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dweigt

Guilty until Proven Innocent-Ch2/Pt1 by Mustang Patty
Chapter 9 of the book Guilty Until Proven Innocent 2018

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Good stuff! I didn't see anything to correct. I did have a couple of questions.

Is "Discovery" always capitalized in legal use?


"Next," as he picked up two videotapes, "We have the witness threatening the lives of the entire family on two separate occasions." -- The witness? Is this Jill? Wouldn't she be the accused, or the defendant?

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 04-Jun-2018

Only One Possible Explanation by giraffmang

Excellent
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Amusing. A little far-fetched, but that's part of the fun.

I think you need a correction or two here:

it's amixture of papaya extract, honey, and llama sperm..

It sailed right through like shit off a shovel. -- Not the best analogy for fingers through hair. A crude narrator can be humorous and set the mood of a piece, but this line didn't work for me.

I wonder what happens next.

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 21-May-2018
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Love and Black Coffee by Mustang Patty
Chapter 16 of the book 2018 Short Stories

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Great! You do the light banter well, and convey the excitement of their meeting. Only one thing grabbed my attention as I read:

"I like that. Too many people just want to complain and gripe. You seem to look at things positively," his eyes became bluer as he leaned across the table, "Will you go out with me again?"

I like how you avoid dialogue tags, but think you need to break this into separate sentences. I think it should be -- "I like that. Too many people just want to complain and gripe. You seem to look at things positively." His eyes became bluer as he leaned across the table. "Will you go out with me again?"

I enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 21-May-2018
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

You're Not There Yet! by judiverse

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Great piece, no doubt echoing the thoughts of many. While young people should be encouraged to speak their minds and they may have some good ideas which the older generations should give respectful consideration, there are reasons we over twenty don't just sit back and let teenagers run the world. As you say, they aren't there yet.

I was slightly bothered by Young people want to be treated as adults, but when they act irresponsibly, they fall back on the excuse, "We're just children." Seems unfair without an example.

Good writing, and good points.

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 21-May-2018

The Rustle In The wind- Twenty by Ulla
Chapter 20 of the book The Rustle In The Wind

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This was an enjoyable read. You convey the excitement and exhaustion of your first flight very convincingly.

I saw a few minor issues for you to consider.

"So how do you feel so far, Ulla," the purser said turning towards me with a smile. -- Since this is a question, I think you need to end the dialogue with a question mark.

Food was preheated while taxing, -- should be taxiing. Looks odd, but correct.

Anna, to my delight, made sure to stand beside me, and the next thing I knew, she poked a finger into my ribs. -- I'm not sure about this sentence. Commas are my downfall but I think you have too many here. I believe only those around "to my delight" should be kept, but use your best judgement.

What happens next?

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 21-May-2018

Veronica is Devastated by sandramitchell
Chapter 48 of the book This Time - That Time 2

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Two sixes from me in one week! I must be going soft.

Seriously, this is excellent and I found nothing to correct or suggest. I especially love how you ended on a happy note and set a hook for the next adventure. Good luck on the book, it deserves to do well.

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 18-May-2018

Salute! by Commando

Excellent
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Great stuff! You always pour your heart into your writing, which makes it so powerful.

A few minor nits:
Why is the first paragraph in quotes? Is it a quotation from another (in which case it should be attributed)? A bit of dialogue?

Although the info about Hussein is interesting it almost distracts from what I believe is your message; the men you served with were heroes.

I think the plurals of tat and kaboom would be tats and kabooms. No apostrophe needed.

Maybe go a little easier on the exclamation points. They lose power when used too often.

Great stuff! Keep writing!

Comment Written by dweigt on 18-May-2018

Rosie is Angry by sandramitchell
Chapter 41 of the book This Time - That Time 2

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Great! I haven't been on the site much lately, but was pleased to see you won a prize with this. I've enjoyed your past work, and the recognition is well deserved. I read this quickly but saw nothing that needed change.

Excellent, as always!

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 14-May-2018

Rude Interruption by c_lucas

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Good stuff. Glad to see you are continuing this story. It is a stirring action sequence, and when it slows you show the tension between Jerry and the Sheriff and good interaction between Jerry and Pearson.

"Property of Sheriff Duncan," Jerry turned the shot-gun around -> You should end the dialogue with a period here.

Wash your chest with a warm water solution -> Curious about what the doc meant here. Solution of what? Warm water by itself is not a solution. But dialogue can be inexact and incorrect, so maybe this is OK.

I still find your use of multiple names for Jerry/Tumbleweed confusing. I understand that different characters may refer to him by different names, and the same character might address him differently at times. But I think it would be easier on the reader if the narrator of the story always used the same name for the character. That is a convention most writers seem to follow, even if there is no strict rule about it.

Looking forward to more.

Keep writing!

Comment Written by dweigt on 20-Apr-2018

The Memory Box by Mustang Patty
Chapter 22 of the book 2018 Short Stories

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Wow. Moving stuff. I knew before seeing your Author Notes that it was inspired by real life situations. Congratulations on the recognition, totally deserved!

I'd like to see a little more description of the roomie. And when he talks about Boy Scouts, maybe make him less formal. "Scouts don't like gays."

But that is just nitpicking. This is great, just as it is.

Keep writing!
Comment Written by dweigt on 17-Apr-2018


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