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Razaz3l

Bael chatter by Turtle... who?
Chapter 103 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Sounds like you have the visual in your mind. Definitely needs to be woven into the scene as you have it written, but for a draft this worked fine. it serves forward momentum physically though it does seem like she's rehashing what's already happened. Only real new info here is new to Bael about her brother. I see the males roll with whatever the females say thing, though I'm not sure where it's going. Figuring there's a point wanting to be made somewhere along the line. Still wondering where it is they are heading. Is calindras keep in close proximity to Kurn?

Stuff:

was lift, drag her foot, step, and repeat. - something about this is off. If she's lifting her foot, how is she dragging it? Think one of those needs to go

She needed a break, and she wasn't alone. - huh. And Kursa is still on the move? That's impressive. Or did I miss her getting into a cart?

{Some distance ahead, Kurzon trekked beside Rey's wagon like the backlashes of victory had sapped his will, too.} - I like this. Vote for the keep. Also answers the misplaced Rey bit.

'bolo kak', but his mouth twisted like she'd served him a spoonful. - ha. Great stuff here. I liked this

"He must have deserved it. Females have reasons for these things." - ha safe logic. Very amused by this

Counting stars during the day might be easier than fathoming female motive. - when did Bael grow to be the wise philosopher o.O he seems to have inexplicably matured here.

You say Kursa Rey knew, and this Elder up ahead knew, and the Elderesses, all knew, too, but her lifemate should not have known? Why?" - good question. What kind of a secret is it when most everyone knows?

{something to indicate he is carefully considering the information and not liking the outcome. Then a beat to disregard it all.} - looks up at the sky then shakes his head or seats at the air? Pick something up from the environment, break it and discard the pieces when they can't be reassembled?

Elder Dormin had been brutally honest - a fair assessment. Aayla's awareness and logical thought processes are noticeably improving, making for a good sense of progression

The sheer indignity he exhibited on Rey's accusing him of orchestrating it stirred doubt. - I expect Dormin did orchestrate most if not all of it. I equate him to something of a mad scientist. Any means to accomplish the end result. Sacrifices must be made!

An eclipsed male in Rieken Calindra's Keep, even a baby..." - would be like a jew living among nazis o.O

"I believe that's you? Holding his walking staff?" - hey you, stick boy!

HI5 :)

Comment Written by Razaz3l on 22-Oct-2020

It's complicated by Turtle... who?
Chapter 102 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Strong continuation here, Turtle. We're on the move and managed it peacefully. I'm still kinda foggy on why there would've been trouble beyond being of different purpose/destiny, but who ever really needed a reason. I'm left to wonder where we're headed next. Does Kursa even want to face her family? And if she doesn't, where is she to go from here? If I'm getting it right, she's a stolen princess found in a foreign kingdom when political relations are already on the rocks. Bad news for Kurzon's crew and Aayla by extension. A fun little aside with Bael here.


Stuff along the way:

but Bael's [sudden grip on her arm] yanked her back. - eh. Maybe just Bael yanked her arm or hooked her elbow. Simplify and lose the sudden

{{A release of his bottled lightning added singeing power to his}}}: "Never do that again." - overload or spark? singed his: "no no", shocking or jolting her with its... sincerity? Concern?

prerogative to protect the younger blood." - aw she really spooked her adopted big bro. Endearing. And amusing for what he doesn't yet know. Really amping the inevitable discovery. Destined to be a fun one.

His face darkened three shades of green. "Kiss you?" - well that's unexpected o.O if he's at all suspicious of the truth, he's had an impressive poker face

"So if you treat me like a female in need of rescue, I might as well act the part." - amusing. Didn't expect he'd figured it out nor has there been any cue he might be getting soft...er hard?...for little brother. It makes perfect sense he might be a little miffed she stepped on his big hero brother toes.

{He looked awful.} - one o those take it or leave its. Think I'd leave it for the emphasis

only to be grappled around the neck and dragged along the road in a side embrace, her legs slow to keep up.- I enjoyed this exchange. Very brotherly and effective

"I killed it with a cliff." - amusing. I'd totally add 'to the face' in there for some added boasty points

He laughed, {an honest and pleasant sound} - unburdened or somehow lightened? Think honest works but the pleasant could give the wrong idea.

Bael's understandably peeved? - yeah I believe all that comes through strong and clear. Makes good logical sense

Admit she's destined for the bench.
Also... Kursa Rey is on the road. - check and check. Nailed those milestones


On to the next!
With a HI5 :D
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 17-Oct-2020

Dusting off frostbite... by Turtle... who?
Chapter 101 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Alright it was good to get back into this. Entirely too long. Though easy to fall back into stride. Like seeing a movie you haven't seen in years and realize you still know the scenes and dialogue like you'd just watched it yesterday.
Smooth reading through here. Had no problem resurrecting the scene, characters and moving parts. I believe this accomplished what it's meant to. Fuck yeah for progress! I'd jabble on but it's time to get back to work...

As read:

Up front: yay!! Rock on (throwing the Dragon Horns of rock)

and Kursa Rey ends up ... mega freaking out leaving.: Yeap, i remember all this

Sanely dominant, but not ego driven. ; ) : Buyable. Explains the emphasis on dance and birth and peaceful resolutions with little to no bloodshed.

adding moss and sunlight to his stony edges. - I'm not sure what this means. Are we going for color a comparison here?

"Is that not true?" - Comp check. Their on the wrong side of the tracks, both of them, in a place that isn't welcoming but not exactly overtly hostile either. Here the Eldress is giving them a peaceful way to leave?

You may go now.: Well isn't she the tactful leader? Good thing for our heroes

A terse ripple: can a ripple be terse?

glanced over her shoulder, toward the path Blu had earlier escorted Aario (down? Or maybe along?) not so long ago, and a breath fluttered in her lungs.

. "Nature's curse. The land pull's curse. A curse in a curse!" - this amused me

And the wraps Blu brought? Were they...?
- yeah Im curious about this too. Cutting most off doesn't sound good at all

He looked angry. And confused. And... and...
- I can't recall why Hazear might be angry but I like the internals through here

An overwhelming want to run (to) him quickened her pace as the large metal hinges squealed an almost celebratory sound in their closing. - it's alive like something from the beauty n beast story :p ' be gone intruders! And stay out!'


strangle her himself. - Bael and Hazear. Mountain man and his snappy pal. I remember

"What in the gods' peace is goin' on - wouldn't Gods' and probably Peace be capped?

"Here we are." - amused balls

Is tha' true? What the lad says? It's her, and we're ta just ... go?"
- a rival city has had their princess, presumably hostage, and her would be savior's are lost in the sauce. Totally understandable

her christening the exit offering a version of neutral truth.
- check. Picked up on that no problem

but I wonder if the Elderess should even show him that, or if I should let her keep the power of a moons'female voice over a suns'male hidden. It's not like it'd be useful, perhaps. Especially if it's known ahead of time.
- I'm not sure I'm interpreting this right. Show moon female has power over sun's male?
If so, I don't think it's inherently necessary as most people are like to assume female dominance in all territories unless specified. That'd be my expectation anyway

that the Sentry would need Rieken Calindra's voice telling them to attack to offset the Elderess's voice telling them not to. Else, the slaughter he envisioned might look a little different.
- though after you mention this, I think it is necessary to display MF power over SM so we understand why a direct order to attack would be completely halted. The assumption of female dominance wouldn't naturally span quite that far


HI5!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 06-Oct-2020

Lea's gift by Turtle... who?
Chapter 6 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Hey Turtle. A sound continuation here. We get some family time, a shining moment for Daddio, a welcome visit from the Grammy, and a kind memory to soften Aayla's grouchy face. All we need now is a happy hunk to stroll through the door and shake things up O.o

On the run:

Interesting pic there. I like it but it's one I'd expect to see on a horror story o.O she's looking kinda evil here :D

Velissa just can't wait to start working o.O and they say earth girls are easy. Pffffft.

Tail writhing- so do their tails act independently? Or is it kinda like a subconscious thing. Unthinking fidgeting?

Give Velissa a trim- that is still funny to imagine

Cheeks flushing purple - is this a new dynamic? I don't remember cheeks changing colors in the later parts of the draft

The gems and the relation to father- works great. Certainly shines a favorable light on him. Bonus, the gem descrips paint pretty pictures. Would make a fine book spine image

Gramse's intro and formal declaration ceremony- all well done here. Strong imagery and motion. No problem seeing these interactions happen, though I'm certain the significance will be lost on just about everyone. I have insider insights and the significance of what's happening here is still fuzzy for me. Far as we got into the draft, I can't see any major parallels with the rest of the narrative. As I understand it: Lea is graduating...a preteen kinda of advancement where she is acknowledged for...just her age? She gets a formal ceremony that just the family celebrates, conducted by grandmother. Her purpose, or lack of, is touched upon and she gets a pretty personalized gem from Daddy. Bout what I've got there.
Cali gets a mention and we're made aware gramse and father have something of a civil rivalry goin on, but it's only a hint.
Elsewise this has all the important stuff.
Awaiting the continuation!

HI5 :D
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 11-Jun-2020

Delight in the suns rising by Turtle... who?
Chapter 5 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Something has changed with FS's coding on mobile devices :/ I can't highlight or copy something without it scrolling all the way to the top. I'm having to manually type it all now, slowing me down. Likely a fair probability of format being screwy in translation.

Solid continuation. I feel like I'd be repeating myself with much of my thoughts from the last section applying here. This is doing what you want it to with family exposure, but Aayla is a static grouch. I'm thinking she needs some more movement and the poor mood scaled back. More concern and less angry in the beginning. Maybe she can ask questions she already knows the answers to, hoping for different answers. Or she can ask after alternatives just because she's curious. Doing little things to avoid certain situations would be preferable to actively distancing herself this soon. I think we need direct examples of her fondness for them early on with her fears for the changes floating around.

Stuff:
Right up front: love the character sketch. Very nice.

Aayla watched Nytta abandon her mat and rushed- seems fine to me

Boon pouted out his bottom lip - can a lip be pouted? Wouldn't he puff out a pouty lip? *Shrug

His lazy gaze...his chin - think this para could be optimized for flow. The necklace bit reads clunky

Lick my eyeball- this is still amusing

Calindra's keep gets an earlier reference now. Noted. I wonder if it's typically used as a landmark?

The horlisp offer- this bit is compelling. Drives home her wants vs what she's destined for. Bonus: An attempt at appeasement backfiring outta earn some empathy points for Daddio.

HI5!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 04-Jun-2020

Suns'kissed by Turtle... who?
Chapter 4 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Fantastic stuff, Turtle. I believe this does what you want it to in covering more ground on the family dynamic and world events. I can't speak for the romancers, but the sci-fiers will be tolerant of the unique words, settings, and customs and this should feed their appetites for those things. I always appreciate your way of using the multiple angles of things described to accomplish more than one thing at a time, often filling in characters and setting with one sentence.
I did wonder if Aayla could be more active in what's going on. For most of this it feels like she's standing there observing. That said, the interaction with everyone is well done and relatable. Moving this many seamlessly isn't easy, but you make look so.

Stuff:

Night blooms, though they could not sear... - I think this would work better as two sentences. A bit unwieldy as is and the second half deserves the extra umph

Into the sky - lots of great imagery here, painting with words

Ay placed her hand - seems to me like she'd already be standing here in this pose. Likely because I know what's coming, my imagination took it a step further and she groans and leans over the sil, pretending like she might throw herself out...or run away o.O

Mine mine - I know this scenario so well. Expect others will too. Relatability points!

Ended short at his ankle(s) - else it reads like he's only got one leg o.O

...from the hallway of bedrooms... - these extra tidbits of where things are located might need a little more space between them. Almost every sentence has one and it's noticeable.

I personally appreciate more details per family member here, but I'm not certain about a random reader. I'd think this treads close to the overload line. Father, Mommy, and Jin should definitely get the detailed attention, parents by default and Jin for an introduction to attire and etiquette, but the others could get more filling in later if necessary. Unless they're going to be serving a purpose other than memories (later opportunity) and filling the big family sketch, I think it'd be best to go minimal here.

I don't recall maame being sick before? Is that new or a detail I misplaced?

On to the next.
Big HI5!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 02-Jun-2020

Awakening... part 2 by Turtle... who?
Chapter 3 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Strong continuation and mostly the same as I recall. We get a sense of normal from Melissa or atleast a shining example of how different minded aayla is. I don't think the names used in passing will be too much, but I'm obviously biased to this lack of drop everything and explain style. They've been tagged for future fill in with only really sister and dad given silhouette shading. Hard to anticipate how her stilted view of her father might influence the average reader. Suppose it'd depend heavily on the age. Probably safe to assume no one will have an overly positive impression of him to start with. Something Velissa might say about his character could counter it though I'm not sure what she might say in this particular moment...

Stuff n stuff:

and a scream volleyed for control of her lungs only to escape as a squeak.- this volley is awesome. Want to play a game of volley screams? Aayla wins

The asynchronous pounding in her chest slowed to a less painful ruckus.- going for a slower intro to the dual hearts? Great paragraph

in moons'call. - noticing an abundance of moons' X. Might want to consider some alternatives. Lunar. Gibbous. Silver or ivory. Space cheese o.O

Wetness pooled at her lips, taunting her tongue with its bitter, salty taste. - it is a good thing you included the tongue in there or some people with their corrupted adult minds would wonder which lips >.>

Had her parents no shame? Were they truly mating? Again! - just Lols. For days.

She needed out of the house- priming all these conflicts in a masterful way. I do love the selfish conflict angle

Gramse would preach until the seventh moons' coming if she found out. - I still appreciate these in world references used so tactfully we can still interpret what's going on.

nose such that her slits pinched shut- this is new. Slitted nose gives more of a reptilian impression. By design I expect. Alters the image I've had for quite a while, but not significantly.


Big HI5, Turtle
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 21-May-2020

Awakening by Turtle... who?
Chapter 2 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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This seems finetuned and enhanced since the draft. Obviously I'm not the target audience, but I think this fulfills the expectations for a romance title. Aayla the alien girl is hitting alien puberty and is clearly not ready--conflict established. Through her perceptions we pick up puzzle pieces and get a sense of what to expect, including foreshadowing for her impending genderbending ploy. Only check mark left is Kurzon's intro and there's room for that still. The dream sequence works as a cause and effect and could link to Kurzon. No problem with the transition, though I expect people will initially trip over the world lingo, but there's always the adjustment period. I don't think it's overmuch up front...
All I got for this half.


Stuff:

His aura proceeded his stature. - wouldn't this be preceded?

Jin said, pointing beyond a knot[ted] (of?) branches, halting their game of tag, [high in the tangled canopy above CedarCrest.] (This extra bit has the sentence going too long I think.) "A suns'male, [sis]. Look!" - that extra address needed? It's a little much with his just using her name a second before

A tickle of sweat? Meant trickle?

Her chest heaved at the effort [of the task]- unnecessary extra there

Leathery locks. That's new o.O or somehow I've missed it all this time. Their hair is more feathery than fiber? Or decorated with feathers?

Strong stuff, Turtle. And I like the painting o.O are there more of those?
HI5 :D
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 16-May-2020

still exiting... by Turtle... who?
Chapter 99 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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"Rieken Calidra doesn't know..." where her son is. Or why. - huh. I wonder how true that intuition is. Some fun irony there if Kurzon is a runaway too o.O

When the lost leads the blind.' A tilt of his head. 'No?' - yea, I like this little revelation. Organic and good timing. New ground for them to bond over and empathize. Different circumstances but they're both on quests that'll ultimately lead back home. I'm presuming a little but it's where the cues seem to imply.

Somewhere between the odd pitch of relief, an undertone of sympathy, and the fluttering uptick of amusement was a knowing sound that snuffed the air's crackle like a wet rag tossed over a fire. - completely lost me here. It reads pretty enough but it's puzzling

Rieken Calindra once promised me her sentry would not be used to shed Kurn's blood." Her voice rang true, though doubt - so Calindra and Kurn aren't necessarily on good terms? Is there contention here somewhere between territories? Is that why Kurzon feared to be spotted here?

old water hen - I figure this is a goose or maybe a duck? Swan. A water bird :p

With a heave, she allowed the stampede in her chest to carry them fast as her hindered legs would go. - confusing line here

So, meandering forward... sluggishly, but yay for forward. - hey, I'm envious. I haven't accomplished Anything new in next to a month. Progress is progress o.O


Aayla, Kurzon... Rey and Elder Dormin leave Kurn, loud and clear. - check. Wonder where they're going >.>

A wild contrast to what I'm doing now, but it's my standby plan B jumble if the current path falls on its face. - whoa o.O dramatic contrast there. I dunno if that'd be a better scenario by itself. That seems way more intense than the rest of the narrative has been thus far. Though the potential threat to a character we care about could bring a solid upswing. Would a blend work? Or maybe just Bael gets caught? And they have to bluff a potential sentry attack to get him out? (Could work just fine with Kurzon too though I hesitate to suggest giving protags more time apart. Problems they need to solve together would go nice) Could inadvertently cause political issues bigger than themselves ( is this a pending thing?)
It'd be a motivation to get them out of Kurn faster, plus a convincing reason to take Rey out of the area.
Prego status can certainly apply here, but I feel like a stronger reason to get Rey out would be better. Her outburst and stalking off seems like an event moving our protags along rather than them actively moving the story. It might work better for them to be the influence for transition.
So if I'm running in the same direction:
Dormin explains.
Aayla breaks out. Finds Rey.
Confrontation.
Oh crap X is caught for trespassing.
Rey is in trouble by association. (Aario is on the wrong side, still creating conflict there)
A(and K?) confronts elderess on bael's behalf with a sentry bluff.
Dormin gets good guy points for helping them all get out. = Interesting and dramatic way to get to this same point with a slight political conflict tick.

I figure we're headed for Calindra territory going forward?

Big HI5 :)
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 10-Jan-2020

exiting by Turtle... who?
Chapter 98 of the book He can't sing, she can't dance

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Yay new material!

Progress! I like it. Our heroes were getting fridged again. Saved em just in time.
This was solid as ever in the scene necessities department. As a whole, we might be meandering a little bit, but that's totally alright. Our heroes are moving, vacating Kurn on the heels of Rey who appears to legit be leaving o.O Not just vacating the house for a breather, but leaving town. Into the wildlands that Aayla just leapt off of a cliff to escape a hostile critter. It seems like someone might try harder to stop her, considering how protective these folks are of their females.
The elderess gets enough attention that I think she'll be expected (even if only subconsciously) to serve a narrative purpose. Alot of interesting possibilities there.
I'm not sure where we're headed from here, probably because of time in-between, but I'm curious to find out. I'm expecting Rey to get them into trouble in some way. And I figure we'll run into Calindra at some point. You've generated enough of a rep for her that she's a neon goal post waiting to be tagged.


Stuff on the fly:
pinky claw hooked the edge of her wrist. 'Stay close - I know I marvel at this quite a bit, but it can't be overstated. You're doing cool things with their silent communications and make it look easy. I find myself tripping over variation in action tags sometimes. Great stuff and gives Kurzon a unique charm

he allowed himself to be guided off like a dwarf larkin stripped of its plumage. - creative and absurdly amusing for the image my imagination ran with

creating a false breeze against her cheek. - I like the idea here but against her cheek? Makes the person seem overly large in contrast to her. Intended?

As Jin would someday do. - i like this reminder, still thinking of her family, but this area feels kind of meandering. Maybe a product of time in-between sections or your thinking it's taking too long, but I wondered at the necessity of some of this

openness in the placement of her palms. - I liked this too. Gives elderess some definition

The Eldress's warm stare- lots of staring going on here. Three stares in three paragraphs

she'd opted (for?) over being eatwn

taken to him..." - the motion accusing him like it's his fault too amused me

My mentor saw me fall and came to fetch me. - this struck me funny too though I can't pinpoint why. For the absurdity or because my improv imagination supplied "threw me"

Yes," the Eldress said, her shoulders square to the road and the picture of poised. - this sentence needs another look

Crossbows creaked under the terse grips of their [nearby] owners.

Expressions hardened. The bubble of space around them shrank - sounds like they're expecting to get their fight on

experiences come with cost. There's few things in life more costly than the consolatory gem that comes of bad judgement. - took me a second to untangle that one, which I assume is intentional. Sure reads as the over complicated musings of an aged instructor

Eyes lowering to the pitted path at her feet, she pressed her shoulder into Kurzon's side. - the size difference here. Makes her feel a kid compared to him. With theirs Ultimately being a romance, this might be counter productive

Kursa Rey kept her steady trek forward, the gap between them now uncomfortably large. - guess she's serious about that whole leaving thing, not that I doubted. Pregocrazy should be an official ailment

an inappropriate giggle skittering unreleased - not sure why this would strike her funny. The skittering giggle implies to me it did release. Something of a contradiction there

His expression rivaled the crackle of the clear-sky storm brewing around them with a still hardness, like a mountain undeterred by all the rain and thunder any cloud could produce can we optimize this? I like what it's doing, but it feels unwieldy

warding away judgment with unspoken accusations he didn't have the voice to wield. - gives me the notion of rather confirms the one already present that recognizes Kurzon. And would thus know he isn't capable of speaking. Some opportunities there it seems like. Kinda unclear on what her motive here is. Just an old watcher doing what she does? Prying for a reason? I like to think so, but dunno what it might be for. A potential conspiracy at work o.O



If she knows everything, why would she let them go? - she's a conspirator studying her pawns o.O


If she knows nothing, why is she interested in the scene? - it's her job to be interested in anomalies. Maybe she can be called upon later in the story to testify on their behalf or offer some insight at a pivotal moment.
As is, she seems like a character to meet and leave, only to run into her again when it's important later on. *Shrug


Super HI5.
Gimme some more :)
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 08-Jan-2020


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