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Aiona

The Twelve Hour Race by Barb Hensongispsaca
Chapter 69 of the book New Saved

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LOL! I love your poems, Barb. This one rhymed, had meter, and told a funny story that I could totally see in my head. I loved your use of "bellered." Are you publishing a book of these poems?
Comment Written by Aiona on 04-Jan-2021

The cure by Iza Deleanu

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Oo! This is like "La Femme Nikita" and "Heroes" rolled into one. I hope this isn't just a short story. :) Could be a longer story. But if you just want a short story, that works too.

Couple of things:
1. There were some areas where the verbs tense hopped a little.
Example: "As I was walking thru the Valley of Shadows, I start wondering how much I care about my past life."
"was walking" is past tense. So "start wondering" should probably be changed to "started wondering how much I cared"
There are a few other places too, but the writing was absorbing, so I forgot to write down where they were.

2. Dialogue name tags.... too much
The dialogue tags when John and Eli are talking to each other are bit much. I know she can't SEE them, so it helps to have John and Eli address each other, but people don't address each other every time they talk to each other.
Example:
" John, the blood is like the water; it contains emotions and life, given freely heals, taken forcedly ... kills!"
"Eli, I disagree!"
Maybe you can have John or Eli make a sound, like hitting the wall or desk or something for emphasis. That way, we still know who's talking, without John and Eli specifically naming each other every time they say something. Or maybe have them have specific words they each use. Or maybe describing their voices - gruff, high-pitched, or whatever you like.

I like the happy ending. I prefer happy endings. :)

Comment Written by Aiona on 04-Jan-2021

Can You Spare One? by Y. M. Roger

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What a cute poem! It fits the 2-5-2 syllabic structure, and the picture that accompanies it is perfect. This poem is almost like a writing prompt in itself. Plot bunny!
Comment Written by Aiona on 04-Jan-2021

Be here Now Poems by jake cosmos aller

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This is almost like a mantra, isn't it? There are some poems that I've written that I repeat to myself, when things are hairy. This seems like a poem that one can use in the same way. It doesn't look like a structure I'm familiar with, but it lends itself to memorization easily because of the repetition, which a changing end. Almost a metaphor, really.
Comment Written by Aiona on 31-Dec-2020

Gapyeong, South Korea by jake cosmos aller

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Very interesting piece. It's interesting to hear how South Korea was before the K-pop and K-drama booms. (I'm a big Korean soap opera fan!)

I saw a few typos:

1. "A light bulb went in my co-worker's head and we started doing that and our success rate went way, but it also meant our death statistics also went up."

I think you meant "A light bulb went ON in my co-worker's head..."
and "...our success rate went way UP,..."

2. "43 later, Gapyeong is now a suburban ex-urban suburb..."

I think you meant "43 YEARS later..."

3. "Hmm well, most of the old people are called either mother of so and so or the wife of so and so who is a grandfather about75 years old?"

You might want to hyphenate "so and so" so that it is a little easier to read.

Example: "Hmm well, most of the old people are called either mother-of-so-and-so or the wife-of-so-and-so who is a-grandfather-about-75-years-old?"

It is a funny piece! It is so true. My father's family is from southeast Asia, and I really don't know the names of his relatives. We call them "Big-Sister" "Aunt-Who-Drives-A-Motorcycle" and "Uncle-Who-Looks-Like-A-Chipmunk" or "Aunt-Who-Has-A-Durian-Tree-In-Her-Front-Yard." So when I went to Thailand to visit them, I was embarrassed to say, "We are visiting Uncle Chipmunk." LOL!
Comment Written by Aiona on 31-Dec-2020

My Happy Place by Earl Corp

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Mmm! Happy place. Very nice piece. I didn't see any grammatical errors. I know people say you gotta spell out numbers, but I think that's an archaic construction in a day and age when people read numbers as numbers every day. It takes one out of the story if one has to read "Hill One-Thousand-Ten." So I see no problem with leaving it as "Hill 1010." I too have "happy places" in my head. I wonder if I talk aloud when I remember them.....
Comment Written by Aiona on 31-Dec-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Beaver Moon Equals Freedom by Earl Corp

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LOL! How weird! I love this! It's about a self-made man. This continent was full of self-made men (and some women) back then, wasn't it? It still is, really. I was looking online at all the TikTok internet stars.... blazing new electronic virtual trails. There's always new frontiers.

I saw one place where you might want to put a period instead of a comma, so it doesn't read like the trees are building you a house -- between "water's edge" and "building."

"Trees grew up to the water's edge, building a cabin when I wasn't running my trap line wouldn't prove to be difficult. There was plenty water and game."

As it reads right now, "building a cabin" is a participial phrase describing the trees.

It's funny that I clicked on this to read, RIGHT after writing about being self-employed.
Comment Written by Aiona on 31-Dec-2020

My Knight Errant by dragonpoet

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Heh! I love this poem. First of all because it rhymes. Next because it has a definite meter. Thirdly, because it's descriptive. Fourth, because it tells a story. Fifth, because it's FUNNY! An excellent poem!
Comment Written by Aiona on 30-Dec-2020

A Kindness by K. Olsen
Chapter 1 of the book Within the Bone

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I very much enjoyed reading this chapter. It read quickly, except for a few parts, where the verbiage confused me a little.

Here's one example:
1. "She was a fine huntress, but one didn't bring down such beasts without spears and a group of many."
Many what? Many spears? Oh! Many people!
I was able to figure it out from context, but it slowed my reading down quite a bit, and took me out of the story for while.

2. "...but there was only the feeling of its gaze, piercing and probably hungry. She wanted to sigh. It had already cost her the buck she'd been trailing for miles..."
I'm not sure how the feeling of its gaze can cost her the buck.
Certainly the buck's constant attention towards her is costing her the buck. But her feelings about the gaze... shouldn't affect her ability to track the buck. Or was her sigh costing her the buck? That doesn't sound right either.

I REALLY liked the following phrases:

1. "She wasn't tall among her people, but her curves were lean and athletic from the development of muscle rather than cultivation of a marriageable self, no benefit from her father's wealth in sight."
I really liked this phrase as it's very descriptive not only of Mara's physical attributes, but also her character as well:

2. "She had twenty years of life under her belt and at least thirteen of those included combat training." I like that this sentence makes your reader do a little bit of quick math, if he or she wants to know how old Mara was when she started combat training. It assumes that you know your reader is intelligent. And that makes us feel warm and fuzzy.

3. "Sometimes I parry with my face," the huntress said lightly, ...
Funny! Keep this!

Other things:
I didn't count it, but you use the words "bruising" and "bruises" a lot in this piece. I know Mara has an injury to her face, but. . . you may want to vary your description of her wound. Replace "bruising" with "injury" or "purple areas" or "swollen now-purple soon-to-be-bluish-black cheek" or simply "face."

Or here:
"There was no reason to deny it, given the obvious bruising to her face. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."

You could totally take out the "bruising" phrase, and it still reads well. In fact, I think it reads better.

Example:
"There was no reason to deny it. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."

Nicely written overall!
Comment Written by Aiona on 27-Dec-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Gone But Not Forgotten by RetroStarfish

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This is a cute review. The first two lines are clearly Scarlett. However, is the last line Rhett, or is it the reviewer? Hah! It follows the 5-7-5 syllable structure.
Comment Written by Aiona on 27-Dec-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.


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