King Wise
An eight line acrostic, humour poem; pl read Author Notes
Pays: 8 points.
94 member cents
Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

samandlancelot

Get Busy Living...! by Aaqib Naeem

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

It's good to meet up with you again, Aaqib. It's not good to call yourself an idiot. Sometimes we need to step back and reflect so we can find the right way to move forward. Don't beat yourself over it. Now you are ready to proceed with your life, and it is good.
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 21-Apr-2021

Demelza by duaneculbertson
Chapter 19 of the book The Stoneseekers

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Duane,

Demelza sounds like a physically strong, fascinating character lured by the promise of gold to diminish her moral values.

I can see why you included all the information in this chapter, to let the reader know and understand your main character, but I think it's too much telling and not enough showing.

Demelza goes to the alley entrance to gather her thoughts, but you don't bring us inside her mind to let her reveal her own thoughts to us. You let the narrator tell us.

For example:

Instead of telling about her thoughts, share her thoughts in quotes: "I'm far more complex than they believe. They base it on first appearances. I'm more than that."

Demelza kicked a stone, watching it carom of (off) a wall

I hope this helps.

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 20-Apr-2021

God Whispers to Me a Life by Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Al,

Of course, God whispers to you. He speaks to His friends, and His friends know His voice.

I think this would be more effective without your last paragraph. It seems repetitive, and your second-to-the-last paragraph contains a powerful message for a good ending.

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 20-Apr-2021

The Darkened Gatekeeper by MaggieLouise

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Maggie Louise,

There are many images you've created in your poetic tale. Which side will you choose and forgiveness stand out. I'm not sure if the horror is to go to the place of forgiveness or to not have friends.

suckers who draw your heart
out in tussled ruffles of razors for candy (great imagery)

dance the dance of the spinning sun . (love it)

You are a talented poet.

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 13-Apr-2021

The Problem with being Bored by mobileliz

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This was a fun story, enjoyable to read. Nice descriptions and reaction by your protagonist. Whether or not the oddity went away was all up to Randy.

rinsed out his mug and put in (change 'in' to 'it') in the dish drainer,

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 12-Apr-2021
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

A Wounded Soldier by patcelaw

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Patcelaw,

Have those judging Christians ever gone through the valley of death? They are foolish to believe they are righteous if they don't suffer the ailments of others.

I had a friend who believed God blessed her life because she deserved it. She faithfully read His Word and witnessed to others (she led me to God). Those who struggled didn't do what she did. When her body failed her and she developed a disorder that made her skin feel like it was on fire and gave her constant pain, she suffered more because of her belief system. If others deserved the bad things in their lives, what was the reason for her sudden downfall?

Sometimes only God can show them the truth. Perhaps He'll do that through you and your suffering.

Patricia

Comment Written by samandlancelot on 12-Apr-2021

~ Going Away ~ by Jannypan (Jan)
Announcement of the book The Spirits at Bellamy Bridge

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Jan,

This is a fascinating story, and your author notes were helpful.

I wonder why you chose to narrate the whole story. I think you could make this story more powerful if you show it instead of telling everything. You share every thought in one monologue.

If you have your ghost interact with the living, you could add more needed tension to your scene. What's your plan for Samuel? Did he move on? Did their baby die in your story? What motivates Elizabeth? What does she need to accomplish in this story? Her objective needs to be made clear.

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 12-Apr-2021

A Night of love by poetwatch

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I liked your surprise ending. There are lovers in every species, and they multiply.

Excellent flash fiction in sixty words.

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 11-Apr-2021
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

CATastrophic Nightmare by Elizabeth Emerald

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Elizabeth,

A fun, smile-inducing story throughout. I loved Lauren's inventive genius names for your cats. I'm glad Socks was okay.

Too cute!

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 11-Apr-2021

Legacy

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You told your story well through the diary of Cathleen's step-mother. Good descriptions throughout.

as it exhaled its last breath, and I cant help but imagine the deep crimson bleeding into its fabric; (excellent descriptions)

She was not best pleased, but Patrick Russell has (had) a winning way about him.

There is (was) a beautiful little girl, hardly more than a baby,

There is (was) a beautiful little girl, hardly more than a baby,

She is (was) his daughter. What kind of man have (had) I married?


She clawed and kicked him as (in) the darkness as suffocation was overwhelming her

Patricia
Comment Written by samandlancelot on 11-Apr-2021
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


Page: 1 Next Page



  Contact Us © 2014 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Statement