Chapter 3 of the book The ts detectve
Story is ok.
You might want to take another look at these points though.
1. "Just do what you are told. Drop the case; that is an order" The captain growled. - how about "Just do as you're told. Drop the case and that's an order." The captain growled.
2. "There's no easy way to say this," I began, "but I am a transsexual woman." _This just doesnt read correctly. I have asked a few of my colleagues here at work and we all think there is a better way of putting it. The popular choice is, "There isn't an easy way to tell you this, but I am going to have a sexchange." This isnt perfect either but our little group of 26 here think this is more lifelike.
3."I am Haley, from Haley, Jones, and Smith Solicitors. We were asked to deliver this letter to you, on this day, at this time." Mr. Harley said with a smile. - Is it Haley or Harley?
4.He held the letter out to me, with a steady hand; I automatically took the letter from his out stretched hand.
- this doesnt read right either..it clumsy and you can shorten it to something like - He held the letter out to me, and with a steady hand, I automatically took it.
You still have the point you were making where she is just working without thought and it takes out the repetition and that horrible semi-colon.
Comment Written by ddsaar on 10-Oct-2012