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Tin Tuxedos (Finale)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Excellent, what an interesting story. I like the fact that Ben met a direct relation to his 15th century sweetheart. Very well written and easy to read. You did misspell one word. The word explain is missing the x at one point. otherwise it looked perfect to me. Very good work.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015 by prettybluebirds
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
    Thanks, prettybluebirds for your kind review not to mention the five stars. As well, I'm pleased that you enjoyed the story. Good eye for spotting the missing x; I try to find it and correct it. I enjoyed writing the story.

    Jack


Tin Tuxedos (Continued - Pt 3)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well written story. The boys inability to return to the 21st Century parlays the myriad of possibilities of where this story could go next. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015 by Brett Matthew West
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
    Thanks again, Brett, and thanks, too, for the five stars. I know you've reviewed another of my stories about Sean and Ben. I think it was Tin Tuxedos (Finale), in which they DO return to the 21st century. The finale wraps the series. (For now)

    Jack


Tin Tuxedos (Finale)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You managed to give this a perfect ending. The ring that Merrie gave him from the past ended up back on her finger, since Mary was her reincarnation.
Your epilogue gives all of the players happy endings.
Nicely done. Very satisfying.

:) e
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015 by barkingdog
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
    Happy endings except for Reggie, barkingdog. Thanks so much for your kind review and the five stars. I'm pleased you enjoyed the tale. The story had a bit of a cliff hanger ending; I'm not sure where I'm going from here. May be a while.

    Jack


Tin Tuxedos (Finale)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What a wacky, weird, and fun adventure these two boys shared in this well written story. If only real life worked that way. See some place in the future you want to go and just head there. Well done.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015 by Brett Matthew West
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
    I'm pleased you enjoyed the story, Brett, as well as awarding me five stars. I left Tin Tuxedos with a bit of a cliff hanger ending. I'm not sure where I'm going from here. Gotta figure out a new angle for these guys.

    Jack


Tin Tuxedos (Continued - Pt 3)

Excellent
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Good they caught Abernathy. Now for the big show--an eclipse.
You need to make these dates the same:
-do you remember he pointed out a special one that took place in 1479?"
-but it's the year of our Lord, fourteen hundred and ninety seven, on August one and seven."
Comment Written 24-Jul-2015 by barkingdog
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
    Hi, barkingdog. I replied earlier but the system didn't seem to register the reply. I mentioned that you had a good eye regarding the year quoted by Sheriff Giffin. It was indeed 1479, when a major eclipse did take place. I've corrected Giffin's words. BTW, everything's resolved in the last part of Tin Tuxedos. I hope you get a chance to review it as well.

    Jack


Tin Tuxedos (Continued)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I felt like I was right there at the fair watching the contest.
What an excellent write. The dialect came through just fine, once I got used to reading it.
I don't know if I trust the magician. He may trick them out of their winnings.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015 by barkingdog
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
    Thank you so much for your wonderful review, barkingdog,not to mention the five stars! The next episode will be uploaded in the next few days. BTW, that magician IS a crooked sleazebag, but I don't want to give away anything yet.


Tin Tuxedos (Continued)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Good continuation, Scrivener. If I'm correct this is directed to the older child/very young adult group? Whichever, it is entertaining.

A few observations:

Ben whispered cautiously, "But eventually, Sean, [Just a little something I noticed that may have slipped past you: try to avoid using the character's name in the dialogue. It sounds artificial and intended as identification for the reader.]

The amazed throng applauded enthusiasically, [applauded ENTHUSIASTICALLY]

or we may wind up with a baby horse we can't use." [I thought if they WON they got the pony; if they lost they lost their armor.

noise frightenened Mr. Weise's horses, who reared. [The noise FRIGHTENED...]

After the medieval games and events, the four had tired, and were prepared to go home. [So, what happened to Ben and Sean's meeting with the magi?]
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015 by Jay Squires
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
    Again, Jay, thanks for your helpful remarks, along with the five stars. You have a good eye; my proofreaders missed 'frightened' and 'enthusiastically'. If Sean and Ben won, they would get the foal. I added 'if they won' to the sentence for clarification. As far as the boys (and the siblings) meeting Siyah, see the next installment.

    Jack


Two Tuxedos

Excellent
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You've a good plotline developed here, Scrivener. It's entertaining and believable enough to keep the reader engaged. I hope the suggestions I offer will help parts of the chapters unfold more effectively. These are, of course, suggestions, to accept or reject as you wish. Here are a few observations:

"I think our teacher, Mr. McGregor, said people back then weren't [I think he wouldn't have said "our teacher". It indicates the author's need to provide info to the reader.]

With their youthful curiousity getting the better of them, [...their youthful CURIOSITY ... >> I don't believe yours is the UK spelling.]

The teenagers were now intensely frightened; [can you show their fear, rather than tell the reader about it?]

"You okay, Ben?," Sean asked. "Yeah, you?," [You shouldn't have a comma after the two question marks.]

Will look forward to the remaining chapters.



Comment Written 18-Jul-2015 by Jay Squires
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
    Thanks for your suggestions ans excellent review, Jay. I appreciate them. Will incorporate a couple of your ideas, others I'll leave. BTW, the story's title should be TIN Tuxedos, not Two. My eyes were getting a little bleary when I submitted this.

    Jack
reply by Jay Squires on 19-Jul-2015
    I didn't even notice the Two Tuxedos. How funny!
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
    Hello, Jay. I didn't notice it either until after I'd uploaded it to Fanstory. It has been corrected for Part 2, uploaded today.


Two Tuxedos

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I was confused by the title being "Two Tuxedos" and the writing and subheadings being "Tin Tuxedos" -- was this a mistake?

This seems like a young adult story and should be well-received, especially by boys. The adventure seems well-planned and the hints that it's not their first adventure adds to the curiosity of "what will happen next"?

The story flows well.
Editing notes:
"People from his reserve and others, along with hundreds from local non-native communities attended..."
--need to put a comma after "communities," to finish the "non-essential" clause
--------------
"Amelia, was dressed in black, not traditional Native mourning dress."
--remove the comma after "Amelia" and add "and" after black
--consider rewording the sentence,
Amelia was dressed in black rather than the traditional Native mourning dress.
----------------
In this sentence:
"She missed her Simon more than anything she knew possible,"
--"more than anything she knew possible" is awkward and unclear.
Consider:
"more than she knew was possible"
----------------
" especially one held in high esteem, such as Simon Black Bear,"
--omit the comma after "esteem" as this is all one phrase
---------------
"The body is wrapped in birch bark which is considered sacred, to protect it from evil manitous before burial."
--remove the comma after sacred OR add a comma bark (having two commas tells the reading this information is "non-essential" to the sentence.

Consider:
The body is wrapped in sacred birch bark to protect...
It's tighter and removing the commas makes it flow stronger.
----------
In the sentence:
"The Ojibwa believe the soul travels on a four-day journey to a special place after passing away."
--omit "after passing away" -- it adds nothing to the sentence and is information the reader already has. Removing this phrase will make the text tighter.
------------
" encased priceless necklace."
--when two adjectives are together, use a comma to separate them.
Without a comma, "encased" is describing "priceless"
With a comma -- encased, priceless necklace -- encased is now describing "necklace."
----------------
"While wandering the museum"
--consider "while wandering through the museum"
----------------
" They were fascinated by two suits of armour, about the same height as the two 13-year-olds."
--omit the comma after "armour" A comma here would indicate that you have two full sentences. In this case you have a full sentence followed by a dependence clause--so no comma is used.
---------------
"for boys like us?," Sean questioned"
---the only time to use more than one punctuation mark is when the quotation mark is the 2nd one. In this case, you have "question mark comma"--omit the comma.

Same for this sentence:
"You okay, Ben?," Sean asked. "Yeah, you?,"
--omit both commas
------------------
"the museum, with small "
--omit the comma after "museum"
----------------
"quite proud of himself for coming up...
--this is grammatically fine--but consider making it tighter by omitting "of himself"
quite proud for coming up....
-----------------
"As the boys managed with some difficulty to don the complete armour, each became a little more comfortable"
--comma after "managed" and after "difficulty to set off this non-essential clause.
-------------
"enormous, evil spirit muskie"
--need a hyphen to make "evil-spirit" a compound adjective.
--------------
"discovered a cave in which live the haunted"
--"discovered" is past tense, so "lived" needs to also be past tense
------------
"The first year, they encountered an enormous, evil spirit muskie that attempted to kill them. The second summer, Sean and Ben"
--we just read "three summers ago, so the reference to "the first year" was a bit jarring. When it was followed by "the second summer," the reference became clearer. Consider changing "the first year" to "the first summer"
--what about the "third summer?" mentioning there were three, and then describing two leaves the reader's thoughts "hanging."
-------------
" discovery as well, was preceded"
--omit comma after "well"
-------------
"get up in these really heavy tin tuxedos"
--"really heavy" doesn't sound right here--it sounds stilted. Consider either removing it (most will think armour is heavy) or rephrase it:
These tin tuxedos are really heavy, but we have to get up...
--------------
"They rolled over, then pushed themselves to their knees, and managed to lift themselves up."
--When listing two or more things, the first word of each grouping needs to start with the same part of speech (parallelism).
--rolled over (starts with verb)
--then pushed (starts with adverb)
--managed (verb)
to fix this, omit "then"
----------------------

(I only read the prologue and the first chapter--perhaps I'm wrong, but I thought each chapter was to be a separate entry. Also, feedback for the first chapter will likely note things that need fixing in subsequent chapters, so posting one chapter at a time allows the author to become a stronger proofreader of his/her own work.)

Comment Written 18-Jul-2015 by mvbrooks
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
    Thank you for your kind comments, mvbrooks. They are appreciated and well thought out. I've incorporated most of them, have modified others. I agree, the story is now improved. My next installment will be uploaded in the next few days.


Two Tuxedos

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I like this, write has a easy laid back style in their written conveyances in this work, I can learn a lot about expression through this presentation, I find the write capturing my soul -are you living away from Scotland, sounds homesick
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015 by TPAC
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
    Thanks for your excellent review, TPAC. It's really appreciated. Nope, I'm not homesick for Scotland. I was born in Canada, where my family history goes back more than 150 years. But I have a gaggle of Scots friends, relatives and acquaintances who are. My childhood friend's late parents, who were from Glasgow, never lost their accents, though they were here for more than 50 years. It's from them I acquired most of my Scots-based knowledge.

    Jack


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