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skatermom - Robbi

How Many More? by easyeverett

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Hi Easy,

Don't know if you remember me, but it's been over a year since I have been on this site due to other writing commitments. Really glad to see a familiar name, especially one that means talent. As expected, this work did not disappoint. Your voice is clear and your words resound with force of message. Technical aspects aside, executed effortlessly, this poem evoked stern images and a deeper emotional response from this reader. As a mother to a 16-year-old son who is in ROTC, I only pray that this war is finished before he could get called upon. The stanzas built well to drive your message home.

Robbi-Lee
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 07-Apr-2008

I Pay to Know this Plight by Curt Mongold

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I am happily surprised to be able to really connect to the first poem I have reviewed on this site in over a year. Although off for professional reasons, I want to wean myself back on, and this title jumped out at me. As a person who has been dependent upon pain pills for many years, off and on for medical reasons, you captured the essence of this topic quite realistic for one who professes to have only talked to addicts.
As to the technical aspects utilized, this flowed well, and although simplistic in form, the words chosen strongly projected your intent.
I do have one small suggestion however. Just as in any other genre, usual punctuation rules usually apply, unless the reason to not follow them is quite clear. Your use of the comma after every line becomes a distraction and isn't really necessary, unless needed grammatically to make sense. If a line ends grammatically, the end-stop should be used.
Overall, this was a bold and well-worded work.

Robbi-Lee
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 06-Apr-2008

Moving On by Mastery
Chapter 20 of the book Shadow Stalker

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Hi Bob. I never come on anymore really, but still a member. First time in 4 years I don't have a ranking in anything., mostly due to work constraints. But thought I wanted to read some stories, and since you are my favorite writer, looked to see what you posted last. This chapter, althought just started with this one, was able to keep me interested. Very smooth dialogue as usual; natural vibe kept throughout. Now I hope I can keep up with following chapters. Great work as come to expect.

:-) Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 16-Feb-2007

In and Out by Diny
Chapter 13 of the book Diana's Song

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Hi Diny, I normally don't like this format, but actually enjoyed this poem, or advice, very much. It is simple, clean, to the point without being preachy. :-)
My husband is leaving this very day to his new job in the U.K., and I can't go until June after our son graduates from middle school. Reality has set in as to how long the upcoming 6 months without him will be, and I needed something uplifting to read. Thank you, and have a great New Year. :-)
Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 30-Dec-2006

The Algebra Tutor by Buckshot99

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Hi Paul, i was looking for something funny, and immediately went to your portfolio. I have been reading many of the stories I missed, but run out of time to review. I had to make time for this one. I sincerely hope you are putting some sort of book together of these kind of stories, somewhat like a "Wonder Years" type. This was so enjoyable to read, both based on content and style and skill.
Loved it. :-) Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 30-Dec-2006

Nuttin' for Christmas by Buckshot99

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Great story as per-norm Paul. Could picture every scene as it unfolded. You like squirrels I gather since I believe they have now have been interwoven into a couple of your yarns. You always have great play of words in your works, which I love the double meanings to be picked up upon. Wonderful story for the holidays. ;-)
Merry X-mas & a great New year right back to you, Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 26-Dec-2006

Forgiveness by Hetty

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Hi Het, just discovered this. I did go through on my own and wrote out the internal rhymes, ect., much to my surprise, I found that your reply to Nannette is what I had written when "dissecting" this down. :-) The ones you had, most would be perfect rhymes with the exception of a couple, i. e. Near rhyme – "absolution-retribution. " I looked this pairing up, and although you would think they would be considered perfect rhymes, neither on has either listed as a perfect rhyme. They look perfect to me too.

I know you love to stray from being conventional, and I know 4 lines per-stanza does qualify as an quatrain, but according to "our" bible, Bob has this definition:

QUATRAIN
" poem, unit, or stanza of four lines of verse, usually with a rhyme scheme of abab or its variant, xbyb. It is the most common stanzaic form.

Sidelight: The popular quatrain abab rhyme scheme, as in Wordsworth's "She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways," is sometimes referred to as alternate rhyme or cross rhyme. Its variant, xbyb, is found in folk ballads. For In Memoriam, Tennyson used an abba scheme, often called envelope rhyme. Two other rhyming possibilities are aabb, which can produce an antithetical effect, and monorhymed or near-monorhymed quatrains, of which the aaxa of Fitzgerald's The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám, is an example. Sometimes two or more quatrains are interlocked by a chain rhyme, as in the aaba, bbcb, ccdc, dddd of Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening."
Sidelight: A curtal quatrain is a quatrain in which the fourth line is shortened."

So I am curious to why you opted to not have any consistent
end-rhyme scheme in any form in addition to the internal rhyme and just occassional end-rhyme thrown in alternate stanzas at times as in lines 2 & 4 in stanza 5?

Secondly, also curious to why your syllable count is so varied, some lines as low as a 7 count, stanza 5 in line 4, to as high as an 11 syllable count as in stanza 3, line 2? Most quatrains have fixed syllable counts used throughout as you know, and I know your poetic skill would have allowed your meter to still be there with the consistent syllable count, with 8 or 10 being the norm and standard used tradtionally?

Next in stanza 1, your first 2 lines are considered fragments, which can be easily grammatically corrected by simply making line 1 flow as one sentence into line 2, with a comma at the end of line 2 -
all flowing as one complete thought throughout the four lines:
Your stanza:
"There, by the door, the present lay.
Cellophane-wrapped, in gay abandon.
A fillip, a gift, a sweetheart delight
to claim the right of absolution."
Correction:
"There, by the door, the present lay
cellophane-wrapped, in gay abandon,
a fillip, a gift, a sweetheart delight
to claim the right of absolution."

Stanza 3, line 3, the use of the semi-colon is misplaced. A comma is the puncuation needed.
AS stands:
"I wanted to crush its empty joy,
forever destroy the motive behind it.
As if such action would bring relief;
erase the grief and misery."
Correction:
"I wanted to crush its empty joy,
forever destroy the motive behind it.
As if such action would bring relief,
erase the grief and misery."

I wasn't trying to be picky, but knowing your knowledge, respecting the poetic devices used, I thought the punctuation and sentence structure flaws
needed to be addressed, as well as syllable & rhyming standards recommended and traditionally used in quatrain fixed forms in a poem, despite the overall creative
use of your skill and imagery created through your verse.

The emotions displayed, images created, poetic internal rhyme, imaginative and unique wording bring depth to his post. I hope that my comments may aid in a bit of minor adjustments only meant to enlighten and not to take anything away.
These are the type of things that may go unnoticed here on FS, but knowing you wish to summit to the publishing higher powers are the main reason I took the time
to review in such depth on what would be considered a short work. I also only gave this a 4-star only, only because the professional submissions are so fierce that I opted to review through that kind of process rather than what anyone else did here. Obviously on FS, it would be a five, but I am trying to enforce upon those, like yourself, a higher bar to overcome. In addition, I really did love this post Het. ;-)
Your best friend, Rob~













Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 10-Dec-2006

First Love by Mzhurst

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Great job on this M. Isn't it sad that you have to put things like that in your author note just so you hopefully won't get someone who ranks you lower because they think it's too short. :-) Just like on my poem I posted a week ago, "caps intended," in case someone picks on that. :-) I kinda kew where this one was headed because your Grandpa reminded me of my Dad. Perfect flash.
Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 01-Dec-2006

All dressed up and no where to go by AuthorRDK

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Unbelievably depressing, yet told in such a way that had me anticipating each line. I would not even know how to relate, coming from a "Leave it to Beaver" type of home and childhood. I certainly know that there were not the laws back then to protect children, but it is eye-opening to actually read a firsthand account of this man-child's personal experience. Last line breaks the heart. The fact that you asked for cigarettes as a parting token at such a young age was a visual that spoke volumes of what your existence was like.
Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 29-Nov-2006

Fear of Falling by Hetty
Prologue of the book Phobias

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I think Het that the best way to describe this work is to say, reads like free verse, feels like traditional to a knowledable poet who can pick up the cadence and well-placed rhyme. This is clean and uncluttered, yet full of imagery. I think you have it nailed. :-)
your very tired pal, Rob~
Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 14-Oct-2006


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