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ddsaar

Teeth by Realist101

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Great I laughed my head off. The end caught me out even though i knew something was coming. Well done hope it does well for you. You have brightened up a gloomy sunday.
I might even relay this to my colleague who is going through the thoes of morning sickness.

Cheers
David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 28-Oct-2012
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Black Dragon Ch 3 by Torrence Winter
Chapter 3 of the book Black Dragon

Excellent
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hi,

It flows well and is easy to visualise. I dont like the name Ryuu but hell its not mine so thats inconsequential.

I feel you go the amount of showing and telling about right here.. I also have a difficulty with this, so I know how you feel.

POV yes I got it hes a right little git!


a few things you might also want to take a look at.
1. - you write 'Mother, I am sorry..' although this is right its very formal a more natural sound would be 'Mum I'm sorry'
2. - another one is - 'Mother, I have to go, Lynn is here to help me study' how about Mum, I've got to go, Lynn's here to help me study'

3. you write - She wiggled from under him. do you mean wriggled?

4.you write - "Doesn't mean that I can't cope a feel here and there" I think you mean cop a feel.

Its well written and enjoyable thanks for posting it

David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 17-Oct-2012

Out of the Frying Pan and ... by nor84
Chapter 4 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

Excellent
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Norma,

I like this story, you have in Hans created an engaging character. It runs along at a good pace and its easy to visualise.
I do have a couple of questions for you though.
With regards to Hans and his English, I know you have stated he is rusty so I wonder if some of the expressions you are using for him are not a bit too advanced for a foreigner.
The Germans I know speak very formally and when they speak in English they are formal too.

You have written - "Do not push me, Schweinhund, or I'll knock you on your ass." would he not be more likely to say I will rather than I'll and would he also say knock you on your ass?

a bit further along you use Gott in Himmel - its ok but he might be more likely to say Mein Gott istead.

You have tex I think going to the toilet as you have said "While take a powder meant nothing," I am in agreement with Hans. We here will say a lady has gone to poweder her nose, but it is an expression never used for a man.

all in all its good stuff though and enjoyable reading

david
Comment Written by ddsaar on 15-Oct-2012

The Cabbie by nor84
Chapter 3 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

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Hi

You move the story along nicely here. I know what its like to be a foreigner so I feel for Hans. I am intruiged by the character of Tex. Are taxi drivers so helpful? or have I missed something?
You leave us with a nice little hook at the end of this.
Thanks for taking the time to explain a short stack :)

Keep it going

David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 13-Oct-2012

The adventures of Jay Simpson by Alexmi1984

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A nice start to what will hopefully be an intruiging story.
There are of course more questions as well as who killed JAY why is also one I hope you explore and explain.
Do We take the white light as a sign jay lived a good life?

Look forward to more.
Comment Written by ddsaar on 12-Oct-2012

He Looked Into Her Eyes by Janie King

Excellent
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HI,

This is a heartwarming little tale. Lets you know that there are decent loving people on this planet of ours.
I cant think of anything else to say. There isnt any formatting or spag so well done I am glad they had a good time together. thanks for sharing

David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 11-Oct-2012

Big Veg by Sarkems

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Brilliant,
Very well done, you have done all asked and kept within the guidelines. You made me laugh. Easy to visualise and flows well.
I hope you win.

Cheers David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 10-Oct-2012
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

The investigation by dmt1967
Chapter 3 of the book The ts detectve

Good
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Hi,

Story is ok.

You might want to take another look at these points though.

1. "Just do what you are told. Drop the case; that is an order" The captain growled. - how about "Just do as you're told. Drop the case and that's an order." The captain growled.

2. "There's no easy way to say this," I began, "but I am a transsexual woman." _This just doesnt read correctly. I have asked a few of my colleagues here at work and we all think there is a better way of putting it. The popular choice is, "There isn't an easy way to tell you this, but I am going to have a sexchange." This isnt perfect either but our little group of 26 here think this is more lifelike.

3."I am Haley, from Haley, Jones, and Smith Solicitors. We were asked to deliver this letter to you, on this day, at this time." Mr. Harley said with a smile. - Is it Haley or Harley?

4.He held the letter out to me, with a steady hand; I automatically took the letter from his out stretched hand.
- this doesnt read right either..it clumsy and you can shorten it to something like - He held the letter out to me, and with a steady hand, I automatically took it.
You still have the point you were making where she is just working without thought and it takes out the repetition and that horrible semi-colon.

Regards
Comment Written by ddsaar on 10-Oct-2012

Are You A Writer? by Ideasaregems-Dawn

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Nice,

I hope it wasnt me..I dont think it was...you should have told the guy he/she was an arse.
Iw rite dark stuff from time to time, and to be honest its great to let it just run, you can have a lot of fun murdering people you dont like.

For someone to take a piece of writing and call you mad because of it is someone who needs to be looked at themselves as their perception is skew whiff.

Did you find some comfort in religion?
David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 09-Oct-2012

Is this the end by dmt1967
Chapter 22 of the book The ts detectve

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Hi, this ok, youve done a nice job of rounding things off for the reader - well one.
no spag...excdept for the last line.
you write = TO BE CONTINUED.......

3 dots after continued any more is just exccessive.
Comment Written by ddsaar on 07-Oct-2012


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