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cterp

Leaving Bushkin's Farm by Mastery
Chapter 21 of the book Falling Up The Stairs

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Finally--they're out of there.

A true saga of a chapter.

I picked up a couple of oddities:

He and Brain //Brian

He heard Mrs. Bushkin came out of her room. //come


He rushed to got dressed //get

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

The Time Before - That Time: Part 12 by sandramitchell
Chapter 25 of the book This Time - That Time

Excellent
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Interesting chapter, full of fascinating details. I love all of this fretting about going back and forth between time periods and how to touch things--the physics of it all.

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Wings by mfowler
Chapter 29 of the book Valerie: Through the Looking Glass

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Excellent job carrying the butterfly metaphor throughout the chapter. I notice that Valerie somehow failed to mention that Trixie was also conveniently sober and ready to swoop down to claim her parental rights! We love a good plot twist!

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Anywhere But Here--Chapter 30 by Spiritual Echo
Chapter 30 of the book The Night Watchman

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Captivating chapter in a book where you have kept each chapter fascinating, teasing the reader with the is he/isn't he riddle of werewolves. Just one thing doesn't read right to me, and that is when you describe Laila as being left by the dogs with the "scent of poor hygiene" in her nose. Byron would never allowhis dogs to have poor hygiene. They would have good hygiene, just doggy smell, which is slobber smell.

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Nurse Felicity Dillyard by Jacqueline M Franklin
Chapter 20 of the book I Promise You--Someday and Forever

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Lots happening in a transition chapter. A whore decides to turn her life around. A gang decides to split town. A husband realizes the depth of his love for his two wives. And there's some screeching sounds. Oh, and some sex stuff, too.

You have a mess o' tenses in this fragment:
she whispered, while taking his hardness into her body and began a slow ride.
she whispered, while she took his hardness into her body and began a slow ride.
she whispered, taking his hardness into her body and beginning a slow ride.


chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Roy Makes Donna Laugh by Phyllis Stewart
Chapter 14 of the book ISLAND

Excellent
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Strong chapter in what is a very interesting book. Not being a sailor, it was hard for me to discern if Roy was learning to sail or if he was learning to sail this particular boat. I decided it was this particular boat because he made no huge mistakes, such as tipping over and getting the mast stuck in the mud.

Your transitions are smooth.

Maybe I missed it in an earlier chapter that I didn't read, but it would have helped to have a reminder of what Mike is so depressed about.

Caught one weirdity:
Roy left the sails set

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Harry: In Search of a Father by Jay Squires
Chapter 1 of the book Harry Needs a Job

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Jay,
I think of the state bureaucrats I've encountered and what they would do with an individual like Harry. I think they'd send him packing. His quixotic behavior would just gall their orderly minds. You've done a masterful job in creating two strong characters. I look forward to the rest.

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Sara's Vacation (Part 2) by barkingdog

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Where's a sixer when you need one? This is a perfect continuation of the first part, and now the characters feel more fifty-ish; They have some life to them. You could, with just a few tweaks, end the story here, but you must have some shenanigans in mind. Can't wait to see.

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Sara's Vacation (Part 1) by barkingdog

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There's a sense to me that the fifty-something widow is more like a seventy-something widow to all of this. The way they act and talk makes them seem older than fifty-something to me. But that's just my ear.

One small thing: it's Evel Knievel.

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016

Universal Truth by Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent
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Clever comment on the cosmos, physics, and philosophy, poetically put and gorgeously illustrated. You've done a nice job in a few short lines.

chris
Comment Written by cterp on 17-Sep-2016


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