Chapter 108 of the book shhh
All around fun stuff here. Clean visuals and interactions. Engaging conflicts and developments. Though I think the overcompensating romance boost hit its head on the ceiling and fell off the wagon :p
Am wondering how Hazear is going to digest what he thinks he saw. I'm expecting indigestion and some minor recoil. Goalpost touched! HI5 to that!
biting bugs that had dared glance at the private cove had been violently murdered before Rey had stepped foot out of her carriage. - laugh out loud funny. Extremely amusing. Loved this :D
Fname, the large, younger male sentry, and Rname, the - Lolz! Fname. Good one :p
...making 'uh-huh' type noises with its slobbery mouth. - why does this make me think of many a camping trip with young girls >.> My sisters and cousins when we were kids and my daughters now
not me, "would..." she waved at a pretend pile, whispering, "bury things." - lawlz. What an embarrassing predicament
"Um. Some of my friends call me ... Ah ... FFF--Frib? - ha. Fib with an R >.> Lia...r... Lieeaa...err. cough cough*
least he would whenever he returned... from wherever he went. - am curious about this too
and moving object not near she and Rey - much to like about this paragraph. Great stuff. I don't Imagine this as what gal pals going to the restroom together looks like >.>
Why must I be your designated squat-buddy, 'Lissa?" - all the lawlz
Wriggling slugs, envy-born, coated her hearts with an icky goo. - geeze there's an image o.O
Boys don't get sentry-grade squat seats, stupid. - true story, dude. Dudes don't squat to pee.
Only the softest leaf in all the wilds. "For cleanup." - ha. Makes me think of the goofy Charmin toilet paper commercials
wrist nub- gets a hyphen doesn't it?
A quick swat batted a harmless caterpillar off the log seat's lip before Rey could notice it crawling below her. - wonder if she'd do this with her tail for extra subtlety
over too soon. She stretched her arms over her head - 'over' and out, good buddy
A high leaf fluttered and fell, drifting in tailspins. Severed by breeze? Or just the weight of time? Aayla shook her head. - someone spying I expect. Most likely Kurzon
Thank you, Frib. You've been a great help. It's almost like you've done this before." - that name is appropriately ridiculous :p
A second crafted seat? Blocked from the road by the massive tree. - he made her a toilet? Awww. That's both endearing and rather weird o.O the thought that counts they say
grabbed a fistful (of?) cloth,
His gasp siphoned air from her lungs a moment before her mouth formed a seal. Cushioned heat canvased her lips, parting against her probing like the shore submitting to tide. A humid gust--his breath storming her cheek--blasted from his depths like she'd nailed him above the bellybutton. - great stuff here but it might be a bit much in one paragraph. I had to slow down and crawl over this to make connections.
Though I have been doing twelves and Jensyn hasn't been sleeping at night, so it could just be me >.>
Eyes closed, she ventured forward. Her reward was an intoxicating closeness, coating her tongue with the salty musk she'd been craving. His flavor. His heat. - a craving so strong she can forget her pinching bladder :D
Amusing this explosive reaction appears to be over the thoughtful crafting of a toilet seat
A large shape that didn't belong to trees or leaves. - lawlz. Busted! I temporarily forgot about this spy. Obviously isn't Kurzon, so has to be Hazear or Bael
"Lad." Hazear lifted his hand, massive arm straining, work-callused fingers parting as if he needed a bigger shield to blot out her sight. He spun away, swiping a gruffly growled, "Do na'." - dig this whole paragraph. I expect others would flag the 'swiping a gruffly growl' as hard to grasp or as a grammatical no-no, but I had no problem with it and think it effective.
The Lad tells us her cover is semi intact, if now skewed toward twirled.
Twirled <--- somehow this has gradually become my default phrase for gay o.O And then Maureen used this the other day when telling me about a gay character on one of her shows >.>
And finally I just plain apologize. - Turtle, outta know by now ya never have to apologize :p
I'll check out whatever you got and laugh with you when it takes a wacky left turn. And then promptly throw a flag at it for being something the average idiot might faceplant on :p which I expect you'd do the same.
This is a good example. While it amused the hell out of me, I'm not thinking the toilet romance should survive the first draft. Aayla is definitely overreacting (because of underdeveloped spots prior I think) for a thoughtful gesture. Maybe the idea can still get a mention somewhere along the line, but witnessing this bit probably wouldn't click with the standard target audience >.>
Is there some other reason Aayla and Kurzon can be alone for a moment here?
For the fake name, maybe a play on her brother and father's name since theirs are similar? Fabio! Or something of the ilk.
I don't believe Ive seen the name clip before. What's that from? Like something out of dumb and dumber. Pretty amusing.
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 23-Dec-2020