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razorneck

Chapter Eight by Starlight's Edge
Chapter 8 of the book Beckoning Book 1

Needs Improvement
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

It's a good story with strong imagery, but the sentence structure needs a great deal of work still.

eg. "Aye, she was as much arrogant and mean as beautiful, and although my gaze had slipped to her mouth casually, when it did, her lips held me like a prey."

could be changed to "She was an arrogant woman; just as mean as she was beautiful. My gaze landed on her sweet, succulent lips. Try as I might, I was unable to tare my eyes away. Temptress."

One thing I can suggest is to read your work out loud. Keep on practicing!
Comment Written by razorneck on 14-Oct-2014

National Poetry Day for the Mermaid by mermaids

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Iambic pentameter is a little off, which in turn is throwing off your flow a little bit. Not a deal breaker or anything though. Try reading your poem out loud to yourself or a friend to get an idea of how it's flowing off the page.

Fun story and imagery though. I especially like the sharks eating their boots :-)
Comment Written by razorneck on 14-Oct-2014

Lucky Lu for Judge! by judiverse

Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

There are some flow and compunction issues here. Some of the sentences should be using commas as opposed to periods.

The best way to check your conversation flow is to read the work out loud. You'll quickly hear where adjustments need to be made.

Comment Written by razorneck on 14-Oct-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Never Again by gypsycaravan

Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I think we've all been in this guy's shoes.

A couple things just for flow:

Change the 'why' to 'what' in the fourth line.
Change the 'Told you what?' to 'How so?' in the sixth line.

Little strange to say if she HEARD (ears) from him again, she would rip his EYES out.

Nice job otherwise.
Comment Written by razorneck on 03-Oct-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


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