random hand floating around.In this case, you are giving the reader information they already assume.

And here is an example of a random filler word:

He curled (up) into a fetal position and dozed off to sleep.

Thanks for sharing your story today, it is one I would recommend and enjoy the rest of your day, Eve.


 Comment Written 02-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
    Thanks for all your help. I'm terrible with self-editing
Comment by
thaities, Rebecca V.
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  Rank:  25
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  Rank:  12
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  Rank:  67
 
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This is a very good piece of writing. I wondered from the beginning why it was not possible to find a vaccine or cure from the blood of a survivor. Here you are writing about it!

Well done.


 Comment Written 01-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!

reply by thaities, Rebecca V. on 02-Apr-2020
    You're welcome.
Comment by
Elizabeth Emerald
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  Rank:  1
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  Rank:  5
 

#1 Ranked Author!

#5 Ranked Reviewer
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This is powerful; beautifully related in vivid emotional imagery. I can feel his despair and the compassion of the priest. And of course, you make the desolation real. Cheers (?) LIZ

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 01-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
    Thanks!
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