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Reviews from
Life Passes By


contest entry /2nd Place Winner

  17 total reviews 
Comment by
The_Boy_Whodunnit
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  105
Review Stars
  Rank:  120
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
An interesting poem that uses the words well. I think it captures a moment of what has happened and hints at a much bigger story behind the words you have included. Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 16-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2020
    Thank you for your time reviewing my presentation. I earned second place in the contest. Respectfully, Jan
Comment by
Sandra du Plessis
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  7
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  79
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  4
 

#7 Ranked Poet

#4 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very well-written poem and excellent use of the prescribed words to tell the story of how life can passes by and before we know our life is over and our loved ones went long time before us.


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
    Thank you, Sandra, for dropping by with a great review. Respectfully, Jan
Comment by
Jeffrey L. Michaux
Jeff Michaux
Williamsburg
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  29
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  68
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I like this and the sad and powerful message conveyed in it. It's a hard pill to swallow for a man to feel powerless. When things go wrong, we think that their is something that we could have or shouldn't have done when misfortune comes calling. We think that we should have the power to make everything right. Thanks for sharing this engaging and well written work. Well done!


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you for your great review and comments. Much appreciative of both as well as your time. Respectfully, Anon
Comment by
Sharon Haiste
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  75
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  26 (+1)
Review Stars
  Rank:  135
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I think this is a good entry for the Use These Words writing prompt.
This sad piece reads smoothly while using the required words.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you so much, Sharon, for reviewing my entry. Much appreciated. Respectfully, Anon
Comment by
Shirley McLain
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  69
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  131 (+1)
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  30
Review Stars
  Rank:  127
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very sad poem to read. It was written well and the presentation is wonderful. You did a great job. I didn't find a thing wrong. Good luck in the contest. Shirley


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you, Shirley, for reading and reviewing my entry. Both much appreciated. Respectfully, Anon
Comment by
thaities, Rebecca V.
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  6
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  18
Review Stars
  Rank:  6
 

#6 Ranked Author
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
It is a sad thing when any person has a tragedy happen to them, they blame themselves, and lose the will to live. God forgives, and we must learn to forgive ourselves. Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you for your great review and comments. Both much appreciated. Respectfully, Anon

reply by thaities, Rebecca V. on 14-Apr-2020
    You are very welcome.
Comment by
Janice Canerdy
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  16
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  13
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This creatively composed, vividly descriptive poem conveys a powerful message about loss and grief--maybe even guilt--that never goes away, but only deepens, leaving one feeling that life is not worth living. Very expressive


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you for your insightful review and comments. Both much appreciated, Janice. Respectfully, Anon
Comment by
Raul1
JOSE CONDE
Miami
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  178 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  168
Review Stars
  Rank:  69
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You did well with four words that supposed to be in the poem. It tells like a story of a person going through something. Excellent work! No grammatical errors. Good luck!


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you for taking time to read and review my entry. Much appreciated. Respectfully, Anon

reply by Raul1 on 14-Apr-2020
    You're welcome
Comment by
damommy
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  24
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  39
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  33
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
What a devastating thing to live with. I can see why he has no desire to live. I can't imagine hearing loved ones scream and being unable to help.

This is so beautifully worded and vividly portrayed. Beautiful presentation. Good meter and rhyme.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
    Thank you for your exceptional 6 star rating and detailed comments. Both much appreciated. Respectfully, Anon
Comment by
robyn corum
Word Twister
Story Catcher
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  20
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  26
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  47
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Dear Mystery Poet,

What a horrible situation. As a survivor of a house-burning as a child (no injuries, just total loss) I GET IT.

This is a powerful post and brings out a lot of emotions - in me, for sure, and perhaps in others, simply in empathy. Poor guy. I hope he finds the strength to be strong and go on - but your words do not make it sound that way.

Some notes, if I may -- in every case, it's to help with meter and or scansion. In one case, it's also to add one more needed syllable to the line.
1.) His wife and child gone--he has no desire
--> His wife and son are gone-- he's lost desire

2.) While others offer, he seeks no advice;
--> Though others try, he will not heed advice

3.)
he sees no purpose in life--yearns for death.
-->no purpose left in life--he yearns for death

***
In case you're wondering, with edits, your poem would look like this:
*
Alone he huddles as life passes by.
He pulls his thin coat tight against the cold
and hangs his head and sadly wonders why.
Where's time gone? How did he become so old?

Each night, his mind's eye still replays the fire;
he hears their screams for help in fitful dreams.
His wife and son are gone-- he's lost desire
to live without them in his life, it seems.

As wind descends and pelts with shards of ice,
his cough erupts; he tries to catch his breath.
Though others try, he will not heed advice;
no purpose left in life--he yearns for death.

***

Thanks for indulging me. I hope there's something here that might help a bit. Great job using the words! Thanks!




 Comment Written 13-Apr-2020



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
    Thank you, for your time reviewing. I respectfully ask that you reconsider your review. The line where you mentioned the need for another syllable to be added contains 10 already. The other lines you revised may scan right, but my original does, too. Respectfully, Anon

reply by robyn corum on 13-Apr-2020
    I actually didn?t mention which line had just nine syllables in my review.

    And the lines I humbly offered optional scansion ideas for were lines where I felt, to my crazy ears, anyway, the meter was bumpy. I?m happy to change the rating if you are satisfied with the result, so am I.

reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
    Thank you for your consideration.
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