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Robert Louis Fox

FanStory Tutorial - Part Four by Gloria ....

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This is an excellent presentation: concise, clear, organized. The illustrations are excellent and easy to understand. The step by step format demonstrates knowledge of the process being explained. Perhaps this tutorial can be pinned somewhere so it can be easily referrenced. Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 16-May-2016

A Short Goodbye by jmdg1954

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This work has reached the exceptional level

Sorry to see you go. Appreciate the bucks gifts to us all. You've probably already thought about staying on as a reviewer. Good luck with the things you're doing instead. Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 16-May-2016

Rae-Bob in the Bayou--Pt 3 by humpwhistle

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Cripe. You need an agent! I can't believe there aren't TV and movie producers ready and willing to pay big bucks for the sort of characters and ongoing storylines that seem to flow so effortlessly from you. I'm sure it's not effortless, but you must at the least admit you're prolific. And it's not just the rich characters and compelling story ideas, you are brilliant at interweaving issues and relationships. Sure, compared to the real world of writing, there's much less personal risk and not a lot of challenge to being the king of FanSpace. Maybe you're receiving compensation, but I keep asking myself, man, what are you doing here?
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 16-May-2016

The Sunday School Teacher by Margaret Ford

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A short story, or any story for that matter, should start with a hook. I'm sure you agree. Your first paragraph is well composed and introduces the main character. This is good, but then it tells us the moral of the story right at the beginning. You've spilled the beans. The reader already knows what the outcome is going to be without reading the rest of the story. That's not a hook, it's a summary. It tells instead of showing us. It tells us the answer to the story before we get a chance to read it and see for ourselves.

You might test this observation by asking your self what your story would be like if you just started it at the 2nd paragraph. You will have created a challenge for your protagonist without already having answered it. The reader needs to continue to find out that it was a strange occurrence. Trust your readers to be able to make this observation themselves--especially if you've written the scene well; and I'm sure you can, because beyond the opening, your story evolves a good conflict, has a climax, and then a reasonable resolution. Well done--especially for only using a 100 words. Keep up the good writing. Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 13-May-2016
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Of Peace and Responsibility by rama devi

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I like the way you establish the preferred future, then show a dangerous and threatening menace to that preferred future. The resolution weaves us back in to the folds of hopefulness by conveying optimistic moralism.
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 13-May-2016

Heart of Courage by DonandVicki

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Your first sentence is a summary. With it you are telling us how we should feel about what we are about to read. Telling this us takes the fun out of being show a good story. Consider starting your story with the 2nd sentence. It's stronger and has action and shows instead of tells--and doesn't spill the beans right off the bat.

In your second paragraph, you again summarize--TELLING us what has caused the crisis. Why not show us? You could even begin you story showing us the disaster and the tipping point of the crisis. After all, short story writing 101: Start strong. Start with action. Introduce the main character. Right?

This is a good story with a worthwhile message. From the 3rd paragraph on you do a fine job of writing in a style that shows us the story, the action, and the evolution of your characters: after your protagonist gives up, your impact character must grow in stature and take charge. After the climax your impact character has won greater confidence and your protagonist has grown in outlook. Well done, especially doing so with so few words.

I can see by your writing of the rest of the story that you have the talent to write a better beginning with a good hook and reasons to immediately sympathize with your characters.

Keep up the good writing! Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 13-May-2016

Dead Serious by Dean Kuch

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The plot of this story is about being confronted by the Grim Reaper. The plot is completely driven by the dialogue. The dialogue is crisp and believable with a touch of humor: irony (expecting Elvis) and pun: (missing the fairy) and irony (chop, chop). Keep up the good work. Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 12-May-2016
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Miami Moon by humpwhistle

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This is good writing. The dialogue is clear and colorful without being extravagant. Descriptions are efficient and the story moves like a television episode. Fun to read. There is tension from start to finish eased here and there with well placed humor. The style is good.

Let me ask about the 5th paragraph. You say: while he languished. While who languished? Johnny The Goat? The antecedent is unclear.

Also, the first paragraph is a summary, nicely crafted, but feels like it's there for it's own sake. It robs the eventual revelation that this is a one way trip. Why not start with the Chrysler's and preserve the dramatic effect? If you love that line, it could be used well elsewhere without giving away your thunder.

I liked this piece and enjoyed reading it. Could easily be part of a larger work--the backstory added dimension and texture and even elicits sympathy. Skilled. Keep up the good work! Good luck in the contest. Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 11-May-2016
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Coffee Time by edieas

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I like the start: right to the action, right to the protagonist!

Beautiful imagery in your prose. Very poetic. Metaphorically profound. I love the internal monologue. Also am wowed by the parallel story structure--showing through comparison--a delicious device.

Maybe your story climaxes a little too quickly. You've got us interested in this character, caring, then with a brief mention of incest and a broken family with an alcoholic mother and it's over. I think you could stretch the timeline here and explore the emotions more deeply--maybe with continued projection through the nameless comparison. Anyway, that's my constructive reflection for you. Does it mean what you've written is bad or a mistake. Absolutely not! This is excellent writing. I just felt myself wanting more. Keep up the great work!

Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 09-May-2016

The Exam by sage17611
Chapter 1 of the book Longing For The Glare

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

No problem here with your construction sentences and paragraphs.

In short story writing, consider starting strong with action. Your story starts with a summary, and info-dump if you will, describing your attractive protagonist. Consider making it active; for example, perhaps she is standing in front of a mirror looking at herself and the description becomes an interior monologue; or maybe she's comparing herself to a magazine model, or even a picture she had seen of the doctor's wife--something that changes your start from passive to active. Maybe she touches herself and you lay in a fantasy that shows the doctor. I'm sure you've heard the adage: Don't tell, show! How much of the first half of your story is in tell mode?

What is the crisis here? Does she have a personal tipping point? Anesa gives herself over to her desires, but she has already decided (tipped) she has the hots for the doctor and would if she could. Maybe she's worried about being 35, beautiful, and frigid. Something...

There is tension and anxiety. This is good. Did you purposely choose not to use dialogue? You might consider using dialogue (friend, receptionist, telephone--lot's of possibilities) as a device to develop the tension instead of just telling us about it. Maybe you start the story showing us Anesa dressing and choosing provocative clothing.

I like the erotic portion of the story. I think you could stretch the timeline there if you wanted--show us more. Involve all the senses. Maybe there is a close call with one of the nurses in the office finding them. It's the best part. So why not make the climax longer?

I enjoyed your story. Keep up the good work! Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written by Robert Louis Fox on 07-May-2016


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