Take Your Burdens to Jesus
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chapter 1 Knucklavee

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I;m not up on Irish mythology I'm afraid friend so have no tips of suggestion sorry. I did however thoroughly enjoy your opening chapter, The visuals were tense and exciting, the chase life or death and that definitely came through. My only critique, if at all would be... would he really go to sleep knowing it was looking for away to cross and come after him again? That said I loved it, excellent descriptive writng friend : )
Comment Written 13-Jun-2018 by Hitcher
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
    Thanks for the help and encouragement.


chapter 1 Knucklavee

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Hi there,

There's a whole school of thought that says you should never start a story with the weather. It helps with creating a mood or scene setting but isn't exactly riveting. it's also become something of a cliché following in the vein of 'It was a dark and stormy night' (considered the worst opening ever by many)

I believe there is no 'k' on nucklavee and the more common spelling is nuckelavee/nuckalavee. Its origins seem to be more Norse than Irish, although this may be an amalgamation.

with the speed of shear terror as - in this instance it should be sheer.

with the speed of shear terror / beheld the terror that pursued - maybe look for an alternate for one of the usages of terror to avoid repetition so close together.

glance at it hideous shape - its.

as the things breath touched them - thing's.

Your third paragraph relies on certain word usage to carry it through, specifically till. Watch for that.

He thought to himself. - to himself is largely redundant.

except for the most striking fact that stood out on the man half as well - this is just filler and doesn't tell the reader anything.

its muscles and sinuses - maybe use sinews here rather than sinuses.

Its veins pulsating its black blood thru its red and pink body - it's normally better to spell the full word of through. Also you use its three times here. You could say something like 'Fiach could see all of its muscles and sinews; black blood pulsed through its veins.'

in the skulls face - skull's. (although it may be an idea to look at your sequencing here and mention this when describing the head as the reader gets a certain picture and then you change it with the added detail).

reflected off the streams surface - stream's.

from straying out to far or to late - too far or too late.

in search of a place were it could cross - where in this instance.

You did a good job with this. It's fast paced and the emotions come across well.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 13-Jun-2018 by giraffmang
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
    Thank you so much for your help. Do you have any suggestions on what i could replace the opening paragraph with, cause I still like the description of the storm setting. That being said I hope your still willing to help with the up coming chapters.
reply by giraffmang on 14-Jun-2018
    I'll have a think about it. Yep, I'll keep an eye for more instalments.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2018
    Thank you, I really do appreciate the help.


Salvador Murphy

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Your writing is excellent and the story is engaging. But one thing I felt straight away is that you need more dialogue than the blocked passages that tend to discourage a reader. For another thing, where you have them, your dialogue is remarkable. You should apply it more than you have done.

Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018 by apky
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
    Thanks, but what do you mean by blocked passages?
reply by apky on 29-Apr-2018
    passages not divided by the break line to define a new paragraph. Hope this helps.


Salvador Murphy

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In your bio on the top you say that you've done ghostwriting so I assume you've done quite a bit of editing so I'm going to lay it on you.
The starts well and has a nice feel of an old private dick story. You do an admirable job of using detail without bogging the story.
The initial dialogue with Betty can you some cleaning up. Her story gets repetitive and confusing at times.
Throughout the story there's a lot of little things that need editing; things like: "had bag."

The biggest tip I can give you about writing here is to make your post much shorter. If you get over 2000 words no one's going to seriously critique it.
This story has a lot of potential. I hope I've helped you get help here.
Good luck. Thanks for sharing.
Gene
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018 by gene roush
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
    I'ill try and do as much as I can. When you say to shorten it up, do you think it would it be better to just split it into chapters?
reply by gene roush on 29-Apr-2018
    Yes, that makes it easier to proof read too
reply by gene roush on 01-May-2018
    Yes, that makes it easier to proof read too
reply by gene roush on 03-Jun-2018
    Yes%2C that makes it easier to proof read too


Salvador Murphy

Excellent
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Exceptionally well written is this short story that kept the reader interested from the beginning until the end. The reader enjoyed.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018 by Harry Smith
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
    I apreceat the encouragement


Salvador Murphy

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"free dough from those all to willing to hand it over". To should be too

"eye I saw the head of man with his back to us half". Did you mean to insert the word
The between head and man?

I decided to look at other reviews because I saw a lot of other stuff. The concept is good. I agree with using an automatic editor it at least spellcheck. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 26-Mar-2018 by Pamusart
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2018
    Thanks much.appreciated


Salvador Murphy

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Interesting setting you've taken for this retelling. It is a little clichéd though and technically it still needs some work-

a time when head lines were filled - headlines can be a single word here.

the exploits of John Dillenger - Dillinger.

Not to mention Humbolts own outlaw - Humbolt's.

happening in our little back water - backwater can be a single word here.

of Eureka California - maybe a comma after Eureka.

walked around in three piece suites - suits.

and wing tip shoes - wingtip can be a single word here.

Levis Jeans - just Levi.

on as a deck hand - deckhand can be a single word here.

accustomed to their night caps - nightcaps can be a single word here.

those all to willing to hand - too willing.

And what profession is it that I keep myself fed with I hear you ask - maybe a question mark in here.

as the afore mentioned options - aforementioned can be a single word.

It felt as if the first three paragraphs had little to do with the rest of the instalment. A lot of it could have been covered quickly to set the scene and period in a few lines.

I decided to base my self - myself.

every rich suspicious spouses snoop - need an apostrophe for spouses.

Nothing so thrilling or steady as the afore mentioned options / So on the side I had a nice still sitting in the closet of my apartment - this would appear contradictory.

come back with a C-note in my hip pocket - not sure C note would have been used in the time, also $100 dollars is a hell of a lot of money for a couple bottles of whiskey even then.

a woman came thru my door - it's always better to use the full word, through.

her brother in law - hyphenate this brother-in-law.

also wrapped a round the bottom - around.

him off a poor guys back - guy's.

"How could I?" I replied. - I think this should be 'How could I not?' given he does actually remember.

asked Otto the million dollar question.- this phrase would not have really existed then. It only originated much more recently. It's best to keep modern terminology out of a period piece.

to the Capo, and further more - furthermore can be a single word here.

Otto took a swallow of my home brew hooch - homebrew can be a single word here.

as we wrote him up I found recites - receipts.

amounts of corn meal - cornmeal.

I told the sober squad to tale him - tail.

When starting a new paragraph in dialogue, you don't close off the previous paragraph with closing speech mark. You only close off at the very end, although each new paragraph needs opening speech marks still.

We finished our little per laver, - palaver.

because Id been watching him the whole time - I'd.

page number I could see stayed sixty-seven - I doubt he'd have been able to see the page number. that is stretching things. It may be better to say he'd never seen him turn a page.

I fumbled out a tip for the bar keep - barkeep can be a single word here.

Having observed many a rag-a-muffin - ragamuffin can be a single unhyphenated word.

large a palooka wouldn't wear - a large.

trying to tail some one - someone.

What he really was had yet to be determined? - this reads as more of a statement than a question.

You know drinking to much can be bad - too much.

as asking too many questions," - should end with a full stop rather than a comma.

There was enough of the dock lamps light to show the dilation - lit rather than light, or dock lamp's light.

But He bit off more / Yeah, He doesn't want - he should be lower case here.

But Jimmy was to wild and blew - too wild.

San Francisco doesn't need hyphenated.

one of Gambinis most notorious - Gambinis'.

I decided to pull him in spin him around and hold him by the belt this time - insert commas after pull him in and around.

way he'd be starring into the bin - staring.

to get his rope waist coat - waistcoat.

on the wrong side of some one - someone.

of any big moves thru the grape vine - through the grapevine.

was he seamed to up his collections since the bust. - seemed.

All the best
GMG
Comment Written 26-Mar-2018 by giraffmang
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2018
    Thank you so much for the help, I know it wasn't quick and easy to type all that out for me. I'll make those changes.
    I really appreciate that much investment. I hope you get a chance to read it when it's done and give your final thoughts.


Salvador Murphy

Excellent
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I like the story. It has a lot of merit. The stars are for that, only.
Before you look for an ending, put this part through a strong edit. It starts in the first paragraph. Change suites to suits. They are two different things. You wear suits and live in suites. Change: Vulstead to Volstead. recites to receipts. found to fond. Id to I'd. The LA Angels were established in 1961. Klemp asks, "Do you remember ..." Sal answers, "How could I ..." That's not the answer you intended. Add the word "not" the I. The paragraph that begins with, "I followed him ..." In the sentence that starts with, "Apparently ... " is confusing, it needs a complete rewrite.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2018 by Henry King
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2018
    Thank you, I appreciate the obgectiveness.
reply by Henry King on 04-Apr-2018
    You are welcome.


Salvador Murphy

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Some logistics to get out of the way: "all to willing...needs to be too which I hope I caught most of ( now you got me talkin' like the narrarator). afore mentioned ... my self to being every rich, You'd think large a palooka . drinking to much, Jimmy was to wild " Now on to this very clever piece of work. I like the cadance which singles out the narrarator and creates a specific culture and dialect, in this case loggers. Good use of alliteration "suspicious spouses snoop" You metaphors and similes add to the dialect and placing the era of this somewhat amusing tale. I think somehow leaving it as a mystery is good. I like the way you built the ending to leave the reader trying to figure it out just like the narrarator. If you can finesse that, & it sure seens you could...you're golden.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2018 by Liz O'Neill
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2018
    I don't want to end it that way since I'm retelling one of Jesus' parables. I have and ending I just need to connect it some how.


Salvador Murphy

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Hello, sounds like you've hit a bit of a writer's block with the ending. I liked the story, it read smoothly and you write very grammatically correct, which is nice after reading prose that doesn't. I did notice this one thing:

'...Levis Jeans and timber boots...' Shouldn't it just be 'Levi jeans', and what are timber boots, hhaahaha They sound terribly uncomfortable, good luck with finding an ending. And what is a 'mook'? Thanks for sharing your writing, Ana.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2018 by Alexander Vasa
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2018
    Got it, thanks for the help


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