by K. Olsen
Chapter 1 of the book Within the Bone
I very much enjoyed reading this chapter. It read quickly, except for a few parts, where the verbiage confused me a little.
Here's one example:
1. "She was a fine huntress, but one didn't bring down such beasts without spears and a group of many."
Many what? Many spears? Oh! Many people!
I was able to figure it out from context, but it slowed my reading down quite a bit, and took me out of the story for while.
2. "...but there was only the feeling of its gaze, piercing and probably hungry. She wanted to sigh. It had already cost her the buck she'd been trailing for miles..."
I'm not sure how the feeling of its gaze can cost her the buck.
Certainly the buck's constant attention towards her is costing her the buck. But her feelings about the gaze... shouldn't affect her ability to track the buck. Or was her sigh costing her the buck? That doesn't sound right either.
I REALLY liked the following phrases:
1. "She wasn't tall among her people, but her curves were lean and athletic from the development of muscle rather than cultivation of a marriageable self, no benefit from her father's wealth in sight."
I really liked this phrase as it's very descriptive not only of Mara's physical attributes, but also her character as well:
2. "She had twenty years of life under her belt and at least thirteen of those included combat training." I like that this sentence makes your reader do a little bit of quick math, if he or she wants to know how old Mara was when she started combat training. It assumes that you know your reader is intelligent. And that makes us feel warm and fuzzy.
3. "Sometimes I parry with my face," the huntress said lightly, ...
Funny! Keep this!
I didn't count it, but you use the words "bruising" and "bruises" a lot in this piece. I know Mara has an injury to her face, but. . . you may want to vary your description of her wound. Replace "bruising" with "injury" or "purple areas" or "swollen now-purple soon-to-be-bluish-black cheek" or simply "face."
"There was no reason to deny it, given the obvious bruising to her face. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."
You could totally take out the "bruising" phrase, and it still reads well. In fact, I think it reads better.
"There was no reason to deny it. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."
Nicely written overall!
Comment Written by Aiona on 27-Dec-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.