Footsteps on the Path
by Jerry Rauhuff
First off, I just want to let you know that I am here to help you by objectively reading your work, and expressing my thoughts and suggestions. They are in no way to harm you personally, in fact, they are to help you grow. The truth is everyone has opinions, and opinions can be wrong, or they can be exactly right. You know in your heart, your story, better than I ever will. Here are some things I feel you can improve upon, and things I enjoyed.
A great scene
"What the hell are you two doing out here?" the officer belted out while stepping from the car.
"Someone's chasing us," Lori cried and she pointed toward the path.
Frightened, the officer pulled his revolver and flashlight. "Get behind me," he said stepping toward the path.
"Don't go in there," Alex whispered. "There were gunshots earlier." -
Scenes like this work well. You painted a believable picture and i could visualize everything you said.
They knew it was a man. They knew he wasn't friendly. They knew the only thing to do was run, though their feet wouldn't let them. Their fear subsided just enough as the rustling continued and now they knew it was footsteps and they were coming closer, very quickly. -
I liked this part, but I think it would have been better to hear their internal thoughts of why they knew it wasn't a man, and how they knew the footsteps were getting closer. Just a suggestion though :)!
It seemed to be their lucky day for as they stepped onto the road,-
I would cut this part and just explain the headlights were approaching them. It's like the narrator is getting too far into the story, let the characters work the story like you do earlier on.
blues lights flashed from its top and the footsteps disappeared - blue*
Two minors ran from old dirt path reporting the suspect was chasing them."
- from an* old dirt path. Or if you meant Dirt Path was the name of the road, then capitalize like you did for the other street names.
You had moments of a good tale, but when I got to the ending, some major questions came up.
Okay, so if someone has been killing for years out in the woods, wouldn't the characters know about this? Not to say they would avoid going out there, because people do stupid crap all the time. But they don't even mention it in the beginning. So when they heard the noise, they should assume its the crazy Ed Gein. This is the part where you need to go back to the beginning and change it up a tad. You could keep it the same, and make the main characters travelers. That would help with them not knowing about all of the murders in the woods. There is a bit too much telling instead of showing in this as well. It is hard as heck to balance, I struggle with it too, trust me!
Keep up the writing. Hopefully my review has made you think differently about things. Like I said at the beginning its only a review against your words, and not a personal attack against you at all. I love horror and suspense! Any person writing about it, I already like! :)! Keep it up!
Comment Written by GaryCecil on 10-Aug-2013
Read and reviewed with blinders on.