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ddsaar

Janie King
Sorry I haven't replied sooner..mom's been in the hospital and things just in a general state of chaos but things should get better. Thanks for your kind review. God bless.
08-Jan-2013
For the review on
He Looked Into Her Eyes by Janie King

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

HI,

This is a heartwarming little tale. Lets you know that there are decent loving people on this planet of ours.
I cant think of anything else to say. There isnt any formatting or spag so well done I am glad they had a good time together. thanks for sharing

David


Realist101
:) Hi David! Now, this wasn't supposed to be funny! LOL! No, I'm glad you enjoyed this. Anything to make our days go by better is good I guess. Let me know if your friend 'likes' it, or what their reaction is? Thanks again. I'm real glad to hear from you.
28-Oct-2012
For the review on
Teeth by Realist101

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Great I laughed my head off. The end caught me out even though i knew something was coming. Well done hope it does well for you. You have brightened up a gloomy sunday.
I might even relay this to my colleague who is going through the thoes of morning sickness.

Cheers
David


Torrence Winter
Thanks
17-Oct-2012
For the review on
Black Dragon Ch 3 by Torrence Winter

Chapter 3 of the book Black Dragon

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

hi,

It flows well and is easy to visualise. I dont like the name Ryuu but hell its not mine so thats inconsequential.

I feel you go the amount of showing and telling about right here.. I also have a difficulty with this, so I know how you feel.

POV yes I got it hes a right little git!


a few things you might also want to take a look at.
1. - you write 'Mother, I am sorry..' although this is right its very formal a more natural sound would be 'Mum I'm sorry'
2. - another one is - 'Mother, I have to go, Lynn is here to help me study' how about Mum, I've got to go, Lynn's here to help me study'

3. you write - She wiggled from under him. do you mean wriggled?

4.you write - "Doesn't mean that I can't cope a feel here and there" I think you mean cop a feel.

Its well written and enjoyable thanks for posting it

David


nor84
TAKE A POWDER:

According to Robert Hendrikson's "Encylopedia of Word and Phrase Origins" (I have a LOT of reference books):

'Nobody agrees on the origins of 'take a powder. Powder has been used in the sense of to rush since the early 17th century, deriving its meaning from the rapid explosivenss of gunpowder... But the phrase seems to date back to the early 20s, when it was first "take a run-out powder." One possibility is that it was suggested by the dust (or powder) of a person fleeing down the road, another that 'flee' suggested 'flea' and thus 'flea powder.' The most ingenious theory is that the powder in the expression represents the "moving" powers of a laxative powder." End of quotation.

TAKE IT ON THE LAM: The reference didn't have this one. But it's probably from our old gangster movies where it means to go on the run to avoid trouble with the law or other gangsters.



16-Oct-2012
For the review on
Out of the Frying Pan and ... by nor84

Chapter 4 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Norma,

I like this story, you have in Hans created an engaging character. It runs along at a good pace and its easy to visualise.
I do have a couple of questions for you though.
With regards to Hans and his English, I know you have stated he is rusty so I wonder if some of the expressions you are using for him are not a bit too advanced for a foreigner.
The Germans I know speak very formally and when they speak in English they are formal too.

You have written - "Do not push me, Schweinhund, or I'll knock you on your ass." would he not be more likely to say I will rather than I'll and would he also say knock you on your ass?

a bit further along you use Gott in Himmel - its ok but he might be more likely to say Mein Gott istead.

You have tex I think going to the toilet as you have said "While take a powder meant nothing," I am in agreement with Hans. We here will say a lady has gone to poweder her nose, but it is an expression never used for a man.

all in all its good stuff though and enjoyable reading

david


nor84
I'll work on the dialect. I agree that Mein Gott fits better.

Tom said, "Maybe he took a powder." I never thought about it, but "take a powder" may come from the nose-powdering thing. It's American slang, as is "take it on the lam" for skipping out on something. You may have 'take it on the lam,' too. I don't know. Comes from gangster movies of the 30s and 40s.

Glad you like the story.
15-Oct-2012
For the review on
Out of the Frying Pan and ... by nor84

Chapter 4 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Norma,

I like this story, you have in Hans created an engaging character. It runs along at a good pace and its easy to visualise.
I do have a couple of questions for you though.
With regards to Hans and his English, I know you have stated he is rusty so I wonder if some of the expressions you are using for him are not a bit too advanced for a foreigner.
The Germans I know speak very formally and when they speak in English they are formal too.

You have written - "Do not push me, Schweinhund, or I'll knock you on your ass." would he not be more likely to say I will rather than I'll and would he also say knock you on your ass?

a bit further along you use Gott in Himmel - its ok but he might be more likely to say Mein Gott istead.

You have tex I think going to the toilet as you have said "While take a powder meant nothing," I am in agreement with Hans. We here will say a lady has gone to poweder her nose, but it is an expression never used for a man.

all in all its good stuff though and enjoyable reading

david


RogerDodger
Thank you David. I am looking foward to it.
15-Oct-2012
For the review on
Leopold and Elena by ddsaar

Prologue of the book Bohemia

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I found this a very good read. I enjoyed the great descriptive content. It made me feel as though I was standing nearby watching the whole episode. This is not the type of thing I would normally be interested in reading, but you have captured my attention and I would love to read the finished book. I think you have the ability to attract almost any reader by making people see exactly what you want them to see.


nor84
Well, you might have missed that Tex, too, is of German descent and has a couple of German-American cabbie pals. It rankled him to see a clean-cut, well behaved fellow turned down just because of prejudice. Great review, David. Thanks.
13-Oct-2012
For the review on
The Cabbie by nor84

Chapter 3 of the book After the Reich (Working Title)

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi

You move the story along nicely here. I know what its like to be a foreigner so I feel for Hans. I am intruiged by the character of Tex. Are taxi drivers so helpful? or have I missed something?
You leave us with a nice little hook at the end of this.
Thanks for taking the time to explain a short stack :)

Keep it going

David


Alexmi1984
Thank you for your review. I'm exploring the avenues that this story will take, at the moment and it's a long and arduous process. I'll post more as soon as I'm done with this process.
12-Oct-2012
For the review on
The adventures of Jay Simpson by Alexmi1984

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A nice start to what will hopefully be an intruiging story.
There are of course more questions as well as who killed JAY why is also one I hope you explore and explain.
Do We take the white light as a sign jay lived a good life?

Look forward to more.


Sarkems
Thanks so very much, David, so do I, but there is stiff competition
10-Oct-2012
For the review on
Big Veg by Sarkems

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Brilliant,
Very well done, you have done all asked and kept within the guidelines. You made me laugh. Easy to visualise and flows well.
I hope you win.

Cheers David


dmt1967
its on here if you get there seal then you can sell stuff on here and you know your book is ready for publishing
10-Oct-2012
For the review on
The investigation by dmt1967

Chapter 3 of the book The ts detectve

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi,

Story is ok.

You might want to take another look at these points though.

1. "Just do what you are told. Drop the case; that is an order" The captain growled. - how about "Just do as you're told. Drop the case and that's an order." The captain growled.

2. "There's no easy way to say this," I began, "but I am a transsexual woman." _This just doesnt read correctly. I have asked a few of my colleagues here at work and we all think there is a better way of putting it. The popular choice is, "There isn't an easy way to tell you this, but I am going to have a sexchange." This isnt perfect either but our little group of 26 here think this is more lifelike.

3."I am Haley, from Haley, Jones, and Smith Solicitors. We were asked to deliver this letter to you, on this day, at this time." Mr. Harley said with a smile. - Is it Haley or Harley?

4.He held the letter out to me, with a steady hand; I automatically took the letter from his out stretched hand.
- this doesnt read right either..it clumsy and you can shorten it to something like - He held the letter out to me, and with a steady hand, I automatically took it.
You still have the point you were making where she is just working without thought and it takes out the repetition and that horrible semi-colon.

Regards



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