Ways Of The World - A Prolog
by Jason Polliard
Chapter 1 of the book NOT OURS TO KNOW - A Rime In Prose
I enjoyed this opening salvo. t has a distinct tone and it's hard to settle into, which I think it the intent.
I made some notes as I read through-
A chapter in the book NOT OURS TO KNOW - A Rime In Prose- should rime be rhyme here? Rime is a word in its own right (frosty) which doesn't seem to fit the context. As the title and description line are the first things which folk see, they really need to be spot on.
a thirty-something year-old first lieutenant- Ii would tend to be a bit more specific abut the age. There's a world of difference in nine years. Even early or mid 30s would be more revealing.
Watch your sentence structure. you use a lot of long-winded and lengthy sentences which carry a lot of information. too many of these, especially close together can set a cadence in the read whereby the reader doesn't really take in what has been written but just sort of goes with the flow or rhythm.
Some of the lengthy descriptions draw more attention to the writer than the write.
plain where the albino (corpse?) said to meet.- the significance of corpse is lost on the reader.
and his new reality begins to dawn on him as his eyes adjust to the virtual twilight:- may be better to end here with a full stop / period rather than the colon given a new paragraph follows.
"Come now, Phil," Carlton begins, waxing indignant, "I have no need of filthy, stinking animals! It's bad enough I have to deal with your kind. Look around in case you missed it, lieutenant.
"Miss Liddy always provides."- probably no necessity here for a new paragraph. (few other places too within Carlton's dialogue)
There's a tendency in some places to rely on adverbs. Not too bad in itself but when they come, they tend to clump together which makes them stand out. Just something to be aware of.
There's the occasional slip into clichÃ© - devil in the details, money has money, greed is king - which sits at odds with the rest of the piece.
Thanks to the windborne dust and a spooked burro, Jorge was separated from his travelling companions earlier that morning, and he had travelled alone all day along the old carriage trail, planning to meet his brother in Organ on the morrow after sheltering here for the night. - this feels like a sudden change in perspective here. Up to this point, it's all centred on Phil and now we're with Jorge. It's a little jarring.
The 'knowing' attitude of the narrator is a little grating and lifts the reader out of the tale when it occurs.
All the best
Comment Written by giraffmang on 04-Jun-2020