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elchupakabra

A Stately Lion by Pam (respa)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I thought this was a very well done piece, I think you did a great job with the rhyme scheme and with the strong imagery to match the strong animal of choice for the subject. Excellent work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 15-Sep-2020

Rhyme, Rhythm And Song by jaybird1

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

The words you heard played a large part
and were the things that grabbed your heart.

This line I feel needs some work, it's very basic and interrupts the flow of the rest of your piece

The lyrics you hear play a large part
At grabbing at your beating heart

Just an example. Good work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 15-Sep-2020

Truth and Lies by Debra Franze

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

too self-absorb(ed) to

I understand this is a free verse but the piece lacks a sense of flow and continuity, there are other typos here and there but there's also a lot of cliche imagery or imagery that simply doesn't make sense, example; Tick tock the clock or vomiting and choking on words.

Good work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 15-Sep-2020

And So She Wrote by Mrs. KT

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I really like the way that you have constructed this piece. Some people should keep their friendly advice for themselves I think. Great work on this piece, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 14-Sep-2020

My Love, the Deep by Eternal Muse

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I thought this was wonderfully done, the soothing tones of your sonnet are portrayed in everything, from the imagery of the lines, to the personifications of Neptune and The Deep, to the actual aesthetic. Great work, thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 14-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Midnight and Hunter by thaities, Rebecca V.
Chapter 22 of the book Nellie Jo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is really excellent work overall, this isn't the type of story I would normally find myself engrossed in but you've done an excellent job moving the story along at a good pace. Keep up the great work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020

Dating years 1951-1953 by kleck140
Chapter 10 of the book If You Only Knew

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I was so concerned at the beginning, it literally sounds like a clown car with 10 people piled in lol. (Bill and Laurie, Lona, Eddie, Jane, Dan, Gladys, Don, Lucy and Mary Helen rode in Dan's car.)

I wondered if the Blue Skirt Waltz you danced to for the first time was Frankie Yankovic's original version or perhaps Bobby Vinton's remastered version. I imagine it would be the latter, it was the more popularized version.

Curfew at 2am? HAHAHAHAHA - my parents would never.

I could keep going, I really love this piece, it's like a shot back in time and comparing to my childhood in the 90's is a trip. Keep up the excellent work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020

Barkeep Philosophy. by Mastery
Chapter 13 of the book The Deceivers

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Another excellent chapter, sorry I've been away for a minute, been dealing with a cold and haven't much felt up to computer screens besides forced work lol. Anyways, I digress, great work on this chapter, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020

Answered Prayer by AnnieDawn
Chapter 6 of the book Poems By AnnieDawn

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I really wanted to give this five stars but there are some crucial mistakes throughout the piece. First, I get that you're trying to hammer home that the little girl cannot move or speak or cry, but I got that by the end of the first paragraph, and we're three paragraphs in, more than halfway through the story, and you're still on about this, with grammatical errors to boot. Then we get to the climax of the story and it's

Maybe (Perhaps works better here) that was what she should try. Yes, she couldn't cry, she couldn't crawl(.) but she could whisper (pray instead of whisper gets your point across better). A simple (She prayed/whispered simply) "Jesus please take this pain out of my tummy" was her whispered prayer. (odd phrasing, remove as the effect is given with the open)

The pain was gone (dissipated elevates the phrasing over 'was gone') in a matter of seconds. It just melted away. Jesus does answer prayer(s)! She immediately got up (she should still sell that she was in excruciating pain like 2 seconds ago, maybe 'Slowly, but assuredly, she rose to her feet and ran inside to tell Mommy what had happened)

There were several other notes/rewrites I would make to elevate the piece but it is at it's core a good idea. Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

A Trip to Mars by Lisa Wharton

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I have several challenges with the piece but the idea is there. I thought the opening was a bit clunky, I think you could be more descriptive than 'the red planet' which seemed oddly literal as opposed to a reference because it was preceded by calling it Mars. I also found bits of the dialogue to be a touch overly enthusiastic, like a pushy shopkeeper as opposed to genuine excitement. Good work nonetheless, good luck in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


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