13 spots left
Well I think I read one of the chapters that revealed Jake being a half human and half animal, but I enjoyed your imagination of this last chapter. so she disappeared and Jake trotted along behind her and that's that?
This is a good story. The characters are interesting and the plot is, as well. I did notice some grammatical errors, which I am listing in order below. Not trying to nitpick, but I was an English teacher for ten years.
I really did like the story.
alone -> along
there. -> there?
what! -> what!?
you. -> you?
practice. -> practice?
starred -> stared
going. -> going?
leaves on the on the - remove one of the 'on the' phrases
mud, grass floor -> muddy grass
worse. -> worse?
tied up. -> tied up?
join him! -> join him?
Your -> You're
parents. -> parents?
here. -> here?
Callore please -> Callore, please
is? -> is!
mam -> maam
Oh well -> Oh, well
Quick -> Quick,
up. -> up!
windows -> window's
This chapter is what is called a transition, I think. There was good tension and I didn't find any mistakes. You did a great job. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
Well they are in trouble now. Unless, whoever is opening the door, has come to rescue them. There are many errors in this part, and really needs going over line by line. The story is fabulous, and could be a winner. It's worth taking the time over. Well done. Sandra xx
Oh my! You've crafted some real suspense here. Way to go ending it with a cliff hanger. Even for a werewolf story, you really brought the drama and thrills up here.
At least Derek's life will be spared. Jake's dad seems to be a bit slow when it comes the boy alone with girl! Thankfully, his mum understands. There are a lot of edits needed in this part. If you read it out aloud you will easily see what needs doing. Well done. Sandra xx
And the intrigue increases.... ! :) Have to see how they get out of this one! ;) Thanx for sharing... ;) :)
stopped, near an oak tree, and --> stopped near an oak tree and
a deep mud filled --> a deep, mud-filled
The pair, on hands and knees crawled --> On hands and knees, The pair crawled
indestructible, otherwise we would --> indestructible; otherwise, we would
like fort Knox's," Jake --> like Fort Knox," Jake
Derek and escape --> Derek, and escape
the soldier's kill --> the soldiers' kill
grandchild: never. --> grandchild? Never."
about you lot are right, you --> about your lot is right: you
Another interesting chapter here... be sure that when you join two independent clauses with a conjunction that you include a comma after the first clause. Thanx for sharing and good luck with your writing! ;)
rats and a yellow bus --> rats, and a yellow bus
appearance, well, that --> appearance? Well, that
by and Callore tapped --> by, and Callore tapped
him and the couple --> him, and the couple
Callore shrugged. "It's him or us and I choose us. But if you feel uncomfortable doing this--" she turned away..... "No, I'll do it."... "There's a problem, though." Callore sighed. "We have only fought vampires up to this point. As I said, the werewolves have been on the side-lines. They are not our enemy, whatever you've been told. They are loyal and true and--" ... "Hold on a minute, whose side are you on!" (Oh, my. The many facets and intricacies of waging a war.)
Jake rubbed his chin. "So, I can look like a full-fledged werewolf and vampire, but not a ghost."
Callore shook her head and smiled. "You can be trained to look like a ghost if you want to, ... (Jake is going to have quite a skill-set if he lives through it!)
Callore thrust a cooked rabbit and a coffee in his direction. "You eat and drink while I clear up the campsite." (What a tasty camping breakfast.)
How did she make a fire, and cook my food, and not wake me up? (A very good question!)
Note to self, when running fast, always look where you are going. (haha!)
Callore took out a sword made of silver, held it with both hands and lifted it above her head. She swung it down and cut off the 'Pires head. It rolled towards Jake and he stopped it with his foot. He picked it up and threw it into an overgrown bush nearby. Callore bent down, and with Jake's help, managed to drag the dead guard away ... (This is the woman of every man's dreams.)
A very believable fight scene.