Life Lessons
Think about it.
Pays: One point.
27 member cents
Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Coco Jane

Slicker Than an Oil Stain by Earl Corp

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nice twist at the end.

You have several errors:
Para. 2-victims' (apostrophe belongs after the s)
Para. 4- no "at" after "where she was."
Para. 5-period instead of a comma after "sidewalk."

The prose could be tightened up in a few places. This will give you more words for description such as the look in the woman's eyes.

Maybe the woman herself can deliver the moral of the story.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 22-Oct-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Ashtray Memories by humpwhistle

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted


Paragraph 6--last sentence could be cut. If you choose not to cut it, consider finding a replacement for "endless" since you used it in the previous sentence. Maybe change the first one to "continuous."

"While others were strictly utilitarian" is a fragment. Cut "while." Consider also adding a brief description of these utilitarian ashtrays.

the aircraft and the "Rumor has it" paragraphs could be cut. IMO they distract from the "personal experience" tone of the rest of the piece.

Overall I like this. It reminds me a lot of my house and my dad. He had several beanbag ashtrays!

The paragraph about the bean bag style should come before the one about thievery IMO.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 03-Sep-2020

What Are ? by RShipp

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

What a neat poem about a simple subject!

In line 2, the period belongs inside the closing quotation mark.

Hm, the 101 was dalmatians, not the spots. There must have been thousands of spots!

Funny picture.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 03-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Austrian Alps by Lisa Wharton

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted



Paragraph 1 is wordy. Consider using: Ray and Sam had been gone for more than an hour...

Paragraph 3--
sentence 6: adventure, and
sentence 8: settings, but
sentence 10: remembered: the

Paragraph 4--
Sentence 2: change were hanging to hung
Sentence 3: change way too to so
Sentence 8: cut "waiting."

Paragraph 6--
Sentence 1: cut "like two zombies."
Sentence 4: I was stoned--? You were high on something? Do you mean "stunned"? If so, cut "and beyond belief."

Neat image of the straw dolls.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 03-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

The Guard by Willie P. Smith

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Beautiful poem. Neat image too.
Line 5 seems to have too many syllables to fit the meter. Consider using "Atop" instead of "on top of." Or maybe "Perched on the top of a warrior's grave."
Line 10 seems long too. Maybe use "Our heroes were honored by this great bird."
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 03-Sep-2020

History by Jeffrey L. Michaux

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like this. Definitely true, especially the preliminary remark about not changing hearts.
Consider omitting the ellipsis. Just end with a period.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 21-Aug-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

The Day I Was Perfect by Earl Corp

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Neat story. I like the bit of suspense in the last part.

The dialogue about being invited to try for the badge is unnecessary. It doesn't add to the story and can be summarized: I had an opportunity to try for the EIB.

In para 3, no comma is needed after 300.

In the para about processing the POW, "on them" is not needed.
"Fire for Effect"--I don't understand this. What does it mean? Why say it after a hit?



Mayb e put the NCO's comment to calm down, etc. into dialogue.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 21-Aug-2020

I Only See You by RShipp

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Interesting look at the little fantasies we carry with us.

IMO the poem would be even more effective without the quotation marks.

Maybe last line: We'll just pretend
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 20-Aug-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Heaven's Final Waiting Room by kleck140

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A touching story. I can relate, as my mom is living in a facility now.

Consider condensing the pillow part; it bogs down the story a little.

Last sentence: delete "in mine" (obvious) and "to God's heaven" (also obvious).
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 17-Aug-2020

MY Open Book by jaybird1

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

The rhyme and meter here work well.

I'd like to see some specifics--the good and bad you have fought, for example.

To be parallel, use "words I've said" in stanza 1.

Last line--period belongs inside the closing quotes.
Comment Written by Coco Jane on 17-Aug-2020


Page: 1 Next Page



  Contact Us © 2014 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Statement