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Reviews from
A Trip to Mars


I was chased by Elon Musk in an amphibian car on Mars.

  28 total reviews 
Comment by
Bill Pinder
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Very interesting and creative story about the future. I appreciate that you're looking through rose colored glasses at a time when most classes are covered with mud. Thanks for sharing your creativity and congratulations on winning the contest. Bill


 Comment Written 25-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 25-Sep-2020
    Thank you so much for the nice review.
Comment by
Tina Crute
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What a cool adventure fitted into a great short story! A version of this would make a great kids' book too. You definitely have the creativity that it takes. I enjoyed your story, especially because this could almost be true someday. Keep your future rosy:)
Did you mean..."Why isn't IT red here?" (about 6-7 sentences from the beginning)
I wish you the best in the contest!
Tina


 Comment Written 23-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 23-Sep-2020
    Thank you so much for the editing. I added this part due to review comments So didn?t notice it. Really appreciate this nice review
Comment by
teols2016
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It is a fun story, but it needs to be cleaned up a bit. You repeat a lot of words in close proximity to one another (i.e. Mars.)

Also:

"Welcome to Mars!" said Ryan with his arms thrown wide in the air. "Do you want to take a tour of this new world?" asked Ryan almost breathlessly as though he couldn't wait to show me around.

My suggestion:

"Welcome to Mars!" said Ryan with his arms thrown wide in the air. "Do you want to take a tour of this new world?"

He was almost breathless as though he couldn't wait to show me around.

You don't need to reatribute diologue to the same speaker, even if they are asking a question instead of making a statement.

Otherwise, a fun read. Well done.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 22-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 22-Sep-2020
    Thank you for your suggestion. I have replaced two Mars with "It" and "Here". Made correction above.
Comment by
AnnieDawn
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This was an exciting read as the characters were easy to relate to. I enjoyed it but have one questioning area of concern. Otherwise perfect. Great job.

I couldn't believe it until I now.(Revise sentence?)


 Comment Written 22-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 22-Sep-2020
    Thanks. I updated to "I couldn't believe it until now."
    Is it good? I added this paragraph per someone's comment. That's why .
Comment by
elchupakabra
 
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I have several challenges with the piece but the idea is there. I thought the opening was a bit clunky, I think you could be more descriptive than 'the red planet' which seemed oddly literal as opposed to a reference because it was preceded by calling it Mars. I also found bits of the dialogue to be a touch overly enthusiastic, like a pushy shopkeeper as opposed to genuine excitement. Good work nonetheless, good luck in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.


 Comment Written 13-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 14-Sep-2020
    I really appreciate your suggestions. I will revise it accordingly. The enthusiasm is genuine because I?m a big Elon Musk fun. I?m writing a book called ?A Genius? Assistant?. I won the contest by the way
Comment by
Cindy Warren
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I'm still trying to figure out why people want to live on Mars. There's nothing there. This sounds like a lovely fantasy, but I think I'll stay right here. I like things like trees and flowers, and air!


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2020
    You are right. I always say that if Mars is like Hawaii, I will go there. This is my Dream. There are two ways: 1. Build a dome on Mars which I did write about and didn?t fit in. 2. Warm it up by throwing a atomic bomb. Thanks for the nice review.
Comment by
robyn corum
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Dear Mystery Writer,

If I'm right, this is not the first time you have written about your obsession for Elon Musk. *smile* It definitely seems to be something you feel strongly about.

Some notes:
1.) "You haven't seen the half of it(,)" Sam agreed.

2.) "We're being chased(,)" I yelled. On this strange

It's hard for me to imagine all these crazy machines of the future (or near future). Especially while people seem so determined not to work toward a communal future at all right now! I'm an optimist, though.

This sounds amazing. Thanks!



 Comment Written 12-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2020
    Yes. I have written 20,000 words toward a book ?A Genius Assistant? and guess who the genius is? I will post some here. I had a lot of fun writing it but needs editing. Thanks for the nice review.
Comment by
Wabigoon
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Seems to me this is probably a dream turned into a story. Interesting. I might try to read it that way but will spare you. I doubt the red planet has flowers, birds or lakes -- might have once but probably not now, Elon or not. I read a book on the Red Planet by Graham Hancock describing the asteroid strike that probably wiped the place out...permanently.

Thanks for the story. I enjoyed it.

I noticed this at the start of the story. I just don't think you need to use "Ryan" again so soon, probably just "he asked." asked Ryan

Best
Wabigoon/Jeff


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2020
    It is a artificially created place in a doom which was described later but I can?t fit it in.

reply by Wabigoon on 12-Sep-2020
    "In a 'doom," you must mean dome? I can buy that. Have you read Artemis? About a dome on the moon. multiple domes.

reply by the author on 12-Sep-2020
    Thanks. Maybe I should make it more clear. I read a few Artemis Fools books many years ago. Should go back and read them again.

reply by Wabigoon on 13-Sep-2020
    This Artemis is by same guy who wrote "The Martian," science fiction writer. Can't think of his name, will lose this if I look it up. Book is very good, "hard" science fiction, meaning lots of "scientific description." The heroine of the book is a young Saudi woman with a very strong criminal streak. I highly recommend it.

    Jeff

reply by the author on 14-Sep-2020
    I read ?The Marxian? and saw the movie. Thanks. I will find the book. I won the contest

reply by Wabigoon on 15-Sep-2020
    Congrats, Lisa!
    It's the Martian. Maybe he's a Marxian but not as far as I know. You have a Power in your "slips" you should be aware of and take advantage of. Let me see if I can get the guy's name right. Andy Weir. Very good book, in my opinion.

    Best
    Wabigoon/Jeff

reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
    Haha. Yes. I made these ?slips? on purpose. They were puns

reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
    There is another and faster way to warm up Mars: threw a atomic bomb to it, declare by Elon Musk on Then late night with Steven Colbert.

reply by Wabigoon on 16-Sep-2020
    Lisa--
    I will not try to respond to this...literally. But, say, why does Musk appear in a shark costume? Vehicle? Why are you "fleeing" him? I feel the way to warm up Mars is to recover it from the Dantean, meaning Dante of the Divine Comedy, scheme and remove it from that scheme. I think it can be a perfectly viable planet, if cold. What do you think?

    Best
    Wabigoon/Jeff

reply by the author on 20-Sep-2020
    Very intriguing. I read some of your posting and found it interesting. I read all books by Dan Brown and like them. I?m on the road and will write more.
Comment by
2019 Script Writer of the Year
Bill Schott
 
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#3 Ranked Script Writer
Excellent
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This futuristic story, A Trip to Mars, is a full positive look at a successful establishment that will thrive and make all the efforts and treasure that go into it pay off. Here's to the future.


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2020
    Thanks
Comment by
Wen Lu
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I want to give an eight star rating!
This is one of the best writing so far I have seen about Mars and Martians. It is written as if going to the Mars is like going to another small city to visit your family members. You know the people and your idol on Mars. Great fantasy. I hope it becomes reality someday not too far in the future.


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2020



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2020
    Thank you so much for the exceptional review. I had a lot of fun writing it.
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