by Turtle... who?
Chapter 98 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance
Yay new material!
Progress! I like it. Our heroes were getting fridged again. Saved em just in time.
This was solid as ever in the scene necessities department. As a whole, we might be meandering a little bit, but that's totally alright. Our heroes are moving, vacating Kurn on the heels of Rey who appears to legit be leaving o.O Not just vacating the house for a breather, but leaving town. Into the wildlands that Aayla just leapt off of a cliff to escape a hostile critter. It seems like someone might try harder to stop her, considering how protective these folks are of their females.
The elderess gets enough attention that I think she'll be expected (even if only subconsciously) to serve a narrative purpose. Alot of interesting possibilities there.
I'm not sure where we're headed from here, probably because of time in-between, but I'm curious to find out. I'm expecting Rey to get them into trouble in some way. And I figure we'll run into Calindra at some point. You've generated enough of a rep for her that she's a neon goal post waiting to be tagged.
Stuff on the fly:
pinky claw hooked the edge of her wrist. 'Stay close - I know I marvel at this quite a bit, but it can't be overstated. You're doing cool things with their silent communications and make it look easy. I find myself tripping over variation in action tags sometimes. Great stuff and gives Kurzon a unique charm
he allowed himself to be guided off like a dwarf larkin stripped of its plumage. - creative and absurdly amusing for the image my imagination ran with
creating a false breeze against her cheek. - I like the idea here but against her cheek? Makes the person seem overly large in contrast to her. Intended?
As Jin would someday do. - i like this reminder, still thinking of her family, but this area feels kind of meandering. Maybe a product of time in-between sections or your thinking it's taking too long, but I wondered at the necessity of some of this
openness in the placement of her palms. - I liked this too. Gives elderess some definition
The Eldress's warm stare- lots of staring going on here. Three stares in three paragraphs
she'd opted (for?) over being eatwn
taken to him..." - the motion accusing him like it's his fault too amused me
My mentor saw me fall and came to fetch me. - this struck me funny too though I can't pinpoint why. For the absurdity or because my improv imagination supplied "threw me"
Yes," the Eldress said, her shoulders square to the road and the picture of poised. - this sentence needs another look
Crossbows creaked under the terse grips of their [nearby] owners.
Expressions hardened. The bubble of space around them shrank - sounds like they're expecting to get their fight on
experiences come with cost. There's few things in life more costly than the consolatory gem that comes of bad judgement. - took me a second to untangle that one, which I assume is intentional. Sure reads as the over complicated musings of an aged instructor
Eyes lowering to the pitted path at her feet, she pressed her shoulder into Kurzon's side. - the size difference here. Makes her feel a kid compared to him. With theirs Ultimately being a romance, this might be counter productive
Kursa Rey kept her steady trek forward, the gap between them now uncomfortably large. - guess she's serious about that whole leaving thing, not that I doubted. Pregocrazy should be an official ailment
an inappropriate giggle skittering unreleased - not sure why this would strike her funny. The skittering giggle implies to me it did release. Something of a contradiction there
His expression rivaled the crackle of the clear-sky storm brewing around them with a still hardness, like a mountain undeterred by all the rain and thunder any cloud could produce can we optimize this? I like what it's doing, but it feels unwieldy
warding away judgment with unspoken accusations he didn't have the voice to wield. - gives me the notion of rather confirms the one already present that recognizes Kurzon. And would thus know he isn't capable of speaking. Some opportunities there it seems like. Kinda unclear on what her motive here is. Just an old watcher doing what she does? Prying for a reason? I like to think so, but dunno what it might be for. A potential conspiracy at work o.O
If she knows everything, why would she let them go? - she's a conspirator studying her pawns o.O
If she knows nothing, why is she interested in the scene? - it's her job to be interested in anomalies. Maybe she can be called upon later in the story to testify on their behalf or offer some insight at a pivotal moment.
As is, she seems like a character to meet and leave, only to run into her again when it's important later on. *Shrug
Gimme some more :)
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 08-Jan-2020