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etreefrog

senryu (look what I can do!) by IndianaIrish

Excellent
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Delightful. This must have a special edge to it, having been a nurse! I am at a loss for any improvements to suggest, very funny and your words are well-balanced and natural in style. Thanks, Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 10-Nov-2018

Not So Merry Christmas by DonandVicki

Excellent
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A crafty poem, using the alliteration in every line, the play on the morning, but best of all, I like the connection you make between the homeless man and the unsold (homeless) trees. Very nice.
Though I understand the mourning, it almost oversells the rest of the piece, imo. You have presented such a strong metaphor I think that Morning would actually showcase your punchline better! The mourning calls attention back to the writer, imo.
A touching piece, thank you! Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 10-Nov-2018
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Old Joe... by royowen

Excellent
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Beautifully crafted, Roy. And heartfelt. Sad to see the incredible divisions in our society, with hedonism and greed seeming to produce the program. The solution starts one on one, as you rightly demonstrate.
Here are a couple of observations for an edit, if you agree; just my opinions:
*'in hands where fingers leak' wasn't a clear thought to me - if you were in the room, I would ask you what you meant by it.
*I must walk with her, followed by I will run with Hope: I have the same temptation when I write, but make sure that you aren't asking the reader to do watch you do two contradictory things simultaneously, if you can see what I mean.
*if you made the last line read... IN their suffering share, it would eliminate one of the three 'withs' you have in the last two lines and still make perfect sense.

I hope these comments make sense! I applaud your work and your principles! Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 10-Nov-2018

The Seizure by tfawcus
Chapter 25 of the book The French Letter

Excellent
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Building nicely, and enjoyable! I've been enjoying your chapter transitions; always a bit of tension and often humor.
I'm sure you have accolades a plenty, so let me move to a few comments that might be of editing interest to you. You are certainly accomplished, so please take these as questions in the form of comments:
*As we are already in the head (and behind the eyes) of the narrator, I don't see a reason to use italics to distinguish his comments to himself. They are clearly rhetorical (not addressed to me!). It seems appropriate to use them to identify texts, as you have also done.
*I found the vocabulary/syntax, etc, of this chapter to be very consistent with that of the last. A couple of notes on that score: When Helen and Charles reunite, she says "A terrible thing has happened." This struck me as being still a bit stiff (some Bronte, perhaps). I think she would have used a more agitated expression. Similarly, would she have said, in her rush to explain, that the doctor had just given Jeanne a "cursory examination" (which he had, of course), or would she have used a more shorthand expression?
*How were Helen and Charles seated that allowed her to give him a playful nudge? I had them in separate chairs.
*Might the grammar be: If they were hot on our trail, they 'would have been' here already?
*Might the sentence read: ...Helen suggested that she 'keep' the lonely vigil...?

That's it. You know I'm a fan, so take my opinions as a light mist, not a real rain!

best, Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 09-Nov-2018

Sharp Reality by Dolly'sPoems

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

My first 6 star award. A marvelous job with a sonnet, imo. You chose interesting pairings for 2nd and 4th line endings consistently through the piece, which I found delightful. Storm-dawn, mind-time and cloud-sound. That was bold, I thought, and it worked, too; a good combination! The only thing I would revisit would be the two 'that's that begin lines two and three. I wasn't comfortable with that choice. Otherwise, I am sold. thanks, Erik (etreefrog)
Comment Written by etreefrog on 07-Nov-2018

Oh, Waiter! by DonandVicki

Excellent
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I enjoyed this; you nailed the topic by creating not only a couple of compelling characters with almost no characterization but also a dramatic situation. Very nicely done. Erik (etreefrog)
Comment Written by etreefrog on 07-Nov-2018
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Kidnapped by Old Soldier

Average
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I felt kidnapped, that is, taken! You had me. As you warned me: Anyone can be taken. This was an entertaining piece.
Here are some things that should be ironed out next time before posting, imho:
*misuse of quotes with: "Fuck you! I whisper from the trunk."
*Jared and Jered spelled differently.
*For his sake, she had batter.
*I hear the trunk button being push.

A couple of suggestions for clean-up that could just be me: I didn't follow what was happening (or maybe who was saying it, at this point: Why me? I got nothing. Someone's coming. Is this him talking and is this him about to lose consciousness? I would clarify a bit.

The other suggestion is not to repeat the fish food phrase the second time: ...once they open the trunk, I'm fish food." In such a short piece, I think you want to throw novelty in to spark it up.

I enjoyed the read and will look for your future entries. thanks, Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 07-Nov-2018
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Forever seeking by Kdee1

Good
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This is a woman's tragedy equal to PTSD in a combat veteran. A black night, in fog, with rain falling and no hope... how bleak and disturbing. This is pain, unremitting. It is so bleak, it almost requires its own genre. Carefully written and communicative. The gentleness of the rain is the only positive element. Maybe there is hope from the heavens for this lonely soul. I hope so. best, Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 06-Nov-2018

Safe Haven by tfawcus
Chapter 24 of the book The French Letter

Excellent
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You have maintained the tone and spirit of your previous chapter in you light-hearted thriller. I particularly liked the word interplay you create between "powder her nose' and "that nose you did your best to put out of joint". and also "I have a sixth sense" followed by "sometimes I think you have no sense". I find these delightful.
In the interests of helping you polish, I will make a couple of observations:
*Helen's comment: "No need to blow a gasket", seemed masculine and maybe American, though I can't be certain.
*When "Helen flexed all of her eight limbs" I felt left out of the joke--- was this a carryover reference to something from a previous chapter? If not, it just seems like too odd a descriptor, though I can see your attraction to saying it.
*Madeleine "fumbled around with the safety chain" when she only needs to fumble with it.
*She asks "is that a gun in his pocket?" which leads to comedy but seems cute but contrived.
*The lady in the box sequence: "I said left, you idiot". This also leads to levity, but again, seems extremely odd if you are trying to maintain ANY sense of danger, maintain ANY thrill, in this light-hearted thriller.
I hope you believe that I do find the main characters likable, and only worry that the tension is dissipated faster than you can create it. You do a great job with dialogue, showing, instead of telling, which is not easy. You seem to have a good bead on where you are headed and everything seems very consistent in this chapter. I enjoyed the read and will look forward to the next installment. Thanks! Erik
Comment Written by etreefrog on 06-Nov-2018

Sort the wheat out from the chaff by YNWA

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The challenge of rhyming a review
Is all the better things I have to do
Since life doesn't ever hold stock still
Nor does the landlord delay the bill.

Best I can do tonight! Accept my kudos for a fun poem (I know you really let us off the hook on a ton of other alterations that we've done to the Queen's tongue).

A few nips and tucks I'd suggest if you're game to hear them:
*drop the 'it' after Borrowed. (It's better grammar on both sides of the pond!)
*replace 'went and got' with something else that works, eg 'Extracted' or something
else less distracting. Actually, it undermines your claim (albeit tongue in cheek)
to be our linguistic arbiter, if you catch my drift.
*replace 'But let's' with 'But let us', just because it scans a little better

All of this is my opinion, of course, and a dubvious one it is, having been shaped by the people that brought us 'driveways' on which we leave the car overnight and 'parkways' on which we speed along at 70 miles per hour.

That's for keeping fun alive!!
Comment Written by etreefrog on 04-Nov-2018


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