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Jake P.

The Peace Force by judiverse

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like the choice of topic for this story since it's currently up for debate. Showing how a defunded police could be very relevant to slower responses to possible violent crimes is a concern. You've addressed the topic well--proposing drastic changes in light of how it could personally affect you in the future is well done in a short fictional scene.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 19-Jun-2020

Your Favorite by Bill Schott

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This is a very cute story of sibling rivalry in a loving family.
It is well written in a tight, funny format. The mother's responses were wise and great.
Very well done.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 04-Jun-2020

The stray straight to my heart by Iza Deleanu

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is a well written story of love and charm. I love the theme. It's hard not to love puppies, and this one charmed his way into your mother's heart.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 04-Jun-2020

Lazarus by Mary Furlong

Excellent
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This is an inspiring story. A child with repeated failures having no hope and unwilling to risk another failure. Then with the attention of a caring teacher, exploring learning in a new format and finding the hope needed to succeed.
Wish we could reach them all.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 04-Jun-2020

My teacher has serpent fangs. by Anne-Marie brison
Chapter 1 of the book Fantasy Eye

Excellent
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I understand your feelings about history. I hated British History in college, and it was because of the professor... a terribly unsympathetic man. The story is cute and well-written. I certainly wasn't expecting the ending.
I think there were two times you used 'scince' instead of 'sense':
"Yeah, I know it sounds strange, but I can actually scince life in wood and plants, shrubs and flowers and any other living thing Of nature, even water,"
and
"leaving an icy since of death behind."

Comment Written by Jake P. on 04-Jun-2020

The Lady Wore A Hat by amada

Excellent
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The story has excellent imagery and emotion.

"First, I heard her steps, musical, magnetic. Then I saw her enormous hat-- " I would suggest a semicolon after 'steps', but grammar is not a strong point of mine.
" as if one day the wind swept her hat, and took her soul as well."
I think it would have taken her youth, not her soul.
I liked the wording, the rhythm, and the strong feelings in this story.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 04-Jun-2020

Sitting with Lana by richie b

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I loved the story of first love. The detail of the walk and description of each action along the way. I could feel the emotion, the crush, the giggling girls, the inability to speak your mind. Small town, USA.

" I stopped by by the small bridges that crossed the rounding creek. " Remove one of the by's.

"Both girls snickered and shook their hands at me. " Did you mean 'heads'?

Good job.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 04-Jun-2020

AmaZing Animals - E by sandramitchell
Chapter 5 of the book AmaZing Animals

Excellent
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I love the poem at the beginning, and the information about eagles is excellent.
I have a few suggestions:
The line, "While these eagles are big, the female is bigger." I'd change to "While these eagles are big, the female is larger than the male."
The line, "They share the building of the nest" seems awkward. Perhaps "They build the nest together."
Finally, "Apparently, Benjamin Franklin wanted the wild turkey!" is a good historical fact, but it needs a better introduction. "While
Benjamin Franklin wanted the wild turkey, the other founding fathers agreed the eagle would be a better symbol of America."
This is a good addition to your book.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 07-May-2020

Unhappily Ever After by January L'Angelle

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Good short story, and I loved the ending.
In the third paragraph, I would remove " that Marla now lived in". I don't think they are necessary.
In the last paragraph, before the moral, I'd change "When they found their bodies" to "when their bodies were found."
Good story entry.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 07-May-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

A Cup of Sugar by amada

Excellent
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I love the imagery and the poetry of the words. In the second paragraph: " Its lustrous asphalt seems to breath in the caress of the breeze" Perhaps consider "a soft breeze caresses the lustrous asphalt." AND "there is no{t} one soul outside".
I think the paragraph beginning "I see myself leisurely stepping in--forget the heavy brown door sealed under a massive bronze lock--" is awkward. " My imagination ignores the heavy brown door sealed under a massive bronze lock, and I see myself..."
My suggestions only. I too imagine the world free of the corona virus.
Good job. Lets find joy in writing.
Comment Written by Jake P. on 07-May-2020


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