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ddsaar

Helen's murderer by dmt1967
Chapter 2 of the book The ts detectve

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This is better, its interesting (not that the other chapters arent) it flows well, you have beliveable characters - Bill and Ben will get missed by the Americans.
although you have added the small bit about when he came out to his friends - its in the wrong place- should have been in chapter 1. WE the readers already know its about a TS so why wait to tell us about it?
You use the phrase - They all sent me to Coventry - This is unique to us Brits, I would suggest you take it out and use something else.
you write - Little did I know, finding Helen's killer would change my life forever?
Take the question mark out..this is a statement not a question. Its redundant.

This chapter moves the story along at a good pace, you dont throw oodles of information at us as a lot of writers do (me included) and it is enticing us to read more.
Well done.
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012

The start by dmt1967
Chapter 1 of the book The ts detectve

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Hi
This is ok. I am just wondering if you at any time considered splitting it into two?
You spend most of the chapter telling us about the relationship between Jet and Helen. Yet Jet has goen through a huge upheave in her life in the sexchange. You do mention the two years she has to live as a woman before the op, but no mention of how it is handled at the police station. Also transsexuals go through an awful lot of self doubt and angst as they come to grips with their situation. Having told Helen of his desire to become a woman. YOu tell us about her reaction - which is what I would expect but how about some of his thoughts at this point. Maybe some ideation of suicide?
You have a great concept for a story here. I just think if you make this into two chapters you can beef out some of the missing details and let the reader get sucked in.
There are some spelling mistakes you should take care of.
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012

The shoot-out by dmt1967
Chapter 20 of the book The ts detectve

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You wrote - We are going for a little drive
try closing some of the words together for a natural sound hence - We're going for a little drive

you wrote - gives me the gun like a good girl. Lose the s on gives...its just wrong.

you wrote - Went and checked on The Boss, 'Went' follows a comma it should be lower case not a capital letter.

Do you see now what I mean about the mechanics of your writing?
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012

The story and nothing but... by dmt1967
Chapter 21 of the book The ts detectve

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Hi,
I am confused!

An authority higher than the president of the USA, so this is God's task force?

I am not sure about your detectives instincts. I mean getting in the car sound a bit dodgy to me.

I am going to go back and re-read previous chapters and then re-evaluate this one as I might be being a bit unfair.

David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012

Resolution by KayakerNZ

Excellent
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Hi this is a nice read. I found the characters lifelike and it was all easy to visualise - well done.

A couple of points for you.
You write - Having always ben on the small side - I think you mean 'been'
Some of your sentnces run on a bit so you might want to have a look at them again.
Finally, in your dialogue...its very stiff in places and formal...we don't speak like that...for instance you write - 'No, you have had your say now it's my turn.'
Would this not be better if it was so - 'No, you've had your say now it's my turn.'

Thank you for the read.

david
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012

Chapter 11 by babylonia
Chapter 10 of the book The Hunger's Game

Excellent
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What do you mean THE END?
Barabara there is a whole lot more you can do with this. Many different directions you could have gone with and to be honest I do feel a little cheated. Its a bit like a one night stand and all over before the man can get his socks off.

What you have is good but you can develop this into so much more.

David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 03-Oct-2012

Until the Daylight by nor84
Chapter 1 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

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Hi I have taken the liberty to come back and read chapter 1.
Its pretty good. Hans is an engaging character. I do like the fact you have Hans struggling with the little nuances in the language. Germans have terrible problems with words that have gh in them...Slough they pronounce as sluff and bough as buff, so to have him stumbling works well.
A brunette with long legs! who could resist?

I have one little bugbear and thats the word schatzi - its not right kid. shatz is sweetheart singular and schatze is sweethearts. there isn't a variable with it ending in i

keep it going and i will be back
david
Comment Written by ddsaar on 01-Oct-2012

A score to settle by nor84
Chapter 2 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

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Hi, Norma,

Its been a while since I read any of your writing and I have to say this is good, You convey Hans' sense of frustration well and the story has a good flow to it making for a nice easy read.
I have only one little point and its the american v the rest of the world. you use the word frosting. We don't for us it's icing. you could get away with changing the doughnut and make it glaze..hell's bells I would still eat it! :)

My only other point is in the notes, you say Has was a former German Officer, but in what? It may prove helpful to the reader for them to know are they reading about a SS or Wehrmacht officer.
I spent 8 years in Germany and they are now all saying they were in the Afika Korps!

any how I digress and I have to say its enjoyable

cheers

david
Comment Written by ddsaar on 01-Oct-2012

Chapter 7 by babylonia
Chapter 7 of the book The Hunger's Game

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Barbara,

I am confused hence the four stars. I read this a couple of times, spotted some mistakes which I will come back to but the bigger problem for me is I dont get it.
Is Morty in this or not ..I am beginning to wonder if I missed a chapter.
But going back to the start of this chapter she is still reciting that morty loves her.

ok mistakes!
1.Cadence starts the car. - This isnt so much a mistake as its repetition ..two lines earlier you had put she started the car..I really think one of the lines is redundant.

2. "So what brings you to town? Have you seen Disney yet? I hear they have some great rides." - I love this line...its a grteat bit of humour and it doesnt detract from the rest of the story.

3.but several convenient stores mix in among them - Do you mean convenience?

The story thus far has been a great read but this has confused the pants off me.

david
Comment Written by ddsaar on 25-Sep-2012

ZOO [ripped to shreds] by Ted T

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Ted,

Thanks for posting this. For a long time I have suspected all the co-author books are not written by him, he is just adding his name to something, the amount of stuff coming out with his name on is just unbelieveable.
So it looks like he has been caught out with a stinker. I am sure he will get over it and I am sure some backroom kid at the publishers, either got fired or had already been fired and was getting his own back.

Cheers

David
Comment Written by ddsaar on 16-Sep-2012


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