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JaseDR85

Jane Struck A String by OLA THOMAS
Chapter 5 of the book Little Jane, Mighty Wonders!

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I am giving this five stars for the story, which means you in fact created a good chapter, and it could also likely stand alone itself. There are some things however I would like to suggest.

**As Gaffe was driving back home from Preston, he observed that a swarm of yellow butterfly was on the trail of his car. Driving at 80 km per hour, the swarm of butterfly** - swarm and butterfly is redundant here, i suggest tightening this up, perhaps something like (As Gaffe drove back home from Preston, he observed that a swarm of yellow butterfly was on the tail of his car. Driving at 80 kilometers per hour, the swarm was still able to match the speed of his car)

**Immediately Gaffe edged the car into the garage** - Comma after immediately.

*Marilyn outwardly remained indifferent to all the happenings around her now, but she inwardly engaged her mind trying to unravel the mysteries, the oddities surrounding Jane. Unfortunately the harder she tried, the more confused she became.** - We are observing this chapter from Gaffe's viewpoint, so I feel you can completely remove this entire paragraph altogether. We shouldn't know what is going on in Marilyn's head, neither should Gaffe.

**"I'd like dad to read me a story from toddler's story book," she said.

Holding her mother's hand playfully she added, "Mom, go and take a nap."** - We can tighten this up with something like. ("I'd like dad to read me a story from toddler's story book." Holding her mother's hand, she playfully added, "Mom, go and take a nap.")

**He asked, "Can I talk to your mom about..."
Jane cuts in, "Save your energy. She's privy to everything I told you, by induction."**

So an elipse's is used for omission of words, in this case you want the interruption instead. You can also eliminate the access filter words that are not needed this way. Example below.

"Can I talk your mom about-"
"Save your energy. She's privy to everything I told you, by induction" - We know who's saying what, and we now know there was an interruption, eliminating the need to tell the reader she cut in.


Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 16-Aug-2015

Ava's Plant by Setter
Chapter 6 of the book Facing Superhawk

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Excellently written. You have a good grasp on showing vs telling, and your dialog is very nice and snappy. It flows very smooth. There is also a good amount of action during the dialog to make the characters feel alive. Nicely done.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Jul-2015

Marriage and Separation by Benjamin Valencia
Chapter 10 of the book Meeting Lucifer; The story of us

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Yet another nicely crafted chapter you have here, and once again the beautiful imagery of Damian versus the Devil in this respectable banter comes to life. Nicely done.

One thing that I would maybe suggest, and I know this will be quite the pain to do, if you decide to take the suggestion. But make Elan's dialog, his words without italics. I think it would read stronger to keep the italics for the devil. Just a suggestion one might consider. While I don't get confused by it, some readers would.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Jul-2015

The River by strick72
Chapter 1 of the book The River (Working Title)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very nicely crafted chapter. You have a very good grasp of showing vs telling, a very, very good grasp. And your dialog is very snappy and back and forth, laced with the right amount of action for the characters to be alive during. Nicely done.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Jul-2015

Squikners and Explosions by sylvernyght
Chapter 2 of the book Shards of the Crystal Rose

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I see fantasy I automatically gravitate toward it. Very well written, very good use of showing vs telling, and very snappy back and forth dialog with action in between to make them characters that are alive, and not coardboard cutouts. Excellent job.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Jul-2015

No Luck With That by Showboat
Chapter 16 of the book Stalked

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Oh my goodness. Powerful. As a veteran myself I can honestly say these are some of the fears we have as we watch the country we fought for not so long ago start to dissolve at such rapid paces. It's scary, this story is scary. Very well written as well, and I was hoping for a book!
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Jul-2015

Part 1: The Welcoming Chapter 2 by lovepenguins1984
Chapter 1 of the book Silent Hill: The Revisit

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nicely crafted chapter you have early in your book. There are a lot of visuals in the interior thoughts, and it makes it easier to read with those in place so it isn't dull and hard to get through. Your dialog is nice and snappy and easy to follow as well. Great work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 16-Jul-2015

The Spy by Shirley McLain
Chapter 22 of the book Princess Adele's Dragon

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very nicely written chapter. You have a great grasp on showing vs telling, and your dialog is very snappy and back and forth. I never found myself confused on who was talking, and what was being said. Keep up the fantastic work!
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 16-Jul-2015

Charlie and the Scorned Woman by Green Lake Girl

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nicely written story. You have a particular talent I am jealous of, writing in this particular POV. I enjoy reading it, but for some odd reason I absolutely despite writing it. I can't give you an explanation to why that is, but know I am jealous. Nicely crafted story, great dialog. Great visuals. Nicely done!
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 16-Jul-2015

Matthew--11 by mlittleton

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nicely crafted. Great visuals. I know a majority of it is large contexts of Dialog, and while it isn't all the important overall, where it is placed immediately stuck me in the eyes.
I felt chills melting through me and we had only started. - Everytime I see felt i moan. This can be tighter with just removing I felt. (Chills melted through me and we had only started)
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 16-Jul-2015


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