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JanPerry

What if, by Mary Vigasin

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You have put a lot of energy and work into your poem. Your mother only lived for seven years, how sad for you. The repeated line seems unnecessary. 36 years certainly is too young for anyone.
I had a mother for 82 years before she succumbed to cancer. I don't think she wanted to go on anyway. Having her through my childhood was invaluable, but after that I was too independent to bother her.
I hope you are happy in your choices.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 23-Sep-2020

Unsettled by Peter Henrich

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Oh wow, Peter. I almost fainted when I read your piece. It shows outstanding forethought and eloquence. It sounds like a perfect starting line for a great book. That's if you can keep the lune going that is.
I hope you continue doing lune poetry for us to read! Fab..u..less!
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020

The Blame Game by LisaMay

Excellent
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It's not particularly famous people who who play the "blame game." It is bigoted, self interested people who blame others for their downfall. I hate it when that happens. I always look at myself before accusing others. It's easy to blame others for your own mistakes in life - don't do it!
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Kindred One by Drew Delaney

Excellent
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Beautiful sentiments which rhyme in AbAb fashion. "If clouds form cone" is poor English. I know you are trying to keep to four syllables here.

"At last I know I'm not alone, when clouds all clone, or waters rise up to the skies."
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020

Lunchtime Chat by ImaginosBuzzardoDesdinova
Chapter 4 of the book Lost Christobel Book 3

Good
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I'm sorry I don't know what Ext. means at the beginning of your script. I don't enjoy fantasy as a rule but your dialogue is fun between the two beings. "little eyas?" What is an eya? I know fantasy stretches the truth but not understanding things makes it hard to read.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020

Kiss Me by Margaret Bednar

Good
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I do like the ideas put across and the pic is great! The words express vanity on the girl's part. I'm sure she will miss him. I know this type of poem with 1/6/1 syllables is very tricky and would take a lot of careful consideration.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Sam and Paige nurse script P56 by MCLII1987

Good
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Okay. It's too short but nevermind.

"learn how to respect me, then we'll talk" would sound better.
"Your poor communication isn't my problem" is another one.
(Sam thinking) "I fucked up big time."

Paige's tone sounds very angry. If Sam is disabled he might stutter or leave out words as he is disadvantaged. Just my ideas for your script.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020

Static by tfawcus

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Highly commended. Your use of English in this prose is outstanding. Well done on an intellectual insight of static electricity. I like communication interference as a reference to static. A deep insight indeed. Thank you.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020

Alone With Your Essence by Poetic Friend

Good
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I'm confused. Why do you wish u could say you're glad she's gone? Does the pain of missing someone perturb u? The bed yawns from insufficient feelings?
That's funny but quite strange.
There seems a lack of coherence on your part. As though she wasn't worth any trouble at all.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 27-May-2020

Party Month by Sharon Haiste

Excellent
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I love the alliteration in your ABC poetry.
So it goes A,B,C then M. Cindy was busy doing all the catering while all the others drank wine. Good one!
Making March memorable.
Comment Written by JanPerry on 17-Mar-2020


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