|
@ Last
by kissesafterdark
I love the 'love' that is reflected in this poem. The writer's feelings are clear in its message. However, this does need some refining.
First, this needs to be broken into 'stanza's'. The way
it is presented, it's format, makes the poem hard to stay
focused, and throws off any 'flow'.
Second, there needs to be more punctuation, especially
some periods. Without any punctuation, it makes the poem
'ramble', and this doesn't give it the justice it deserves.
Put the dedication, in the 'advanced editor' section.
Here is just an example of how it could read better. I've changed some wording, added/deleted. It's still all your work and choice; I only try to suggest, and help. I would omit the explanation of dejavu, and the end part could also be eliminated, or possibly, put in the 'authors notes' section. Also, using text language, like 'u' instead of 'you', does not work well in poetry. It's better to spell out the words. If you decide to change anything, let me know. I would be happy to re-review and change my rating. You have a good talent! Keep writing!! I applaud you taking the 'step out'. I'm also glad that you have found such a wonderful man! Blessings : )
"Have u ever meet someone and instantly had DeJa Vu?
I'll have and you know how the saying goes...
I've meet the man of my dreams,
He remained faceless for some time;
Then came the day that I was blessed,
His eyes were so sublime.
It was incredible, you see,
How he walked out of my dreams...
And right into our lives,
I'm honored to be his queen.
To spend the rest of my life in love,
Unconditionally, you see...
The kind of love we share,
Did not come so easily.
We weathered out the storms,
And we danced out in the rain...
We held on tight thru the heartache's,
And through all of our life's pain...
Only thru God's Grace,
Did we make all our amends...
Were we able to be sustained,
And remain the best of friends."
|
|
Comment Written by n.rosej. on 09-Nov-2013
|
|
|
|
|
Up For ReviewStand Out WritingAdditional Reading
