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Reviews from
The Hunter


A true story of discovery and redemption

  11 total reviews 
Comment by
amada
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  113
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  Rank:  89
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Review Stars
  Rank:  33
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
.Great descriptions, one of them stays in my mind; the men sitting at the back of the carrier were bouncing like toy dolls, the image is so incongruent. This is a terrific story.


 Comment Written 26-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 26-Sep-2020
    Thank you for your review. Glad you liked it.
Comment by
Pantygynt
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  Rank:  94
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  Rank:  4
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  Rank:  21
 

#4 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You have a powerful story here, much more interesting than most of the 'true life' tales I have read here.

There is a a saying here that one should show rather than tell and this is best done using direct speech in dialogue where possible. In the middle of this there is a long passage of 'tell' and some of it could reasonably be converted to to 'show'.

I have also noted a few minor errors that could do to be corrected. The practice of using upper case letters to indicate shouting is something that has grown up via 'texting' and has no place in normal writing.

'The dirt roadway ahead was rough, bouncing the group of men around like toy dolls sitting in the back of the troop carrier.' These men were sitting in the back of the troop carrier rather than being 'like'. A simple change of word order can make this work.
Try: 'The dirt roadway ahead was rough, the group of men seated in the back of the troop carrier, were bounced around like toy dolls.'

'John's war (expeirence,)' Spelling [experience]

I found this paragraph confusing and I had to pick at it to elicit the actual meaning: 'John's war history came from my cousin Billy, who by chance I met in my quest to discover my past. He was the son of John's brother, William. His dad had recounted the story to him after John's death. Now years later, on my visit to Oregon, searching for answers, John's story was related to me. Both brothers had passed away by now, and it was no longer necessary to keep it a secret. But if I had known about this story earlier in my life, it may have helped me. It might have taken away the deep, profound hatred I had for this man.'
There were a confusing number of names and personal pronouns here and it isn't clear who told what to whom and, at this point which one was hated, though that later became obvious.

'...lived on her new husband[']s ranch.' Apostrophe needed.

'I was read(d)y to change...' Spelling.

'Once in the man's office,' (to the end of the paragraph. An opportunity here for direct speech and therefore more 'show'.

When we read our work through we tend to miss these things. I have a wonderful reviewer who picks up all my little boo boos and still gives me a 5 star grading for what she considers a good story. So I'm going to do the same for you. I hope it helps.


 Comment Written 25-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
    Damn you're good! You get the mark (!) I don't care here. :>)
    I thought that in shouting, plus all caps, it seemed to help the power of that moment. But I agree, I try and use this style as little as possible.
    I looked at that paragraph of all those names, and struggled on how to rewrite it. I went away from it and forgot to come back. Yes, I must fix that. Also, why did I not see that opportunity to go to dialogue at the moment I learned of my wrong name? Thank you for that, its rewrite time, I must clean these things up.

    Once again, thank you for this valuable review.
Comment by
BethShelby
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  85
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  Rank:  33
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  Rank:  5
Review Stars
  Rank:  26
 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is a very long story and I debated about starting, but I'm glad I did. You are a good writer and I like true stories better than fiction. This one told me a lot about what life was like for you as a child. I can understand why you hated the man and why the man behaved as he did. You brought the story to a nice conclusion. You did well with this writing prompt.


 Comment Written 24-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 24-Sep-2020
    Thank you so much Beth, So glad you liked it, and for giving me such a great review. That's what it's all about. Thank you again.
Comment by
teols2016
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  Rank:  140
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  Rank:  50
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  Rank:  164
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A powerful story. Thank you for sharing it. I especially enjoyed the authentic German.

I did notice some minor issues:

It appeared safe enough, off in the distance; he could see a wooded area, it seemed too: turn the comma after "enough" into a period.

"Sonny!" he exclaimed. It is so good to see you.": You're missing a quotation mark before "it".

I calmly took his hand. "Hello John," I said, meekly, "it's good to see you too.": you don't need a comma after "said".

"How have you been, Sonny?" I've heard so much about you.": remove the quotation mark before "I".

Well done.


 Comment Written 22-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 22-Sep-2020
    Many thanks for the stars. Got those typos. The irony of the story (or the tragedy) was John, was German, he was sent over with no consideration. However, in Texas, they cordoned off New Braunfals, a predominantly German city, and put guards around it.
Comment by
robyn corum
Word Twister
Story Catcher
 
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  Rank:  15 (+1)
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  Rank:  13
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 Rank:  17
 
Excellent
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Brad,

A very cool story and bit of biographical material. It's hard when we have to look at things (especially the older ones around us) with a better lens. It changes so much about our world.

I heard a story one time about a young girl who answered a phone call. The woman on the other line asked for Nancy. "Wrong number," the young girl said. "No Nancy here."

The caller rang back twice more. And got the same answer of course.

In a few minutes, the girl's mother came out and asked, 'Who was that on the phone?"

"Wrong number," the girl said. "They wanted a Nancy."

The mom frowned. "I'M NANCY!"

***

A lot of the time, we only see the people around us in a certain way - a very distorted way. Not understanding that they have an entire life apart from the relationship WE have with them. It's a crazy notion and one we don't fully grasp until we're mature.

Interesting, isn't it?

Some notes, if I may:
1.) "SHOOT THEM, Corporal(!)" (s)creamed the officer. "Don't let them get away!"

2.) John raised his rifle, but he hesitated," I can't shoot tied prisoners(,)" (h)e yelled back(.)'"
--> lose the extra punctuation and quote marks at the end

3.) "HALT! HALT!" (h)e yelled out. But the runners kept going."
--> delete the quote marks at the end

4.) "Kill, mich!" (h)e pleaded in partial English. John raised his rifle.
--> if this is 'Kill me' there is no comma

5.) By late 1944(,) the war in Europe began drawing to an end. VE day was nearing, and victory in Japan was soon becoming a reality.
--> new perspective, POV - skip a few lines and offer something like (***) to indicate a change to a different person.

6.) This preceding event was a story I didn't learn until I was in my (fifties).

7.) "YOU GODDAM STUPID ASS!" (h)e shouted at me.

8.) The sun ha(d) barely peeked over the eastern horizon. I was standing in the parking lot of Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas. I had barely got off the bus
--> 'barely' x2

9.) "BRAD BENNETT!" (h)e shouted(,) louder.

10.) "HERE!(") I yelled out.
--> delete the quotation marks at the end

11.) "Sonny!" (h)e exclaimed. "It is so good to see you."

12.) "How have you been, Sonny?" I've heard so much about you."
--> no quote marks in the middle

13.) I had sent it to (m)y (a)unt, and she must have given it to him.

14.) upside down, my emotions (toward) him as well.
--> no 's' on toward

That's it. Hope something here is helpful. Thanks and good luck!







 Comment Written 22-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 22-Sep-2020
    Many thanks for catching the typos Robyn. I always thought an exclamation mark is also a period, so that's why I capitalized the next word.
    You are right about the transition from John's story, to the end of the war para start. When I pasted the story in, the last sentence there was accidently left off, I put it back in. Thanks again for that!
    Glad you liked the story.


reply by robyn corum on 22-Sep-2020
    Punctuation is pretty much punctuation - but speech tags much be punctuated appropriately. If you have questions about it holler and I can pass on a fav website that explains it well and you can keep as a reference --

    Oh, wait. I'll just go ahead and share it, jic.

    http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/

    This is my favorite ever - it's easy and quick. I keep it bookmarked in my browser so I can reference it quickly AND pass it on, like this. Thanks!

reply by the author on 22-Sep-2020
    Thankyou!
Comment by
equestrik
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  50
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  148
Review Stars
  Rank:  5
 

#5 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
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This was quite a story. Thank you for sharing and you laid it all out in such a way that it was not confusing and was easy to follow. Isn't it interesting how life rolls along and just when we think we will be able to have an"I told you so" moment-we don't.


 Comment Written 22-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 22-Sep-2020
    Many thanks. I know if you give me five. It's the real deal!

reply by equestrik on 22-Sep-2020
    :)
Comment by
Iza Deleanu
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  101
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  10
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  Rank:  10
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Review Stars
  Rank:  12
 

#10 Ranked Author

#10 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Poor kid that become the target of a man that have seen the horror of the war, and didn't have the courage to admit that was affected.
When I visited him on that day, it was evident he had dementia, and in some ways, that was a blessing. His condemning memories were erased. What I saw was a man freed from his past.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.


 Comment Written 22-May-2020



reply by the author on 23-May-2020
    Thank you so much. So glad you liked it. I'm writing a book. I will put a few chapters on for preview. It will help my direction, if you are interested.

reply by Iza Deleanu on 26-May-2020
    Sure
Comment by
Michelle Dillard
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Script Rating
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Excellent writing. This story really reeled me in and captured all of my attention. I would love to have heard more about the other siblings and Janine. Overall I thought the story had somewhat of a poetic flow. It was very descriptive and imaginative. I felt really drawn in. I am a voice over artist and read the whole thing out loud. By doing this, I was able to really hear the rhythm of the story. Good speed on your future projects.
Ms. D.


 Comment Written 22-May-2020



reply by the author on 23-May-2020
    Thank you, Michelle. I'm writing a book on this. It will provide more insight into their past. I'm thinking of putting a few chapters on for preview if you would be interested. This is some poetry my wife's mother wrote which i will use.
    If is only a little word but alas, what it can mean
    If only such that not occurred, or else, what might have been.
Comment by
Amanda Louise Davis
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  296
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This was amazingly well written. I loved it. It's the best story I have ever read on this site actually. I think you have donne excellently. Definitely keep it up.


 Comment Written 22-May-2020



reply by the author on 23-May-2020
    Thank you so much. I'm writing a book about this, I will put a few chapters on as I'm writing their story, Feed back woudbe great.
Comment by
thaities, Rebecca V.
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Poet Rating
 
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  Rank:  7
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  Rank:  12
Review Stars
  Rank:  9
 

#7 Ranked Author
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a wonderful story. I am happy for you that you were able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make something of your life. I hope the rest of your life continues to be fulfilled.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 08-May-2020



reply by the author on 08-May-2020
    Thank you. I've just started this program and having a dickens of a time finding my way in it.

    Thank you to all.

reply by thaities, Rebecca V. on 08-May-2020
    If you made it this far, you will finish the race.
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