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giraffmang

What she knew Part 1 by oliver818

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very nice first part here. I've been hoping you'd take on a longer piece to see what you can with this. it's a perfect stopping point and the story develops well.

The previous evenings booze-fueled events- evening's, I think.

The transition from his initial perceptions to the reality in the opening paragraphs is very well done.

small wafts of steam coming off my clothes. The words on the menu wafted in and out of view, - I think I'd go for drifted or swam for the second usage of waft/wafted to avoid the near repetition.

her smile faded slightly. Her eyes seemed to shimmer, and then they rolled slightly - there's a sight tendency to rely on adverbs and they tend to come close together. Also, be careful of using the same ones.

I said, rubbing my hands on my trouser. - trousers.

"I'm Chris, her friend from, um, Scotland." - she called him Tim, but he thinks he's Andy, so this must be an inadvertent name change.

Comment Written by giraffmang on 17-Nov-2019

one snowy morning by judester

Excellent
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Hi there,

I would have loved to have seen this developed a bit more. Some more suspense and drawing the plot out more. There's no word limit on the competition.

full~time free spirit and part time writer.- might be better to hyphenate part-time as you do with full-time.

On his feet were sturdy black shoes with shiny buckles. He stood proudly beside a black cauldron filled with shiny gold coins. - I would suggest maybe using gleaming or polished for buckle to avoid the repetition of shiny.

"Here you go Missy. My word is my bond. One pot of gold for you catching me unawares! - need closing speech marks here.

Comment Written by giraffmang on 17-Nov-2019
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Remerge by Harley Dayman Rayne Quinn

Good
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Hi there,

It may be an idea t try to rework this a little to make it a little less passive.

Had & was is utilised a fair bit and leads to telling.

The tense also isn't entirely consistent.

The noise and people were freaking out, - how was the noise 'freaking out'?

And as I God as my Withness - this needs a bit of editing I think.

The piece starts in past tense and then turns to present and then back to past.

hits or likes on there to video social media platforms. - their.

. She made it around the corner and slammed into a Policewoman - need end punctuation here.

It is a little confusing as to what exactly is going on. the reader really needs to have something more to go on.

All the best
GMG
Comment Written by giraffmang on 15-Nov-2019

one midsummer's night by Eleanor Frances

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

I enjoyed this nonet. You did a good job wrangling those titles into the required format. It's a rare skill to achieve poems of this nature.

very nicely done.
GMG
Comment Written by giraffmang on 14-Nov-2019

Attempted by oliver818

Excellent
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Hi there,

Another very good piece. The attention to detail is excellent throughout and there's a great tone to this. It's languid and melancholic in places but very engaging.

on the bruise Julia, my daughter had tried - perhaps a comma after daughter.

Comment Written by giraffmang on 14-Nov-2019

The stranger waltz by oliver818

Excellent
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Hi there,

This is a very nice little piece. You've managed to take one of those annoying, mundane occurrences and turn it into something more, almost a beautiful thing. Not an easy task.

I think you can get away with the poetic licence and hopefully this one will do well.

All the best
G
Comment Written by giraffmang on 14-Nov-2019

On the hilltop by oliver818

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Another very good little piece.

Her breathe was hot on his face - breath.

The rough ground under his jacket which he had spread out under them, - perhaps change one of the uses of under to beneath to avoid repetition.

where his shirt has slid up.- maybe had rather than has to preserve the tense.

You have a fantastic skill for setting a scene. Beautifully well-realised.

"Are you having a good time," he asked,- maybe a question mark in here.

He awoke an hour later, unable to breath,- breathe.

As he drove, thick streams of water covering the windscreen.- covered would be better, I think.

and he closed his eye, a deafening- eyes?

All the best
G
Comment Written by giraffmang on 13-Nov-2019

I'm Writing Santa! by sunnilicious

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Oh dear, looks like it's that time of the year again... lol

Well this is spot on syllable count-wise and it's a fun little entry.

best of luck
GMG
Comment Written by giraffmang on 13-Nov-2019

On Fire by Sefiros
Prologue of the book Tests

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

I enjoyed this post. It's solid and sets up the workings of this world without being too exposition-heavy. The characters are established well and the tone is spot on.

A few things I jotted down as I read through-

its' poisonous stench fouling everything - the possessive form of it is its without the apostrophe.

Good solid opening, piquing the interest of the reader from the off.

. In seconds both were slinking into the distance. The Coicro were left choking on their dust. - I think I'd look to omit one of the uses of 'were' in these sentences. Maybe something like - . In seconds both were slinking into the distance; the Coicro left choking on their dust.

There's the occasional tendency to name the senses which can lead to more of a telling nature than a showing one.

I suppose the fire has served its' purpose. - same as before - its.

kingdom's capital and its' citizens. - and again.

Thrown to the wolves. Mykel shook his head. He'd been called worse. - these sentences don't gel too well together. he's not really being called 'thrown to the wolves' I think a better following line would be 'He'd heard worse'. The last line as it is would gel better with something like 'Cripple. He's been called worse.'

Time to see what the damage had done. - this seemed a tad off to me as well. Time to what damage was wrought (or done), perhaps. or what damage had been done.

All the best
GMG
Comment Written by giraffmang on 13-Nov-2019

A Day to Remember by Alex Rosel

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Hi Alex,

Very nice work with this one, especially with the tight word allowance.

It's hard to comprehend that the last guillotining in France was after Star Wars in the cinemas in 1977! Seems like it should have been much longer ago than that.

Good stuff and best of luck. Should do well.
G
Comment Written by giraffmang on 12-Nov-2019


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