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Razaz3l

Hazear goes quiet count by --Turtle.
Chapter 110 of the book shhh

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Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Sigh... Seriously only had another sentence or two to write and it was ready to go. Fucking FS trolls -_-
No big deal though. This was pretty entertaining the first time through :D

Stuff n stuff. Again :

breathing ports along there underbelly. - I liked these visual cues. Got a very Avatar ish creature image

I'm so hungry! - I'd lose the 'im' but that's just me. Like she's so hungry she can't form a complete thought

Beautiful. Cooked.

Meat. - was very amused by this whole bit

grabbed her shoulder. "You. Get to the back of the line." - thems fighting words dude

all the steadiness of a one-legged dancer in an earthquake. - ha liked this too :D

But if he didn't move, she considered biting him. - wouldn't this be 'she'd consider biting him' ?

If my little brother, who saved my life--who's bested meaner threats than you--doesn't put you in the dirt - lots for the reader to appreciate in this :p

The boy got the female to stop crying - lawlz. Very least should get a medal for that o.O

And he volunteered duties I ain't even gonna mention." - eff it, give himshe the whole thing. Himshe took on toilet duty

"Once you reach a drinking age." - i recognize this now as a poke at how young she appears

expression one might have on watching males squabble over who'd earned first rights to slamming their tail in a door. - a bit long-winded but effective. I like it

sating umami coated her mouth. - what's a umami?

You okay? Haven't choked, have you?" - I'm having a hard time not letting my perverted adult mind run away with this scene. A challenge the first time. Extra amusing the second time around.

Do I come off as twirled to you?" - hiding in the dark slurping meat >.>

...you make the forest dizzy." - this whole conversation is the lawlz. Loved it :D

... twinkled, twirled, or madder than a monakie pleated on funny fruit, you are my--" isn't he a dear? Who'd have thought?

Bael's voice changed direction. - I like this keeping close perspective technique. Unapologetically going to borrow that for use somewhere o.O

I'll grant'ya it's na easy ta find ya'self changin' on the road - some more lawlz :D

silhouette of his hand rolling through the dark as if trying to catch the word, - ooo another good one. Great visuals


"Bael's age, then? Well tha's - I didn't figure age was what he'd been concerned about. But I suppose it does make sense. What is the age of consent for space aliens I wonder o.O

The tree creaked (with?) his standing

He didn't budge {from his spot.} - think this would be stronger without

slipping out (of?) her hold as he dropped his flank to the

Ya had me fooled, I'll grant'ya tha'." - he's handling the reveal remarkably well. In line with my perception of him, I expected he would. Hazear is a stoic one, in all ways it appears.

he asked, "

... - what? What is it? I'm left hanging again o.O

She wouldn't necessarily have to follow Haz and Kurzon into the woods to eavesdrop. She could easily talk someone else into it. Maybe even unintentionally. Kursa rey jumps to mind o.O that might be fun

Hitting the save on this one before something goes amiss.
HI5 and Turtle power!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 19-Feb-2021

Hazear goes quiet by --Turtle.
Chapter 109 of the book shhh

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Sorry this took a while. I didn't accomplish a damn thing while I was down -_- even after I'd mostly recovered, some mental haze wasn't letting me put coherent syllables together.
I liked this. It didn't lack for strong visuals or aayla-ness. Bit short though. A small part of a bigger whole. Long enough for her to wonder aloud the same things we're wondering while offering some sound ideas on what might be going through Hazear's troubled mind. I don't think it meandered too long, but it might've come close with triple Hazear compared to the pack animals.
Stuff along the way:

Hazear goes quiet - because he isn't usually quiet already :p

...across the road to lick at Aayla's shins. - I like this orienting paragraph. Really dialing it in here

High above the horizon, the dimming sky offered a bittersweet farewell to the day, taking all warmth with it. - this seems contradictory. If the sun is high above the horizon, how is it saying goodbye to the day? Does their sun just burn out and reignite later?

Except Hazear hadn't seemed angry about Zephin. Only wistfully concerned. - a fair and logical conclusion. I figure she's off the mark somehow. Curious to see how

carving a fresh trail through dust to rival the bolo's messy trotting. - think we might be overusing the comparison here. This is the third similar one

I'm not a boy. No need to be upset.- ironic the truth might be as bad if not worse

Before the barlik(.)

Would it hold true once she laid bare her deception? - I imagine it will. Probably stronger with her being female

Rey wanted his attention. Brother and sister were catching up on lost time. - I wonder how well she can understand without his translator

Frozik(he?) was likely talking to the older sentry, Regir. - I think for He would be fine here. We'd know it's Forzik she references. Interesting name

In Rey's case, her injuries required special care." - would the young chatty guy know this since he's young?

his unprompted words rang as true, untainted by the complications knowing details might imbue. - true, imbue, blue whoo whoooo

Meat! - that's what she said >.>

legs overriding, mind blanking to the empty shout from her belly. Meat. - amusing. inappropriate jokes aside, this is a very guy thing to do here. The singlemindedness speaks loudly

Bael and the lanky sentry had setup camp at a leveled pull-off on the left side of the road. - cheers from everyone! The roadside hero delivers meat into the needy!


Big HI5. On to the next!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 26-Jan-2021

empty by --Turtle.
Chapter 108 of the book shhh

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

All around fun stuff here. Clean visuals and interactions. Engaging conflicts and developments. Though I think the overcompensating romance boost hit its head on the ceiling and fell off the wagon :p
Am wondering how Hazear is going to digest what he thinks he saw. I'm expecting indigestion and some minor recoil. Goalpost touched! HI5 to that!

Stuff:
biting bugs that had dared glance at the private cove had been violently murdered before Rey had stepped foot out of her carriage. - laugh out loud funny. Extremely amusing. Loved this :D

Fname, the large, younger male sentry, and Rname, the - Lolz! Fname. Good one :p

...making 'uh-huh' type noises with its slobbery mouth. - why does this make me think of many a camping trip with young girls >.> My sisters and cousins when we were kids and my daughters now

not me, "would..." she waved at a pretend pile, whispering, "bury things." - lawlz. What an embarrassing predicament

"Um. Some of my friends call me ... Ah ... FFF--Frib? - ha. Fib with an R >.> Lia...r... Lieeaa...err. cough cough*

least he would whenever he returned... from wherever he went. - am curious about this too

and moving object not near she and Rey - much to like about this paragraph. Great stuff. I don't Imagine this as what gal pals going to the restroom together looks like >.>

Why must I be your designated squat-buddy, 'Lissa?" - all the lawlz



Wriggling slugs, envy-born, coated her hearts with an icky goo. - geeze there's an image o.O

Boys don't get sentry-grade squat seats, stupid. - true story, dude. Dudes don't squat to pee.

Only the softest leaf in all the wilds. "For cleanup." - ha. Makes me think of the goofy Charmin toilet paper commercials

wrist nub- gets a hyphen doesn't it?

A quick swat batted a harmless caterpillar off the log seat's lip before Rey could notice it crawling below her. - wonder if she'd do this with her tail for extra subtlety

over too soon. She stretched her arms over her head - 'over' and out, good buddy


A high leaf fluttered and fell, drifting in tailspins. Severed by breeze? Or just the weight of time? Aayla shook her head. - someone spying I expect. Most likely Kurzon

Thank you, Frib. You've been a great help. It's almost like you've done this before." - that name is appropriately ridiculous :p


A second crafted seat? Blocked from the road by the massive tree. - he made her a toilet? Awww. That's both endearing and rather weird o.O the thought that counts they say

grabbed a fistful (of?) cloth,

His gasp siphoned air from her lungs a moment before her mouth formed a seal. Cushioned heat canvased her lips, parting against her probing like the shore submitting to tide. A humid gust--his breath storming her cheek--blasted from his depths like she'd nailed him above the bellybutton. - great stuff here but it might be a bit much in one paragraph. I had to slow down and crawl over this to make connections.
Though I have been doing twelves and Jensyn hasn't been sleeping at night, so it could just be me >.>

Eyes closed, she ventured forward. Her reward was an intoxicating closeness, coating her tongue with the salty musk she'd been craving. His flavor. His heat. - a craving so strong she can forget her pinching bladder :D
Amusing this explosive reaction appears to be over the thoughtful crafting of a toilet seat

A large shape that didn't belong to trees or leaves. - lawlz. Busted! I temporarily forgot about this spy. Obviously isn't Kurzon, so has to be Hazear or Bael

"Lad." Hazear lifted his hand, massive arm straining, work-callused fingers parting as if he needed a bigger shield to blot out her sight. He spun away, swiping a gruffly growled, "Do na'." - dig this whole paragraph. I expect others would flag the 'swiping a gruffly growl' as hard to grasp or as a grammatical no-no, but I had no problem with it and think it effective.
The Lad tells us her cover is semi intact, if now skewed toward twirled.
Twirled <--- somehow this has gradually become my default phrase for gay o.O And then Maureen used this the other day when telling me about a gay character on one of her shows >.>

And finally I just plain apologize. - Turtle, outta know by now ya never have to apologize :p
I'll check out whatever you got and laugh with you when it takes a wacky left turn. And then promptly throw a flag at it for being something the average idiot might faceplant on :p which I expect you'd do the same.
This is a good example. While it amused the hell out of me, I'm not thinking the toilet romance should survive the first draft. Aayla is definitely overreacting (because of underdeveloped spots prior I think) for a thoughtful gesture. Maybe the idea can still get a mention somewhere along the line, but witnessing this bit probably wouldn't click with the standard target audience >.>
Is there some other reason Aayla and Kurzon can be alone for a moment here?

For the fake name, maybe a play on her brother and father's name since theirs are similar? Fabio! Or something of the ilk.

I don't believe Ive seen the name clip before. What's that from? Like something out of dumb and dumber. Pretty amusing.
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 23-Dec-2020

don't have to leave by --Turtle.

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Smooth continuation here. Glad to get a definitive direction and some solid resolution. Unless another complication falls in the way, it looks like we're headed for Calindra's keep while D name hoofs it back to Kurn with Rey's undying love confession. I expect this making impossible things happen to bring our love interests together for a moment somewhere in the near future. Maybe a lap dance from Kurzon to express his silent gratitude. I figure maybe that's how Aayla's gender reveal happens. A tender moment stumbled upon implying Kurzon is twirled (or Rey is getting too cozy with another dude o.O) forces Aayla to spill it.

Stuff:
Aario must have been dropped on his head to have fallen for me." - thoroughly I amused by this paragraph

you can't be the worst." - there's an interesting way to compliment everybody. Including herself :p

Face buried behind her thighs, - trying to conjure this image is very perplexing. The best I can come up with is a cat licking its own behind. I don't imagine that's what you were going for

a hopeful sound akin to the first whistles of wipperwings cowed silent by storms. - challenging to imagine anything called by storm being hopeful. This might need a little tweaking though I appreciate the attempt for originality

Thumb still resting (on?) [to] the back of his knife hilt - odd phrasing there. And noticeable change in behavior. She's doing significantly more admiring of Kurzon than any point in recent memory. I assume that mentioned moment between them in sections past has been made a thing

Her tongue worked her lips as if they'd been dusted by temptation - oOOo that's a good one

I never even asked for word of her. But it wasn't because I didn't... - sound reasoning and self imposed belief. A child's state of mind captured there

A young, slender moons' male stepped away from the provisions wagon. "Here." - all clean motion and visual cues through here. Great stuff

This is my fault." - am very amused to imagine ahead of time the messenger relaying this information directly as it's spoken :D I'd make her stipulate that it has to be word for word and she conveniently forgets to mention the message is from her so this messenger runs in and confesses his undying love for Aario. His priceless reaction...

it still seemed hard to believe the road could be that much faster. - I've no problem buying it >.>

Rey ... something to imply a bit of distress, then gathering of determination. - gaze falls. Searches the ground. Maybe locks on something relevant in the environment. Rises slow and steady. Dialogue?

He looked at Dealik. "When you're ready." -
Did Deaan just turn into dealik here?

her with a glow brighter (than?) Pinti.

You make impossible things happen.' - aw. That's cute

Looking for maybe bits of resolution here. Not sure if its too sudden, tho. - without a whole draft to judge, it's hard to fairly make that call. Keep chugging along

And hopefully there's enough parellel in Rey and Aayla that Aayla's resolutions make it so we won't need to see Rey's first hand to get an idea of how things might go, if I don't make it to the keep. - unless there's an unforseen complication on the horizon, it seems like Rey's part in the story could be left to parallel. Though this reader fully expected to end up at the keep at some point as a key destination for Kurzon and thus Aayla. Figured she'd head back home after whatever happened there. Just my loose expectation

Math...And hopefully those guys don't get murdered in their sleep. Repeat. - o.O that is some serious thought on a travel equation. I'll have to take your word for it on the veracity. Seems logical enough. Approximations tend to be good enough for me. Does the keep really have to be that far away?

an archaic divorce ritual for males who have no reason to live after angering their lifemate to divorce... Ha! - all the lawlz. That's barbaric

Well, that's all way more drama than I have time to even get any of those goal posts to make sense or fit in. But some of the ideas were fun. - no kidding o.O think the detour from the original concept benefitted both Aario and not Aario. That is broken marriage totem is some twisted stuff. My kinda thing :D

Big HI5
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 03-Dec-2020

Kursa Rey Talk cont by --Turtle.
Chapter 106 of the book shhh

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A solid continuation here. Getting lots of talking done and dragging little devils into the light. Certainly see the parallels in Aayla's parents and Rey's situation and how they were handled differently. A new angle for Aayla to study their dynamic and maybe understand a bit better. One more push to maybe take her back home.
Nothing really to throw a flag at here. Only minor thing I can think to mention is a bit more shadow falling on the romance element, but I expect you've got a remedy coming up soon.

Stuff:

His steps scraped graveled dirt, a weighted-down sound. - "didn't hear that, didn't hear that." :P

His name is well known, and Elder Dormin speaks it often." - oh. Is that all? Whew. Coulda gotten awkward there

"They even sound similar." - uhoh. Can still get awkward. Is she crushing on Daddy?

So you...?" - porked her dad? :D for all the lawlz

she shrugged, "I couldn't stop talking." - dodged that one o.O still treading scandalous water there. Just one dance away from 'ew'

Too much sacrificed, and too much at stake to risk you lifemating him." - oh no. No no we can't have girls falling in love. For the good of the species and ugly males everywhere >.>

No, no--I was... panicked."
- if that was panic, what does legit angry look like?

Her mouth dropped open. Gods, is she serious? - would claimed ignorance really spare anyone?

"So you left to protect him?" - I guess that makes sense in an odd way. Easier to storm off on a prego rampage than have to explain things... But didn't she Just find out that Aario knew?

Aayla clutched the space between her ears, fingers extended to catch the sanity slowly escaping her mind - heh I liked this

She lifted her hand the same as Bael had, with the air of all being explained. - so... It's a feelings blocker?

and the candle flew on its own. - in moments of rage, things tend to sprout wings all their own >.>

it shows how awful I am. - yeah it does. Empathy points here for being on the receiving list and of that irrational bullshit. Truth proven again and again only to be punished for a flawed perception. Insecurities suck.

"Claiming yourself worse than everyone isn't much different than declaring yourself better, if you think about it." - lawlz. Not what I was expecting her to say but it's true enough

Eh, not sure if Rey sells it. I believe her, tho. - I think it's coming through just fine. A very relatable situation there and typical reactions across the board. Sure to capture readers on either side of the scenario with authenticity.

HI5!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 25-Nov-2020

Kursa Rey talk time by --Turtle.
Chapter 105 of the book shhh

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Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Is Dormin dense enough to send a girl her mate's bloodied garments and expect it to help her feel better? I know they're alien-ish but gee >.>
Maybe Aayla can tear off the red bits to make it a little more presentable?
Otherwise this was solid. Think there was an opportunity in Aayla falling on Kurzon to potentially be expanded on. Could be the time between reads, but feels like they might need a togetherness tap. Had no trouble with the transition from Dormin to Rey. A logical move since she's dictating where the story goes from here, atleast in venue.

Stuff :
The only way Rey could be in Kurn was if she remained dead." - for any chance to save her... Still not getting why she kalindra doesn't have her own doctors on hand? Think we need some justification for why sending Rey away with an out of network doctor was the only option. Was she not paid up on her insurance?

A boggle of bad luck - I'm still not convinced he's as forthright as we've been led to believe. It's too much of a manipulator.

The gods' will." - not what I expected, but effective. Someone survives cancer and it's God's will. clever

That I ended up with his purpose. "That we made it to Kurn alive and together..." burned by the same conspiracy. - so she really believes it. Hard to refute

How nice we can blame the gods another young female suffers the road today." - totally that young girl's fault >.>


Bael bumped shoulders with a third Sentry, whispering something into his chest. - huh? Whispering something into his chest? Ya lost me. Is Bael admiring another dude's pectorals? Or carrying a chest around and whispering into it?

If Rey keeps crying as she is..." Elder Dormin said as she turned around - the 'as she' repeats close together tripped me here

Take these back to her." He lifted Aario's tattered wraps. "Her distress could drive this lot to killing each other. - ha. Here give the distraught wench the bloodied clothes of her lover before her whining drives everyone to lunacy >.>

Eyes slammed shut, one elbow wrapped around her head, time slowed against the inevitable clobbering of body and pride - an opportunity here for Kurzon to step in and create a fun awkward situation. Plus remind us their supposed to be a thing o.O

Kurzon - ha! I figured we were running the same direction

her memory of the chiseled terrain, it was his abdomen slathered across her face. - like ab jelly :D

Her words muffled as she bounced against him to the beat of his continued steps. - I gotch you, bro.
Very amused here

Her heartsEverywhere his skin touched hummed.

Unfortunately, he juggled her upright like a sack of logs and launched her forward. - amusing and short lived. Seems like they'd have a small moment here?


the tune sharp as a thorn to the back of an eyeball - not sure this works... Who would know what a prick to the back of an eyeball would feel like?

Jump out of the carriage and hope Kurzon caught her again. - I wonder if she'd get so lucky a second time o.O is Kurzon actively watching after her while all these things are going on? I expect so.

Gods, why am I so bad at this? - amusing. I pause to wonder at the wailing female effect on other females. It's just annoying to them? And to that effect, wouldn't Aayla's lack of typical reaction draw curious eyes?

"Aario's my brother!" - lawlz... Well I expect that'll get the job done. I liked this delivery

Allow for... Aayla just talked to Dormin, and now we are jumping forward to talk to Rey. - I would say it's feasible. She gets where she's going in an entertaining fashion. Can think of no better alternatives

Aayla is going from person to person claiming Aario as a brother. - it certainly amuses me. "Yea, that guy that saved my life and I broke his tail, he's my brother from another mother o.O
Also I used to be a girl. Now I'm a guy. Just pretend though. You know :p

HI5!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 16-Nov-2020

More Elder Dormin time by --Turtle.
Chapter 104 of the book shhh

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Smooth stuff. I'll say it again cause it's worth repeating: love the symmetry in AK's misguided motivators. I'm a bit fuzzy on the inherent implications of this reveal though so comprehension check:

Dormin and Moon crew are on a diplomatic mission in Calindra's Sun territory when the fire happens. Kursa Rey's saved by Eaas and given to Dormin. Calindra allows him to take her in an effort to save her, the likelihood not promising. So Dormin takes her back to Moons territory in secret while Calindra deploys the Sentry to "keep the peace and prevent eclipsing".
The confusing bit is why? Assuming I've got all that right, why give her daughter over to a moons doctor? Wouldn't she have her own equivalent?

I'm curious to meet this Calindra matriarch and see all of this stuff spill into the light. Only minor concern is it feels like the romance element is getting overshadowed by the other story elements. Nothing to fret over in the first draft. Onward!

Stuff:
Elder Dormin shoved a half-filled cup at her as soon as she finished scaling the moving carriage - sequence of actions is off here. Intentional?

and it loaded her arm down to her lap. - I like this paragraph. Effective in giving us her state and the images

Now her instincts screamed he was involved in Kursa Rey's being in Kurn - her turmoil coming in strong here. Is she silly enough to lick the hot pot a second time? I expect she's learned caution where Dormin is concerned. Even if her suspicions were in the realm of truth, would he be honest? I expect so, and then he'll have some justification for it to mollify her. He's a crafty one

Only the Elders of the time entered the Keep. By the time we'd arrived in the suns' - time repeat here

and said, "With a companion." - about here I wonder if he is twirled. That'd be amusing and make an odd sort of sense

Gha." His speckle-blush darkened. The carriage hit a grove, and he tugged the bolo beasts left - a grove? Or a groove?

Old, and cranky. - amusing how a greatany of have one of these. An older person or relative we can't imagine ever being young. Empathy points awarded

"His hearts were always bigger than he was." - great paragraph. A new dimension to Dormin. Am wondering what happened to Eaas

Then it was Eaas who went into the fire?" - ah. He didn't survive that fire


'She's hurt.'" - ooo super strong there. All around. Nice to see Dormin really cared about someone too

ages of unspent tears locked behind a cloudy glare. - appreciated the whole paragraph but this was the highlight. Really selling it


"And I'd do it the same way again - because it's an overpowering natural protocol or by choice I wonder.

Understanding. That is up to you." - it was validated. Calindra I expect...but why?

Parents don't plan for the untimely spills." - lawlz. All the ways this applies. Conception to everything afterward

The resulting cough brought vile flavors back to her tongue. - brought? Frowny face. Something stronger here. Coated? Poisoned? Flagellated?

"To keep the gods' peace. And to prevent unwanted eclipsing." - lost me on what this is trying to say

Elder Dormin turned into a bobble head. With all his head tilting. - was going to mention that but you're aware already o.O motions with the head are always a challenge

Kurzon's entire quest kind of echoes the embarrassing overreaction of Aayla's decision to learn the truth the hard way. - oh right... Kurzon is on an unsanctioned quest. Lost that detail somewhere. Blame the time gaps. But I like the symmetry there. Very nice.

HI5 :)
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 05-Nov-2020

Bael chatter by --Turtle.
Chapter 103 of the book shhh

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Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted


Sounds like you have the visual in your mind. Definitely needs to be woven into the scene as you have it written, but for a draft this worked fine. it serves forward momentum physically though it does seem like she's rehashing what's already happened. Only real new info here is new to Bael about her brother. I see the males roll with whatever the females say thing, though I'm not sure where it's going. Figuring there's a point wanting to be made somewhere along the line. Still wondering where it is they are heading. Is calindras keep in close proximity to Kurn?

Stuff:

was lift, drag her foot, step, and repeat. - something about this is off. If she's lifting her foot, how is she dragging it? Think one of those needs to go

She needed a break, and she wasn't alone. - huh. And Kursa is still on the move? That's impressive. Or did I miss her getting into a cart?

{Some distance ahead, Kurzon trekked beside Rey's wagon like the backlashes of victory had sapped his will, too.} - I like this. Vote for the keep. Also answers the misplaced Rey bit.

'bolo kak', but his mouth twisted like she'd served him a spoonful. - ha. Great stuff here. I liked this

"He must have deserved it. Females have reasons for these things." - ha safe logic. Very amused by this

Counting stars during the day might be easier than fathoming female motive. - when did Bael grow to be the wise philosopher o.O he seems to have inexplicably matured here.

You say Kursa Rey knew, and this Elder up ahead knew, and the Elderesses, all knew, too, but her lifemate should not have known? Why?" - good question. What kind of a secret is it when most everyone knows?

{something to indicate he is carefully considering the information and not liking the outcome. Then a beat to disregard it all.} - looks up at the sky then shakes his head or seats at the air? Pick something up from the environment, break it and discard the pieces when they can't be reassembled?

Elder Dormin had been brutally honest - a fair assessment. Aayla's awareness and logical thought processes are noticeably improving, making for a good sense of progression

The sheer indignity he exhibited on Rey's accusing him of orchestrating it stirred doubt. - I expect Dormin did orchestrate most if not all of it. I equate him to something of a mad scientist. Any means to accomplish the end result. Sacrifices must be made!

An eclipsed male in Rieken Calindra's Keep, even a baby..." - would be like a jew living among nazis o.O

"I believe that's you? Holding his walking staff?" - hey you, stick boy!

HI5 :)

Comment Written by Razaz3l on 22-Oct-2020

It's complicated by --Turtle.
Chapter 102 of the book shhh

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Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Strong continuation here, Turtle. We're on the move and managed it peacefully. I'm still kinda foggy on why there would've been trouble beyond being of different purpose/destiny, but who ever really needed a reason. I'm left to wonder where we're headed next. Does Kursa even want to face her family? And if she doesn't, where is she to go from here? If I'm getting it right, she's a stolen princess found in a foreign kingdom when political relations are already on the rocks. Bad news for Kurzon's crew and Aayla by extension. A fun little aside with Bael here.


Stuff along the way:

but Bael's [sudden grip on her arm] yanked her back. - eh. Maybe just Bael yanked her arm or hooked her elbow. Simplify and lose the sudden

{{A release of his bottled lightning added singeing power to his}}}: "Never do that again." - overload or spark? singed his: "no no", shocking or jolting her with its... sincerity? Concern?

prerogative to protect the younger blood." - aw she really spooked her adopted big bro. Endearing. And amusing for what he doesn't yet know. Really amping the inevitable discovery. Destined to be a fun one.

His face darkened three shades of green. "Kiss you?" - well that's unexpected o.O if he's at all suspicious of the truth, he's had an impressive poker face

"So if you treat me like a female in need of rescue, I might as well act the part." - amusing. Didn't expect he'd figured it out nor has there been any cue he might be getting soft...er hard?...for little brother. It makes perfect sense he might be a little miffed she stepped on his big hero brother toes.

{He looked awful.} - one o those take it or leave its. Think I'd leave it for the emphasis

only to be grappled around the neck and dragged along the road in a side embrace, her legs slow to keep up.- I enjoyed this exchange. Very brotherly and effective

"I killed it with a cliff." - amusing. I'd totally add 'to the face' in there for some added boasty points

He laughed, {an honest and pleasant sound} - unburdened or somehow lightened? Think honest works but the pleasant could give the wrong idea.

Bael's understandably peeved? - yeah I believe all that comes through strong and clear. Makes good logical sense

Admit she's destined for the bench.
Also... Kursa Rey is on the road. - check and check. Nailed those milestones


On to the next!
With a HI5 :D
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 17-Oct-2020

Dusting off frostbite... by --Turtle.
Chapter 101 of the book shhh

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Alright it was good to get back into this. Entirely too long. Though easy to fall back into stride. Like seeing a movie you haven't seen in years and realize you still know the scenes and dialogue like you'd just watched it yesterday.
Smooth reading through here. Had no problem resurrecting the scene, characters and moving parts. I believe this accomplished what it's meant to. Fuck yeah for progress! I'd jabble on but it's time to get back to work...

As read:

Up front: yay!! Rock on (throwing the Dragon Horns of rock)

and Kursa Rey ends up ... mega freaking out leaving.: Yeap, i remember all this

Sanely dominant, but not ego driven. ; ) : Buyable. Explains the emphasis on dance and birth and peaceful resolutions with little to no bloodshed.

adding moss and sunlight to his stony edges. - I'm not sure what this means. Are we going for color a comparison here?

"Is that not true?" - Comp check. Their on the wrong side of the tracks, both of them, in a place that isn't welcoming but not exactly overtly hostile either. Here the Eldress is giving them a peaceful way to leave?

You may go now.: Well isn't she the tactful leader? Good thing for our heroes

A terse ripple: can a ripple be terse?

glanced over her shoulder, toward the path Blu had earlier escorted Aario (down? Or maybe along?) not so long ago, and a breath fluttered in her lungs.

. "Nature's curse. The land pull's curse. A curse in a curse!" - this amused me

And the wraps Blu brought? Were they...?
- yeah Im curious about this too. Cutting most off doesn't sound good at all

He looked angry. And confused. And... and...
- I can't recall why Hazear might be angry but I like the internals through here

An overwhelming want to run (to) him quickened her pace as the large metal hinges squealed an almost celebratory sound in their closing. - it's alive like something from the beauty n beast story :p ' be gone intruders! And stay out!'


strangle her himself. - Bael and Hazear. Mountain man and his snappy pal. I remember

"What in the gods' peace is goin' on - wouldn't Gods' and probably Peace be capped?

"Here we are." - amused balls

Is tha' true? What the lad says? It's her, and we're ta just ... go?"
- a rival city has had their princess, presumably hostage, and her would be savior's are lost in the sauce. Totally understandable

her christening the exit offering a version of neutral truth.
- check. Picked up on that no problem

but I wonder if the Elderess should even show him that, or if I should let her keep the power of a moons'female voice over a suns'male hidden. It's not like it'd be useful, perhaps. Especially if it's known ahead of time.
- I'm not sure I'm interpreting this right. Show moon female has power over sun's male?
If so, I don't think it's inherently necessary as most people are like to assume female dominance in all territories unless specified. That'd be my expectation anyway

that the Sentry would need Rieken Calindra's voice telling them to attack to offset the Elderess's voice telling them not to. Else, the slaughter he envisioned might look a little different.
- though after you mention this, I think it is necessary to display MF power over SM so we understand why a direct order to attack would be completely halted. The assumption of female dominance wouldn't naturally span quite that far


HI5!
Comment Written by Razaz3l on 06-Oct-2020


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