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Forgiveness
by Hetty
Hi Het, just discovered this. I did go through on my own and wrote out the internal rhymes, ect., much to my surprise, I found that your reply to Nannette is what I had written when "dissecting" this down. :-) The ones you had, most would be perfect rhymes with the exception of a couple, i. e. Near rhyme – "absolution-retribution. " I looked this pairing up, and although you would think they would be considered perfect rhymes, neither on has either listed as a perfect rhyme. They look perfect to me too.
I know you love to stray from being conventional, and I know 4 lines per-stanza does qualify as an quatrain, but according to "our" bible, Bob has this definition:
QUATRAIN
" poem, unit, or stanza of four lines of verse, usually with a rhyme scheme of abab or its variant, xbyb. It is the most common stanzaic form.
Sidelight: The popular quatrain abab rhyme scheme, as in Wordsworth's "She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways," is sometimes referred to as alternate rhyme or cross rhyme. Its variant, xbyb, is found in folk ballads. For In Memoriam, Tennyson used an abba scheme, often called envelope rhyme. Two other rhyming possibilities are aabb, which can produce an antithetical effect, and monorhymed or near-monorhymed quatrains, of which the aaxa of Fitzgerald's The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám, is an example. Sometimes two or more quatrains are interlocked by a chain rhyme, as in the aaba, bbcb, ccdc, dddd of Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening."
Sidelight: A curtal quatrain is a quatrain in which the fourth line is shortened."
So I am curious to why you opted to not have any consistent
end-rhyme scheme in any form in addition to the internal rhyme and just occassional end-rhyme thrown in alternate stanzas at times as in lines 2 & 4 in stanza 5?
Secondly, also curious to why your syllable count is so varied, some lines as low as a 7 count, stanza 5 in line 4, to as high as an 11 syllable count as in stanza 3, line 2? Most quatrains have fixed syllable counts used throughout as you know, and I know your poetic skill would have allowed your meter to still be there with the consistent syllable count, with 8 or 10 being the norm and standard used tradtionally?
Next in stanza 1, your first 2 lines are considered fragments, which can be easily grammatically corrected by simply making line 1 flow as one sentence into line 2, with a comma at the end of line 2 -
all flowing as one complete thought throughout the four lines:
Your stanza:
"There, by the door, the present lay.
Cellophane-wrapped, in gay abandon.
A fillip, a gift, a sweetheart delight
to claim the right of absolution."
Correction:
"There, by the door, the present lay
cellophane-wrapped, in gay abandon,
a fillip, a gift, a sweetheart delight
to claim the right of absolution."
Stanza 3, line 3, the use of the semi-colon is misplaced. A comma is the puncuation needed.
AS stands:
"I wanted to crush its empty joy,
forever destroy the motive behind it.
As if such action would bring relief;
erase the grief and misery."
Correction:
"I wanted to crush its empty joy,
forever destroy the motive behind it.
As if such action would bring relief,
erase the grief and misery."
I wasn't trying to be picky, but knowing your knowledge, respecting the poetic devices used, I thought the punctuation and sentence structure flaws
needed to be addressed, as well as syllable & rhyming standards recommended and traditionally used in quatrain fixed forms in a poem, despite the overall creative
use of your skill and imagery created through your verse.
The emotions displayed, images created, poetic internal rhyme, imaginative and unique wording bring depth to his post. I hope that my comments may aid in a bit of minor adjustments only meant to enlighten and not to take anything away.
These are the type of things that may go unnoticed here on FS, but knowing you wish to summit to the publishing higher powers are the main reason I took the time
to review in such depth on what would be considered a short work. I also only gave this a 4-star only, only because the professional submissions are so fierce that I opted to review through that kind of process rather than what anyone else did here. Obviously on FS, it would be a five, but I am trying to enforce upon those, like yourself, a higher bar to overcome. In addition, I really did love this post Het. ;-)
Your best friend, Rob~
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Comment Written by skatermom - Robbi on 10-Dec-2006
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reply by the author on 14-Dec-2006
Hi Rob,
Thank you for your very thorough review and sincere effort to help me tighten and tweak the poem to perfection. As I explained to you, this was not really supposed to be a quatrain structure, but quatrain layout instead and more attention was paid to the music of the line than to any particular set formula. I am giving you a vote of confidence in the reviewing. More writers on here need this type of time and attention paid to their work. Thanks love, Hetty
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