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Leonardo Wild

Energy In Hugs by Sankey
Chapter 2 of the book Geoffrey's Musings.

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Hi Sankey,

An interesting and very important topic, the one of affection or lack thereof. Not many people wish to address it, or even mention it. It is a cultural phenomenon, where affection is seen as a sign of weakness, and weakness has a negative connotation.

A few spags:

Wrong use of semi-colon:

";"
--Reason is; I am an affectionate person myself.
>>Reason is, I am an affectionate person myself. <<

--Sad thing is; she had to wait 25 years to get that real affection.
>>Sad thing is, she had to wait 25 years to get that real affection.<<

--Not talking about things that happen between husbands and wives privately.
>>Not a sentence and it does not work as a partial, either.

--Talking about real affection in HUGS and so on, that should be acceptable in public.
>>Ditto, as above.

--"children should be seen and not heard".
>>"children should be seen and not heard." <<
Period always goes inside quotation marks.

--You should have seen the resistance to the affection by the lady's VERY OWN GRANDDAUGHTER!
>>Caps should be italics without caps.

--"kiss Hullo",
>>"kiss Hullo," <<

--affection or behaviour
>>affection or behavior<<

--subject...being allowed to cry.
>>subject ... being allowed to cry.<<

--As I close out here, DADS DON'T FORGET TO BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR SONS!
>>Caps are overkill. If you want to stress it, use italics. All caps sometimes means shouting.

--at home...and I mean boys and girls, Dads ok....they will go looking some place else..Maybe to their peril..in a wrong place.
>.at home ... and I mean boys and girls, Dads OK ... they will go looking some place else ... Maybe to their peril ... in a wrong place.<<
Wrong spacing (lack of periods in some) of these ellipses. Also, OK always in caps.

A nice piece, Sankey, where the opinion that affection is important and something should be done about it holds the piece together because it's strong enough to drive it.
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 21-Jun-2014

The Venus fly trap by deepwater
Chapter 32 of the book Writings From the Heart

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Hi deepwater:


--Two sprites so intertwined,
Should it be:
>>Two spirits so intertwined, >>

A very interesting poem, though I'm not sure if the long lines help make it more readable, or perhaps you might consider shortening them (if it's not going to break some poetry rule for this particular type of poem).

Best,

Leonardo
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 18-Jun-2014

The Ever Expanding Heart by catch22

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Very well done and a very nice poem, thank you very much for sharing. It flows and it has rhythm that goes with the theme. I didn't find any noticeable glitches or snags. Interesting shift to include the narrator's POV:

--so fragile I was afraid
it would burst
into infinity,
particles of pain
scattering across time.

I wanted to fight entropy

Well done.
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 17-Jun-2014
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

A TRANSFER OF POWER by Jay Squires
Chapter 23 of the book The Trining

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Hi Jay,

A rather clean text here, that flows quickly and shows the interrelationship of Doctrex and his friends.

Here more line-by-line stuff:
--It starts at the camp, I said, "and
>>"It starts at the camp,: I said, "and <<

--Sheleck, no matter how they'll want me to act toward you and talk to you--and I'm sure I'll have to yield to what I'll be told is the way to act and talk to people of lower rank--I want you to know--I want all three of you to know that there is truly a brotherhood between us.
>>Very nice part that shows their closeness. Well done.

-- But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior.
>> "But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior."<<
I think this should be in quotes.

--he said over his shoulder."
>>he said over his shoulder.<<

--After a quarter hour I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them.
>>After a quarter hour, I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them. <<
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 17-Jun-2014

Was It Worth It? by Joan E.

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Very funny, Joan, very funny! And a good one, too, reminds me of Murphy's Law. They should add to it:

If anything can go wrong, it will
And so, too, everything else will
Just to keep up our thrill

Goodie!
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 13-Jun-2014

THE MAGIC OF KLASCO'S VISION by Jay Squires
Chapter 21 of the book The Trining

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Hi Jay,

Hope all is well. Here my line by line suggestions again:

--I agreed. And, then I asked if my brother had spoken to him.
>>I agreed, then I asked if my brother had spoken to him.<<

--Her ears twitched and she pulled back from the reins he guided her by and the pressure of the bit in her mouth.
>>Must be a mistake in the way you put it. If not, it's still awkward.

--But when she got to me she seemed to visibly relax and stretched her head out for me to pet.
>>But when she got to me, she seemed to visibly relax and stretched her head out for me to pet.<<

--And, we don't have much time, so I would like it if you would show me just that.
>>Look, we don't have much time, so I would like it if you would show me just that. <<

--Right up to how I climb on the crossan, how I stop her or get her to turn left or right."
>>I looked at the crossan wearily. "I will even need to know how to climb up on it, as well as how I stop her or get her to turn left or right."<<

--"But, in the mean time I need to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can before the brothers arrive.
>>"But, in the mean time, I need to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can before the brothers arrive. <<

--How do you get him to go? How do you stop him?
>>Him vs. Her. Is she female or is he male?

--lot of rote activities.
>>Activities? Must be a better word.

--"And, have you named her?" he asked.

I told him I hadn't.

>>"And, have you named her?" he asked.

Not yet.<<

--Now," he indicated with a nod in the direction of the inn, "there come the brothers for their crossans."
>>Now," he said, and indicated with a nod in the direction of the inn, "there come the brothers for their crossans."<<

--between a name and invisible rain.
>>between a name and invisible rein.<<
Word play? Rain, rein. It looks like a mistake.
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 13-Jun-2014

A Step is not a Journey by adewpearl

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Hi adewpearl,

Nice poem, quite thoughtful and expansive in spite of its brevity.

I did have to re-read the second part
--The step that starts a journey
might fade from memory,
just like a single raindrop
that helped to build the sea,

>>There seemed something odd about the flow and the rhythm. Now, I'm not sure you have a rule to follow, but it would sound better like this, in my humble opinion:
>>The step that starts a journey
might fade away from memory,
just like that single raindrop
that helped to build the sea,<<

As you already say raindrops above, I would change the last part like this:
--but if there were no rain drops,
the seas would turn to sand,
and if there were no footsteps,
no distance could be spanned.

>>but if there was no rain at all,
the seas would turn to sand,
and if there were no footsteps, either,
no distance could be spanned. <<

Maybe I'm just messing it up for you, but I was trying to listen to the music and the flow.
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 11-Jun-2014

THE VISITOR by Jay Squires
Chapter 20 of the book The Trining

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Hi Jay,

I think you misspelled Visitor to Visiter in the heading of this installment, the one you type in when you put chapter names or numbers.

The part where you go from dream to reality needs a bit more clarity and description, and you may wish to add a few little oddities into the dream part to make it clear, after the fact, that it was indeed a dream. Too realistic, and then there is no transition that makes us wonder what is real and what not. It's just a small thing, but important.

--A warm pressure on my lips. My eyes snapped open. Framed against the planked ceiling, Axtilla gazed down at me.
>>The first two are not sentences, and though these sometimes work, I'm not sure you want to start a chapter like this ... unless this is just the continuation.

--It was my heartbeat, though, that I was afraid would awaken Klasco.
>>heartbeat awaken? Even though I know what you're trying to do, the humor does not fit the context.

--were like a furnace blast against my face
>>overly melodramatic metaphor, I think.


--"That was little Sarisa," she interrupted to tell me.
>>"That was little Sarisa," she interrupted.<<
Obviously, to tell him.

--I could not go back to sleep since the dream,
>>I had not been able to go back to sleep since the dream, <<

--you will need some credits for odds and ends. From his pocket
>>you will need some credits for odds and ends." From his pocket <<

-- from one eye to the other."
>> from one eye to the other.<<

--in my sleep, brother."
>>Brother vs brother, caps or no caps.

--cold shiver invade my body.
>>cold shiver run through my body.<<

--"That he has your love--your Axtilla--there with him."
(I CUT OUT THE RECKLESS PART AS YOU REPEAT IT LATER AND IT'S BETTER PLACED THERE RATHER THAN HERE. LW)

"It was a dream, Klasco! Just a dream." But I felt a cold shiver invade my body.

"It's a vision," he said, summarily. "But the vision was of Glnot Rhuether. He told me about your Axtilla. He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"
>>"That he has your love--your Axtilla--there with him. There ... there is a marriage planned. But, don't you see, he wants you to be reckless!"

"It was a dream, Klasco! Just a dream." But I felt a cold shiver invade my body.

"It's a vision," he said, summarily. "But the vision was of Glnot Rhuether. He told me about your Axtilla. He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"<<
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 10-Jun-2014

Flight by Saucey
Chapter 1 of the book Delightful

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A very complex and deep poem, Saucey. Without saying who you mean, it's clear. It gives a sense of security and surety, of knowing rather than believing, of relief and expectation.

Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 09-Jun-2014

Unto You by L.M.Mullins

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A very nice pieces L.M., which a sway of words and a rhythm at play that was very inspirational to what we can do with language, and what you've done with a poem.

I liked it a lot, thank you for sharing.
Comment Written by Leonardo Wild on 09-Jun-2014


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