Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

8 Words or Less Poem
Deadline: Today!

5-7-5 Poetry
Deadline: Tomorrow!

Loop Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 3 Days

75 Words Flash Fiction
Deadline: In 6 Days

My Faith Poetry
Deadline: Dec 10th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
on wings of eagles


Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Flying Eagle Ranch"

My NaNoWriMo expanded. Adventures of Maxi McGee

  8 total reviews 
Comment by
Lucy de Welles
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  432 (+4)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Nancy!

I really enjoyed the tour of Joshua's ranch. The characters have so much fun getting together. Their roles and relationships are unfolding and expanding with each chapter. You know, what I really like about your writing is that it is from a prosperous point of view. Everything works for these people. They are all being pulled to a higher place. A richer place. In every way. There is no poverty in your writing. And that's refreshing.

Great read. Keep going! Use the spell checker.
Hugs, Lucy

"Samaritan" has to be capitalized because it is a proper noun.

Destiny took a phot(o) of Moni...( take out "the" and add "o" to phot).


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2020
    Lucy: thank you for being a true fan. My characters loved exploring the ranch after being stuck in the vehicles with the momma bear outside. I still have a "homeless dark theme" with Maxi and Phoenix connecting to others to become a light.

    I enjoy having a professor coach us (David Wheeler on Coursera). He wants us to write 500 words/day. In my NaNoWriMo's, I wrote 2000 + in a day, but editing is harder. Colorado style surprises are coming up, Lucy. God's blessings. nancy
Comment by
2020 Poet of the Year
royowen
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  10
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 
 Rank:  1
 

#10 Ranked Poet

#1 Ranked Reviewer!
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I enjoyed this episode Nancy, and get the feel of the horses and the people on this ranch with all its animal flesh, and like most Christians who have very healthy appetites, there's a burgeoning feeling if bon ami and Fellowship in this bunch of wonderfully loving people, well done Nancy, brilliant job, with this narrative, blessings, Roy


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
    roy: thank you for reading this long chapter. I had comments that it was toooo long, too much dialogue, etc. My characters got excited after encountering the bear in my last chapter, to see this ranch. If you look on the website, it's based on "Flying Horse Ranch," which is geared for weddings, cattle drives and riding.

    In Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA, there are carpenters that are reusing the wood that boarded up stores after George Floyd protests. People are building small houses in the church lot to house homeless people. This fits into my story perfectly. We are all a community resting in Jesus. God's blessing. nancy

reply by royowen on 22-Aug-2020
    That is one marvellous story, I?ve had a bit to do with the homeless, they are just normal people, battered by an insensitive world, and bad luck, bless you Nancy,

reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
    roy: thank you for your friendship. God's blessings nancy

reply by royowen on 23-Aug-2020
    Always Nancy.
Comment by
Mastery
Published Author
Semper Fi
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  10
Review Stars
  
 

#10 Ranked Novelist
Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi my friend. Well, it is good to see you posting another chapter to your book. I enjoy the story, but I have some suggestions for you. If ever you don't want these ideas of mine, just let me know, Okay?

Suggest you re-do paragraph one completely:

""Joshua, when is The Father's House group arriving? I have their lunch ready, pulled brisket sandwiches, cowboy beans, double baked, cheddar cheese potatoes, broccoli salad, and apple crisp," said Chef Brody sitting in a cozy leather chair by the stone fireplace in Joshua's office overlooking the Flying Eagle Ranch outside of Boulder, Colorado."

First of all, never, ever start a chapter with dialogue. And, remember what I told you about using a good "hook" to open all of your chapters? It really is very important. May I suggest this for an opener: "Chef Brody sat in a cozy leather chair by the stone fireplace."

After that the paragraph is a huge long run-on sentence. You really need to break it into two paragraphs, at least:

Also: I would not interject my personal feelings about vegan versus meat. It may be true, but it is distracting and really accomplishes nothing for the story.

And: This is a "mish-mash" of bad dialogue. Too many questions thrown all at once etc:
"Tommy, can you head back to the ranch? Did you see Terry in his van and Arlee's truck?" Joshua called on his cell phone. "Can you direct Arlee to the summer kitchen to set up the playground equipment, please?"

And: There is so much more I could add, but I think this is enough for now, my friend.

One last thing: who uses the word "dine" in a case like this? "Brody rang a triangular bell outside of his kitchen. "Lunch is ready, come and dine!" (Come and eat or come and get it sounds more natural, don't ypou think?

Lots of work to do, Nancy. sorry. Bob


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
    Bob: I appreciate your critiques so I can see through the master's eyes and aim to write smarter. I agree with the statement, "lunch is ready, come and get it!" I'll shorten the next posting. (Don't shake your head, I'm trying).

    How is your daughter doing at Michigan? Did they go on-line only now? Our schools start on Monday in our community. In Colorado, the schools are on-line with my daughter going into her last sememster in education. God's blessings. nancy

reply by Mastery on 22-Aug-2020
    Thanks Nancy. I appreciate your concern for my grand daughter's college. so far, nothing has been decided on the colleges as far as we know. Regular schools K thru 12 are going to attend two days a week and do the other three days a week on line. ARRRGH! Poor kids. : ) Bob

reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
    Bob: I'm editing. My next post will be from Maxi pov. We can dive into imagination. Our loved ones have reality with this unseen virus. We'll have to stay on praying ground.

    Annie just sent me a poem she wrote. It's fun to see our family spread their wings and fly.

    nancy

reply by Mastery on 22-Aug-2020
    Good, Nan. :) Bob
Comment by
2020 Recognized Writer of the Year
lyenochka
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  3
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  2
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  12
Script Rating
  Rank:  6
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  2
 

#2 Ranked Author

#3 Ranked Poet

#6 Ranked Script Writer

#2 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Thanks for the tour of the ranch - shows your knowledge of horses! And things are really heating up between Phoenix and Maxi now. I like that the two very different chefs can work together. I think this is really about three posts in terms of what Fanstory reviewers would read.
Comments:
I like Michelon all weather tires," (Michelin?)
Phoenix, I've seen your can do with God spirit (can-do)


 Comment Written 21-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
    lyenochka: thank you for following me in these chapters. Our professor wants us to write 500 words/day and submit 2500 words/week. I'll shorten these posts.

    I appreciate you catching my errors. My characters scattered at the horse ranch and I wrote this scattered. I'll focus on Maxi's journey more in my act three. Glad you liked the romance - not the intense bedroom scene as Mastery wrote. I think this is about as much romance as I can write. It took awhile to get into Phoenix's head while I wrote this. Stay well and God protected. nancy

reply by lyenochka on 21-Aug-2020
    I appreciate the lack of steamy scenes. Lol.
Comment by
thaities, Rebecca V.
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  88
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  27
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Wonderful story!

Noticed two typos: I copied the beginning of the paragraph, so you can find them easier.

"I would love to eat supper with you all," said Arlee. "After I compete (complete) this playground layout, I have to hit the road again to Fort Collins for their city park.

"I'm sure we will all get lessons before we ride, I'll be happy to help you all," said Destiny. "I grew up on a ranch and competed in barrel racing. I needed customs (costumes) for the shows, so I designed them at an early age."



 Comment Written 21-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
    Rebecca: thank you for spotting my errors. My characters were so excited to see my ranch so they scattered. I'll focus on Maxi's journeys in this act three. God's blessings and stay healthy. nancy

reply by thaities, Rebecca V. on 22-Aug-2020
    Yours is a great story. I enjoy it.

reply by the author on 22-Aug-2020
    Rebecca, I'll make it shorter next time. So much to do in this new environment at the legacy ranch. nancy
Comment by
robyn corum
Word Twister
Story Catcher
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  2
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  27
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  60
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  15
 

#2 Ranked Poet
Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Nancy,

A nice addition to your story. The Ranch sounds like a huge place with lots to do and see. *smile*

I made a lot of notes for you below. Hope you find something helpful:
1.) "Joshua, where did you want us to park(?)" asked Linda as they approached

2.) Linda gazed at Joshua's three story ranch house with white and taupe stucco house and a green metal roof that held solar panels."
--> delete the last 'house'
--> delete the quote marks at the end

3.) Arlee stopped in front (of) Joshua's estate and hopped out.

4.) "Joshua will have to buy Pastor Sam a set of new tires for this old van, I like Michelon all weather tires,"
--> since he already said the first part EXACTLY just a paragraph or so before, maybe you could word this differently -
--> I'll tell Joshua that when he buys the replacements I recommend Michelin's all-weather tires.
--> please notice it has an 'i' in Michelin instead of 'o'.

5.) There (are) plenty of rooms in the ranch bunkhouse by the horse stables.

6.) "I would love to eat supper with you all," said Arlee. "After I compete this playground layout,
--> you're doing great with dialogue - but a conversation is like what? 90% body language - so what's happening?
Are they jusxt standing there talking to each other? I know at one point it seemed like someone was doing something to a vehicle, but I really only have a very vague idea of what it might have been - when I'd rather have a really clear picture. What are they doing with their faces (expressions) and with their hands and feet? What's the wind doing - or the sun?

7.) the equipment and during the afternoon they built the playground for the handicap(ped) and children of all skills.

8.) "These cowboy beans are an old-time favorite at the ranch(,)" said Brody.

9.) "Please pass that apple crisp(.)" She took a large serving. "Yummy!"
--> this is probably where you should have stopped this post - You KNOW longer posts don't get as many readers. It's a shame - but it's true. *smile*

10.) "What(,) Maxi?(") Phoenix stopped and looked into her brown

11.) Hands around each (others' waists), they strolled back to the ranch,

12.) "Have you been around horses?" Destiny took a selfie of the girls and the horses.
--> may need to reword this - it sounds like she took a picture of the other girls with the horses --? If she's not in it, it's not a 'selfie'

13.) "No, we're city slickers. I know Moni and I will need riding lessons." Annie shook her hands.
--> What does 'shook her hands' mean?

14.) Brody makes the best grilled beef brisket and vegan blue bean burgers."
--> I don't think he can brag on those vegan burgers yet

15.) Brody served food family style on the buffet table.
--> this sounds a little incongruous -- family style on the BUFFET table?
So was it served on a table to the side - like a side table - (china cabinet sort of thing) or on the actual dinner table WITH the guests to sit and pass?

16.) Large framed photos of family members riding horses (or on) cattle drive(s) lined the walls.

17.) "Love these beans and the cilantro(.)" Annie took another serving of the cowboy beans.

18.) "I hope he plays the piano for us(,)" Maxi said. She put some broccoli salad onto her plate.

You are doing a great deal of TELLING in this chapter rather than SHOWING. Be on the lookout for that. Thanks a bunch - good luck!













 Comment Written 21-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
    robyn: thank you for the many edits you pointed out to me. I appreciate you and will update next. Hope you like the Momma bear encounter in the chapter before this with 1000 words. I will shorten the next chapters and go back to show me. My characters scattered as they explored the emormous ranch.
    Stay healthy roybn. nancy

reply by robyn corum on 21-Aug-2020
    Thanks, girl. I'm sorry if I've missed some. I've currently got about 70 unread messages and I'm just reading them as they come at the moment so I may get to the older chaps and may not. I don't know if I'll EVER get caught up. I feel like I'm always behind! hahaha Thanks a bunch --

reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
    robyn: thank you for your friendship and reviewing me. I have 415 messages. I enjoyed sharing time with my daughters, who chose to be vegan now for 3 years. We enjoy horse ranches and riding at the ranches. Oh course, hiking is fun in Colorado and swimming in the lakes is fun here in Iowa and Minnesota. God's blessings. nancy

reply by robyn corum on 21-Aug-2020
    OMS! hahahaha
Comment by
equestrik
 
Review Stars
 
 
Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I think the topic of your story could be appealing. There are some clumsy word usages and the conversations often seem to be just too simple and there is too much of it. Las Vegas is spelled incorrectly in paragraph 5. Keep at it though, it has potential.


 Comment Written 21-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
    equestrik: thanks for stopping by. We are fans now.
    I love horse ranches and riding. Check out my "Momma bear encounter," on my site which is shorter and tighter. God's blessings. flylikeaneagle
Comment by
Alcreator Litt Dear
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  6
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Fantastic! It is an interesting adventure exploration and experimentation story about family legacy, living and enjoying life is well covered; I have enjoyed the skimmed plot fostered by realistic and contributory dialogues; well said, well done, thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR


 Comment Written 21-Aug-2020



reply by the author on 21-Aug-2020
    Alcreator: so glad that you liked this long story. My characters scattered at the ranch, all doing their own thing. God's blessings and stay well inside his nest. flylikeaneagle - nancy
  -1-   Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
Football Chapter 34 part 2
A mother faces life's struggles.


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy