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gene roush

Ode to a ...Bush by djeckert

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I won't take the time to check out the sites you've given.
But this man, this family need to suffer some time in what fires await them.
A lot of innocent people have spent lifetimes behind bars because H's actions.
He, and the sinister puppet masters of his son's presidency were the same men that were behind the curtain of the Reagan years.
Thanks for sharing
Gene

Comment Written by gene roush on 05-Dec-2018

The Rise of Trump by Wabigoon

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Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Fascinating stuff.
I have a couple very good friends who are Masons, and have spent years resisting their invitation to join. (Too many years as a Catholic)
There are a couple literary things for you look at.

The door into Lydia ('s), my wife('s )closet,

"The only difference, anomaly is the room is bigger, both wider and considerably longer and completely bare.", feels awkward to me. Perhaps, "The only difference is the room is wider, considerably longer, and completely bare." would work better.
There are as many ways to view things as there are people.Thanks for sharing your view.
Gene


Comment Written by gene roush on 04-Dec-2018

29--Clues? by robyn corum
Chapter 29 of the book Kate

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This has nice tension.
The dialogue flows well.
There are a couple things for you to consider.
While Ma and Pa Bender offered only blank stares, Junior raised his brows and queried, "And who are you?"
"queried" seems unnecessary

I think might: "Within fifteen minutes, the three men were headed west, and in only a little while they reached the creek Junior had spoken about." be changed to: "The three men reached creek quickly."
Unless the timing will be an important twist.

You end this with a nice hook.
It's always a pleasure.
Gene
Comment Written by gene roush on 04-Dec-2018

Immortality Sucks by Jocelyn M. Campbell :)
Chapter 15 of the book The Girl With Many Faces - Part I

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You're a good story teller with a vivid imagination.
You have that in common with people like Stephen King.
There's one repetitive aspect of your writing that I think can use some work.
You need to have faith in your imagery.
An example is: "It burned, stung, and hurt really badly,"
"hurt really badly," is unnecessary.
I think that you can be a great writer if you begin by eliminating the unnecessary.
This was a fun post.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written by gene roush on 04-Dec-2018

One of the Boys by Mistydawn
Chapter 15 of the book Death by Delivery

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This is an interesting post.
You do a nice job of creating and holding tension.
I found a spag:"He likes you, Nick(,) claims that it's too quiet without you."
Also, it seems to me that you begin too many sentences with nouns and pronouns. It feels like reporting, and makes me a distant observer.
An example is, "He's already two hours in and is no closer than when he started." Maybe if were changed to, "Two hours in, he was no closer to finishing." things would a little better.
Good job with the dialogue.
Thanks for sharing,
Gene

Comment Written by gene roush on 04-Dec-2018

Jason Lamar Kane's Private Orbit by Jay Squires

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Nice job.
The intro flows well into the tension.
The use of the recording was a good idea. Catherine's voice seems a bit stuffy at the end. She goes from exclaiming "Shit!" to "You must do nothing to Jason"
Thanks for sharing. It's always a pleasure.
Gene
I've been out your way a couple times recently, reliving memories and hanging with grandsons.

Comment Written by gene roush on 23-Nov-2018

The Truce by Dawson Avery

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I didn't see until the end that this was a dialogue only you carried it well.
The transitions from part to part were a little abrupt, but it was a tough assignment.
There were a few errors in part one that you corrected later:

This world, our world. (, any)Any world,

All I can say (is) , this shit better be random like most people believe these days.

. I hate to think of what kind of cruel being would make all this (,) and make us (,) just to watch us squirm and suffer and die.


John. (, please)Please, don't ruin this opportunity for us to be together and talk

All in all, it was well done with nice tension and good character development.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Gene
Comment Written by gene roush on 20-Nov-2018

Brianna Meets Malcolm Again by TheNecklace
Chapter 39 of the book The Harpist

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This is good.
To me the opening feels like you're warming up. I almost skipped reading this.The sentence structure there is rambling and redundant.
But this all shifts ears when you get to the real action.
There you create great tension with narrative and dialogue.
It's easy to fall into the trap of being too artistic, and forget about telling the story.
Keep sharing your skill.
Gene
Comment Written by gene roush on 20-Nov-2018

Waldeck's Dirty Trick by heart of Lou
Chapter 22 of the book Sword of the Prophet

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This has nice tension that you carry well throughout the post.
Your dialogue feels real and does a nice job of defining characters.
There are a few things to look at:

"Munster was located in the middle of a plain,( )like the hub of a wheel, with the roads leading out of it like the spokes of the wheel."
This might read better as;
"Located in the middle of a plain, Munster was a hub of radiating roads and commerce."
I think advanced editor messed with you:
and he comes from one of the oldest families in M√?¬ľnster,(Munster)"

risking the lives of some of M√?¬ľnster's (Munster's) top citizens.

This concludes with a nice hook that will bring readers back.
Nice job!
Thanks for sharing
Gene

Comment Written by gene roush on 20-Nov-2018

War Rages by scongrove
Chapter 30 of the book Sins of Chaos

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You've created an amazing world.
This scene has great tension that you carry throughout.
There are some things that you might want to look at.

The other(s) shared a similar feeling of unease

From a short distance away. (Define the distance, short is too ambiguous)

The fire fight came out of nowhere (tell me where)

Art is subjective, and my view is personal. I hope it helps.
This concludes with a nice hook, that will bring readers back.
Thanks for sharing your talent.
Gene
Comment Written by gene roush on 19-Nov-2018


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