Chapter 2 of the book The ts detectve
This is better, its interesting (not that the other chapters arent) it flows well, you have beliveable characters - Bill and Ben will get missed by the Americans.
although you have added the small bit about when he came out to his friends - its in the wrong place- should have been in chapter 1. WE the readers already know its about a TS so why wait to tell us about it?
You use the phrase - They all sent me to Coventry - This is unique to us Brits, I would suggest you take it out and use something else.
you write - Little did I know, finding Helen's killer would change my life forever?
Take the question mark out..this is a statement not a question. Its redundant.
This chapter moves the story along at a good pace, you dont throw oodles of information at us as a lot of writers do (me included) and it is enticing us to read more.
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012