Wow, thats seems very much fast paced. Ok, you want to invite your readers into understand your work. Describe the scenery, the smells, the tension, the more detail you use, the more you will have your readers glued.
Try to hold back on dialogue, let dialogue support your story, not become your story, unless you are writing a script.
I can see a strong basis for a novel here, read it over, and make notes on how you think your story can be expanded to better detail, heres an example; -
I've taken a short segmant from your story being;
"That memory will haunt me forever. After I tried my hardest to change things for her, she still killed herself five months later. Now, almost a year later, I still miss her, and hope she will forgive me someday".
I can expand this to;
"That memory now haunts me forever, every night I keep reliving that moment over and over in my nightmares, only for me to wake in a fit of sweat, calling out her name. I tried so hard to improve things for her, and it destroyed my heart, just a little more each day. The confrontations were difficult, and the lies I had to tell, fooling myself that things were working out. Tonya slowly became more withdrawn, and would ignore my company. This went on during those five long months, upto the morning she took her own life, a few days later a letter fell from the letter box in Tonya's hand wrighting. It just read 'I'm sorrry'. Now, almost a year later, I think of her each day, and keep playing those moments over and over again in mind. I still miss her, and often visit the cemetary".
That was an example of your story which I expanded on, it's a tough job writing, yet the deeper you get into it, the more your characters seem real.
I hope this review helped and gave you some useful feedback.
Comment Written by themanicdude on 05-Mar-2012