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AliSmith

A Delicate Balance by yvonne58
Chapter 31 of the book Solstice Point

Excellent
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Great action. The emotions roil and the pace is great. In many ways, I wanted more anger and accusations. The section felt short to me. I didn't really get to dive into it. What is there is fabulous. I just want more. Greedy,huh. The tension of them splitting sides adds to the angst of the chapter. I'm sure there are many more things that Lia could bring up.

Some things to consider:
and help you forget the rest - no subject

I repeated, rising to my feet - maybe a bit nit picky, but all she's done is take out her keys. She hasn't opened her door. How is she standing?
Comment Written by AliSmith on 06-Feb-2011

Dark Descent by yvonne58
Chapter 30 of the book Solstice Point

Excellent
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I seem to keep missing your posts. This was a very intriguing chapter. Makes one wonder who Ari really is. I enjoyed what could be double meanings with meeting your other half. Great job of describing things from a guys point of view, especially a teenage male.

A few things to consider:
Two, perhaps five minutes had passed - add a comma after 5 to separate the aside

bunnies in the corner, to drips of uneven paint - not sure the comma is necessary

a hospital--from what I could tell - think these two are connected and shouldn't be separates with a dash (or comma)

a spark of memory containing my name, a vague image of three black dogs - since it's a compound subject, I would use and instead of the comma

then spun quickly around - no subject

Nice job with the magic associated with the door. It was good.
Comment Written by AliSmith on 02-Feb-2011

New Passengers by marym224
Chapter 1 of the book Elizabeth's New Life.

Good
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An interesting chapter. I so feel for the sailors. Not a pleasant experience. I do wonder why you started a new story when the last one hadn't resolved. This just feels like the continuation of the previous story.

Some things to consider:
Thoughts of the woman convict, Elizabeth Powley inexorably - add a comma after Powley to completely set off the aside as it can't be an introductory phrase as you have it now.

He was unaware that the woman had been transferred to The Charlotte pregnant - this sentence feels awkward here

The ship's surgeon, Thomas Arndell stepped -If something or someone is sufficiently identified, the description following it is considered nonessential and should be surrounded by commas.

and plan to herd the sheep and cows down there - no subject

then said - no subject

and leave it in your hands to dispose of the carcasses - no subject

That too, objected loudly - add a comma after that to separate the word too completely

corpses into the sea, be leaned against the ladder below - comma not needed

and became lodged in the hatchway - no subject

it too, managed to flatten - once again, too, should be set off with commas. You might want to use the word also instead to relieve a long string of commas

Comment Written by AliSmith on 02-Feb-2011

In The Beginning... by marym224
Prologue of the book Elizabeth's New Life.

Excellent
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Nice job. It seems like a good summary for when you submit the story, although you left it hanging at the end, something I'm told you shouldn't do. I didn't think you had finished with the 4 Elizabeths.

A few things to consider:
homely Welsh woman, named Mary - don't need the comma

This was done, in order to make room for various animals the Commodore took on board, in order to create livestock for the farms intended, once the Fleet reached its destination of Botany Bay - rework this sentence to reduce redundancy

Comment Written by AliSmith on 02-Feb-2011

On the Run by dmjones
Chapter 4 of the book Hide In Plain Sight

Excellent
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It intrigued me enough to continue reading. I appreciated the dialogue with the bum. It was enough to confirm that the person was Spade, who I thought it might be. I still think you are the master at concealed revealment, a true oxymoron.

Somethings to consider: (and they really are minor)
She spun left, ran between - verb problem. There are only 2 verbs in this sentence (spun and ran) and they are separated by a comma. You need a conecting word (and) or else make one into a gerund phrase of something.

She had to have outrun the cop - maybe 'she must have outrun the cop by now ...'

holding her breath, a defensive move against - I'd use the word 'in' instead of the comma for continuity

crawl under--it was that or a slower climb, and she - mismatched punctuation--a comma and a dash

Comment Written by AliSmith on 02-Feb-2011

Hell's Island Chapter 5 Part 2 by fictionwriter
Chapter 10 of the book The Keeper

Excellent
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Another excellent chapter. You do a great job of describing the forest and pricking questions in my mind. Great job there. Also, loved the reality versus imagination with her uncle's 'mansion'.

A few things to consider:
with one hand, and the back with the other - don't need that comma unless you really want the reader to pause there

Anyone wandering inland, or out after dark will be killed- either add a comma after dark to set off the aside or else remove the comma after island. It's just breaking up the sentence

Comment Written by AliSmith on 02-Feb-2011

Nothing to fear except... by OldVet

Excellent
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You have such wonderful points. I especially liked murder by fork or spoon. Ouch. wouldn't want to be on that receiving end. Excellent points. While I don't own a firearm, my sons and daughter have learned to shoot. You didn't mention to worse extreme - when the law abiding citizens don't have guns and all the criminals do. Scary thought there.

Only one thing to consider:
same timeframe dwarfs the number of firearm victims - time frame

Excellent writing. Rant on.
Comment Written by AliSmith on 27-Jan-2011

Hell's Island Chapter 5 Part 1 by fictionwriter
Chapter 9 of the book The Keeper

Excellent
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Nice job. You choice of wording in describing the setting is very picturesque. The beach comes to life as does the dolphins. One would get the feeling Viola has a way with animals for the number who are attracted to her. I don't have that kind of luck, but my daughter does.

A few things to consider:
Behind the sand, rolling hills of green covered the length of beach - covered doesn't feel like the right verb. Maybe mimiced the length or extended from

then sank below the surface - no subject

and scratched it - no subject

shaking her head at the captain and sopping wet man - odd movement for being sorry

but didn't say a word- no subject

and reminded Viola of why she loved horses- no subject with the comma before it

Overall, a nice job.
Comment Written by AliSmith on 27-Jan-2011

Aftermath Chapter 4 Part 2 by fictionwriter
Chapter 8 of the book The Keeper

Excellent
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Nice to see another chapter. Well written and interesting. There were still a few rough places:
She gasped, and fought to expand her lungs - no subject for fought

the metal pan clutched in one hand, and the other clasping the side of the bunk.- no reason for comma

the drastic movement eased the ship's smooth motion returned - eased and the ship's

watching the men work, and staring at the island - comma not needed

two of them climbed down, until at last they reached - don't need a comma before until

However, those are minor compared to the wonderful writing. Good job.
Comment Written by AliSmith on 23-Jan-2011

Aftermath Chapter 4 Part 1 by fictionwriter
Chapter 7 of the book The Keeper

Excellent
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Nice job. I did wonder how the captain balanced the spoon of medicine, the uncorked bottle of medicine and lifted her head with only 2 hands. Maybe he should cork the bottle and set it down before he lifts her up.

A few things to consider:
Sweat accumulated on her fingers and she ran - add a comma after fingers to separate 2 sentences connected with a conjunction (and)

The thought of men looking at her as she slept, left her uneasy - comma separates subject and verb (the thought left)

laces of the bodice tight, and tied them - the comma leaves tied without a subject

She threw back the coverings, now several more layers thick and slowly sat up- add a comma after thick to completely set off the aside
Comment Written by AliSmith on 18-Jan-2011


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