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shortwerks

Longing by padumachitta

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I like knowing about this new form of the Lune. People seem to be making up poetic forms every day.

As for your poem, I really love it. I understand the longing for exactly what you have described.

Perfectly communicated and lovely photo to go with it.

Thanks very much for sharing.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 09-Feb-2014

Was it Just a Dream? by MoonWillow

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I love flying dreams. We all have them at some point and it's fascinating to discuss the differences between them. I enjoy hearing about the type you seem to be addressing with this poem - the sense of freedom and feelings of uplift.

My only confusion re the poem is when you say "on mighty wings I streak". I don't quite understand this. Are you flying with your own wings or are you flying atop the wings of an eagle? Perhaps it's just your chosen poetic language that confused the meaning for me.

Also, the lines about your nerves and muscles took me out of the otherwise majestic tone you have so beautifully set up.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I really am going to try to go for a flight tonight. Thanks for the inspiration.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 09-Feb-2014

To my babies, on their birthdays. by Jessica Bell

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What a wonderful piece for your children and you and your husband, too. Make many copies. Frame several.

This is so sweet and your lovely writing style brought me right along with you.

Thanks so much for sharing this personal, uplifting story with all of us. We are blessed who read it.

One little typo thing - from the next to last line in the piece, it reads, "six years years ago, that you took your first breaths." I feel sure you meant only one "years" to be in that sentence.

Thank you again and blessings.

Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

One Thousand Words by visionary1234

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This would easily have been a five star story for me if you had not begun and ended with the FanStory referencing. You really don't need that and it does nothing to advance or enhance the story.

I loved the characters and their situation, their dialoge, both internal and external. It's a really good story.

Get rid of those references, make it clearer who Tom is and when you are actually speaking to him at the start and this will be a real contender.

Thanks for sharing. Peace,
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

Writer Whittles Words by sweetwoodjax

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I agree with your thesis. At least, it often works that way for me. Sometimes, the form frees me through restriction to say what is really important, but I am speaking almost exclusively of haiku, tanka, and sonnet.

In fact, that's why I love haiku editors who tell you not to count syllables. It doesn't truly reflect the form as originally written and is often certain death to any poem forced into it. Yet, there are some poets who thrive with it.

I've said too much. Congratulations on your poem and your stance. Many of us are right behind you. Peace.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

The New World by Pili Pubul

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Very important subject matter. Well chosen.

You met the requirements of the form perfectly.

I did wonder if it might be good to play with your last line a bit (I have no doubt you did plenty of this before submitting). However, I hope you won't mind if I say that my thoughts want to finish on this theme by saying something about how neither the land nor the true owners ever had a chance. Somehow that resonates with me even more deeply than the very strong - and quite right - image you give us in your last line.

Thanks again for posting and for the wake-up to remember what must never be forgotten or downplayed.

Peace.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

Boulevard of Dreams by Joan E.

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This is very nice, especially impressed that you got it into the shape of a goblet.

I had one brief but wonderful visit to Santa Monica and you really bring it back for me with your lovely poem.

I love the line, "an eclectic boulevard", and admire all the alliteration and assonance you carry so subtly throughout the entire piece.

Poetry well written that is delightful to read and teaches me something. Well done.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

Destined For Greatness by American Patriot

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I feel like I am missing something important here. Maybe a reference I don't have would make it all clear.

I do like the use of sounds in this 5-7-5. Maybe someday, you will play with extending it into tanka form and give us more of the story/scene. I'd be surprised if you didn't have more to tell.

Thanks for posting. Peace.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

Unravelled by kiwisteveh

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As always, I really enjoy your work.

This is a great subject for the ABCD poem.

May I make a couple of small suggestions?

I believe the word is spelled "till", not "til", though I realize it may be different in different countries. I'm in America, so I've been whipped into shape re the spelling of "till".

I want to suggest that you might be able to come up with something more specific in your last line, the final part of it. Does that make sense? Unless, of course, you meant to say "As Time the...".

Also, must tell you how much I love your line, "Snatch at the Roses that die as they fall,". Very nice.

Thanks for sharing. It's always a pleasure to read you work. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014

Abiding Light by beautyseeker

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Nice job with the form.

I love the line "Under mounds of loose slipping stone". This conjures for me the idea of our brain power and/or memories constantly slipping away like the mind was once a great fortress that is bound to fall apart under stress.

Thanks for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written by shortwerks on 08-Feb-2014


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