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kiwisteveh

Red-billed Firefinch by Dolly'sPoems

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I was going to make a comment about 'dolly bird', but thought I'd better not after checking the definition!

This is a sweetly rhyming poem about the firefinch and its ways. We do have a number of different finches here in NZ, but not that one.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Jul-2020

A Gathering of Roses by Mrs. KT

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

The beginning of your poem leads the reader down the garden path a little. The sumptuous description of summer flowers suggest that the poem will be just that. But no, you earned that sixth star by the way you teased so much extra meaning out of summer's floral beauty.

I also thought this was going to be about a partner, but the reference to childhood makes it more likely that your mother is the subject. In any case, the extended comparison of the roses with their beauty and fragrance, but also 'sticking bristles', to this person who both criticised and gives substance to the heart of your poem.

I will be very surprised if this lovely piece does not at least make it to the podium! Good luck.

Steve

PS It's a little hard to imagine anything more different from my gloomy entry!

Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Jul-2020

Origins by tempeste

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I suspect that when our ancestors lived in trees, they didn't shape them like this - and I also have my doubts about cosiness!

However, I liked your wee poem and also the attention-grabbing photo. There is certainly something attractive about trees, especially large ones.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Jul-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Tree Of The Forbidden Fruits by Manh C Dang

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Ha! I saw a comment somewhere today that compared Eve's desire to have the one forbidden fruit in the garden to the desire of Americans to have the 'freedom' of not wearing masks - the one thing that may keep them safe.

I'm guessing 'shade' in line 2 is for half-rhyme or assonance purposes, but 'ate fruit from its shade' doesn't sound right to me. 'in its shade' perhaps?

You certainly picked a tree replete with meaning for Christians.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 01-Jul-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Dads by rosehill (Wendy)

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Good strong message for Fathers' Day (which we don't celebrate until September BTW) - the key is summed up in these lines:
A "Dad"
claims the child,
of his seed or not,
happily, willingly, reverently.

It is tempting to think that many problems in our society stem from 'broken' families where 'Dad' is not present.

Hope all is well with you.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 23-Jun-2020

Ramblin' Jack's Band-Part 1 of 3 by humpwhistle

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I'm trying to work out if the 'Do not overheat' warning means the reader should not get overheated, or one should not overheat hippies in general s which may cause an explosion since they are free 'spirits'. If you meant both, congratulations.

populous --> populace

Anyway, this is entertaining stuff and as usual this reader will be hanging out to see just where this is going - perhaps a grandly successful gig - or maybe just another Broken Promise!

You skate over the sex part without the likelihood of getting anybody overheated. In fact Ramblin' Jack seems positively against getting overheated.

The visual suggestions alone are worth the price of admission.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 22-Jun-2020

Adrift by phill doran

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Hi, Phill.

Interesting concept. I guess, in theory, the conflict between the appearance of rhyme and the actual sound produces a jarring dissonance. Of course this needs to be matched to the actual content of the poem - this wouldn't work if the intention was happy-happy, joy-joy (a la Ren and Stimpy)

This is what you have achieved here - a rather dark portrayal of night and a floundering vessel (society?) struggling towards safe harbour. Interestingly, you have the vessel finding harbour in the final words, but there is no sense of relief here - the sun is still weeping like a wound and bleeding light - and of course the discordant rhyme is still present. I imagine most writers would have opted for the more obvious happy ending.

I liked the metal metaphor early in the piece which transitions to the maritime one later, pivoting on ballast.

Successful experiment, I would say.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 20-Jun-2020

Baitin' the Boy by humpwhistle

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Hah! LTY's been missing in action for a while - and missed!

I grew up with multiple siblings, so I guess I knew instinctively that insults, rough-housing and arguments were a way of showing affection. It's taken a long time to convince Anne of that - she was an only child, at least until her teens when she picked up a couple of steps.

I appreciate here that you have delved a little deeper than usual into the two-way nature of this ritual between LTY and his Dad. Larry might be a little slow on the basics of fishing fashion, but he's smart enough to understand and appreciate the banter and even to produce both Mom and Dad in mimicry.

Great stuff!

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 14-Jun-2020

Vegas by Wils

Excellent
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A fun senryu-style poem about the perils of Vegas - in this case the bad choice to get drunk and then get married while in that state. Leading to zero elation and probably quick separation.

Good luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 11-Jun-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Why so mean by oNray

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I really liked the ending here, especially since you had me fooled into thinking you were talking to a lover...

However, there are a couple of things that you could fix ...

Firstly you have one stanza that is shorter than all the rest. Not a big deal perhaps, but it just breaks the pattern you establish.

You also have 'now days' where I expect you mean 'nowadays'.

Good luck in the contest.

Steve
Comment Written by kiwisteveh on 11-Jun-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


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