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No one can ever know another's pain, but we all can see it, so we try to relieve it, but grief is a personal thing and no one can possibly know what another is suffering, I can identify with your words, love Dolly x
I think this is a good entry for the 'Under Ten Competition' writing prompt.
A clear story told in so few words.
Well done and good luck to you with this one in the competition.
These words remind me of the many times I battle with some people to my view. My decision to take a particular view on an issue or solution to a problem causes problems.
An interesting conclusion. I wonder if the doctor really is smart enough to not have all of it come back and bite her in the ass too...
"Woah my friend." said Mustafa - I think Whoa is more usual.
Same thing here as in previous instalment. You have a lot of punctuation, mainly commas, missing around the dialogue. I won't bother to point them out.
As Jason raced off down - in this paragraph you may have gone a little overboard with the listing of all the items. Half of this paragraph which is the longest in the instalment is made up of the list of things.
reached Rachel's door / pounded on the door / charged into the door - I know certain words are hard to get away from but you could amalgamate some of these to reduce the repetition.
The revelation about Rachel was quite telegraphed in the previous instalment.
Looking around he spied a human form lying on a steel table underneath a sheet- would this have not been one of the first things he saw. It would be quite big and obtrusive. Just thinking about the mechanics of the scene here.
One of the things with the structure you've chosen to employ here is that it removes quite a bit of the jeopardy from the tale. No matter what comes at Jason, we know he's k=okay because this is being told in hindsight with him alive in the doctor's office.
"Jason, would you be a dear and spread some plastic wrap out? - you need closing speech marks here.
dozens of police cars, siren's blaring- sirens is just a plural here.
The segues between Jason in the office and the tale may work a little better and a little less jarring if you inserted some kind of signifier such as a centred * or #.
where you can get all the peace you need". - full stop should be inside.
straightjacket can be one word here like you do later on.
All the best
Lots of twists and developments in this instalment. Old Jason isn'ta very bright individual, is he? lol
plume of smoke began to billow / the smoke began to quickly clear. - phrases such as started to / began to, are a little passive and you don't really need them in most situations. It's more direct to omit them. smoke billowed / smoke cleared. or as the...
twenty-five with long blond hair - generally blond for male / blonde for female.
[I still think the framework is a little off]
"Dr. Phillips was right," Jason realized "I do racially stereotype - need punctuation after realized.
The accent actually works very well.
Puedo no beleive cu√????√???√??√?¬¡n est√????√???√??√?¬¼pido usted es." - this may need edited for code...
what's going on?" he turned to glare at the genie
"Hello? Hello?" - punctuation needed after genie.
Jason ignores her and continues musing - ignored to preserve the tense.
"Well," said the genie "traditionally - need punctuation after genie. You do this quite a bit. There should always be punctuation following these bits before the continued dialogue. You also need them after proceeding tags before the dialogue kicks in in a few places.
in the death of local women Emily Haversham - woman.
Police have just issues a warrant for this man - issued.
there are some nice touches in here - the humour is good and the doctor's attitude and observations are spot on.
feminine all at once, replied "That's great Marsha - should probably have a comma after replied here.
"Alright," she replied "let's talk about it." - same thing here.
Be careful of over-using adverbs, particularly close together. they can show a weakness in verb choice. - she violently threw / Jason barely kept / came perilously close - these all come very close together.
I'm not 100$ sure about your story structure here. You start with Jason relating it, then have a time shift into narrative about the events, then abruptly have the doctor interrupt this bringing us straight back into the present again. Then segue back into the past events again. The changing narrative and time shifts could get a little confusing. It may be better to have him just relate it. One of the problems is the switching from I to third person Jason and back again.
Jason continued down the hall, groceries balance in one arm - balanced.
Jason cut him of "You're welcome - off.
Jason paused before lying "No... no of course not." - you need punctuation before the dialogue.
All the best
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