Jane Struck A String
by OLA THOMAS
Chapter 5 of the book Little Jane, Mighty Wonders!
I am giving this five stars for the story, which means you in fact created a good chapter, and it could also likely stand alone itself. There are some things however I would like to suggest.
**As Gaffe was driving back home from Preston, he observed that a swarm of yellow butterfly was on the trail of his car. Driving at 80 km per hour, the swarm of butterfly** - swarm and butterfly is redundant here, i suggest tightening this up, perhaps something like (As Gaffe drove back home from Preston, he observed that a swarm of yellow butterfly was on the tail of his car. Driving at 80 kilometers per hour, the swarm was still able to match the speed of his car)
**Immediately Gaffe edged the car into the garage** - Comma after immediately.
*Marilyn outwardly remained indifferent to all the happenings around her now, but she inwardly engaged her mind trying to unravel the mysteries, the oddities surrounding Jane. Unfortunately the harder she tried, the more confused she became.** - We are observing this chapter from Gaffe's viewpoint, so I feel you can completely remove this entire paragraph altogether. We shouldn't know what is going on in Marilyn's head, neither should Gaffe.
**"I'd like dad to read me a story from toddler's story book," she said.
Holding her mother's hand playfully she added, "Mom, go and take a nap."** - We can tighten this up with something like. ("I'd like dad to read me a story from toddler's story book." Holding her mother's hand, she playfully added, "Mom, go and take a nap.")
**He asked, "Can I talk to your mom about..."
Jane cuts in, "Save your energy. She's privy to everything I told you, by induction."**
So an elipse's is used for omission of words, in this case you want the interruption instead. You can also eliminate the access filter words that are not needed this way. Example below.
"Can I talk your mom about-"
"Save your energy. She's privy to everything I told you, by induction" - We know who's saying what, and we now know there was an interruption, eliminating the need to tell the reader she cut in.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 16-Aug-2015