Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

ddsaar

dmt1967
Thank you for all your help I will be rewriting soon hopefully one last time then putting whole book in a balloon package for any more tweaks before I put it before the seal of approval board
10-Oct-2012
For the review on
The investigation by dmt1967

Chapter 3 of the book The ts detectve

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi,

Story is ok.

You might want to take another look at these points though.

1. "Just do what you are told. Drop the case; that is an order" The captain growled. - how about "Just do as you're told. Drop the case and that's an order." The captain growled.

2. "There's no easy way to say this," I began, "but I am a transsexual woman." _This just doesnt read correctly. I have asked a few of my colleagues here at work and we all think there is a better way of putting it. The popular choice is, "There isn't an easy way to tell you this, but I am going to have a sexchange." This isnt perfect either but our little group of 26 here think this is more lifelike.

3."I am Haley, from Haley, Jones, and Smith Solicitors. We were asked to deliver this letter to you, on this day, at this time." Mr. Harley said with a smile. - Is it Haley or Harley?

4.He held the letter out to me, with a steady hand; I automatically took the letter from his out stretched hand.
- this doesnt read right either..it clumsy and you can shorten it to something like - He held the letter out to me, and with a steady hand, I automatically took it.
You still have the point you were making where she is just working without thought and it takes out the repetition and that horrible semi-colon.

Regards


Ideasaregems-Dawn
You mean you wouldn't know? LOL -thanks so much, no you didn't tell me I could be a murderer or that I lacked faith based on the Halloween poem I wrote! Thank you for giving me a needed chuckle though, and for this excellent review. I would have liked to have told him a FEW things - unfortunately, it doesn't work that way - the site doesn't allow it.
09-Oct-2012
For the review on
Are You A Writer? by Ideasaregems-Dawn

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nice,

I hope it wasnt me..I dont think it was...you should have told the guy he/she was an arse.
Iw rite dark stuff from time to time, and to be honest its great to let it just run, you can have a lot of fun murdering people you dont like.

For someone to take a piece of writing and call you mad because of it is someone who needs to be looked at themselves as their perception is skew whiff.

Did you find some comfort in religion?
David


dmt1967
Thank you for your input will be re writing for the last time hopefully putting it in the balloon package then the seal hopefully so will value your input then if you have got the time thank you
08-Oct-2012
For the review on
Is this the end by dmt1967

Chapter 22 of the book The ts detectve

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi, this ok, youve done a nice job of rounding things off for the reader - well one.
no spag...excdept for the last line.
you write = TO BE CONTINUED.......

3 dots after continued any more is just exccessive.


KayakerNZ
Lots of good advice, I will be editing the piece and the issues you have targeted will be amongst the revisions. Thanks for the help.
08-Oct-2012
For the review on
Resolution by KayakerNZ

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi this is a nice read. I found the characters lifelike and it was all easy to visualise - well done.

A couple of points for you.
You write - Having always ben on the small side - I think you mean 'been'
Some of your sentnces run on a bit so you might want to have a look at them again.
Finally, in your dialogue...its very stiff in places and formal...we don't speak like that...for instance you write - 'No, you have had your say now it's my turn.'
Would this not be better if it was so - 'No, you've had your say now it's my turn.'

Thank you for the read.

david


dmt1967
Yes I know the shooting needs a lot of work that was only my second draft and I am learning my friend so I value anything that will make my writing better I am going it alone when I publish as in self publishing and with amerzon as its free so I am opening myself up for rejection by the public without the safety net of a publisher so any help to not make myself look like a complete idiot would e appreciated thank you for your comments
04-Oct-2012
For the review on
The shoot-out by dmt1967

Chapter 20 of the book The ts detectve

Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You wrote - We are going for a little drive
try closing some of the words together for a natural sound hence - We're going for a little drive

you wrote - gives me the gun like a good girl. Lose the s on gives...its just wrong.

you wrote - Went and checked on The Boss, 'Went' follows a comma it should be lower case not a capital letter.

Do you see now what I mean about the mechanics of your writing?


dmt1967
I was going to but this was my thinking this book hopefully will do well I don't know if you read my last chapter if not I don't want to spoil it for you but book 2 will e out shortly also I don't want to pomaded people with information about the ts process I wanted to introduce jet to them then in the following books talk more about the ts scene I know the agony ts woman go through only too well and their partners even more and to put that in a book all at once well it would scare me off the aim of this book is ok I admit it I want to be a author but its also to say ts don't mean a thing they are woman they are just unlucky to be born in the wrong body is all and the more people I can get that message across to the better I am explaining this to you as I do value your review as I value other people that take the time to read and comment on my work and I want you to understand where I am coming from thank you for your comments
04-Oct-2012
For the review on
The start by dmt1967

Chapter 1 of the book The ts detectve

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi
This is ok. I am just wondering if you at any time considered splitting it into two?
You spend most of the chapter telling us about the relationship between Jet and Helen. Yet Jet has goen through a huge upheave in her life in the sexchange. You do mention the two years she has to live as a woman before the op, but no mention of how it is handled at the police station. Also transsexuals go through an awful lot of self doubt and angst as they come to grips with their situation. Having told Helen of his desire to become a woman. YOu tell us about her reaction - which is what I would expect but how about some of his thoughts at this point. Maybe some ideation of suicide?
You have a great concept for a story here. I just think if you make this into two chapters you can beef out some of the missing details and let the reader get sucked in.
There are some spelling mistakes you should take care of.


dmt1967
Thank you for your comments when re writing I will take them on board
04-Oct-2012
For the review on
Helen's murderer by dmt1967

Chapter 2 of the book The ts detectve

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is better, its interesting (not that the other chapters arent) it flows well, you have beliveable characters - Bill and Ben will get missed by the Americans.
although you have added the small bit about when he came out to his friends - its in the wrong place- should have been in chapter 1. WE the readers already know its about a TS so why wait to tell us about it?
You use the phrase - They all sent me to Coventry - This is unique to us Brits, I would suggest you take it out and use something else.
you write - Little did I know, finding Helen's killer would change my life forever?
Take the question mark out..this is a statement not a question. Its redundant.

This chapter moves the story along at a good pace, you dont throw oodles of information at us as a lot of writers do (me included) and it is enticing us to read more.
Well done.


dmt1967
look i do want an honest opioion and the 3 stars does not bother me that is your opioion but as i said its how you tell people things that bother me i have seen good writers give up because of nasty reviewers on here like you said nothing about the spelling or the structure no you harped on about a body higher than the president and who did they work for the god task force as i said before it is fiction and ok the detective getting in the car might e off but again people do stupid things sometimes even cops look i like my reviewers to be honest i am when i review people but you must see that maybe you can revise what you say and how you say it before you do real damage to someone who maybe isnt as strong as me you could really hurt someone mate with your reviews and we might even loose a great writer out of it and i think we need all the great writers we can get after reading the 50 shades of grey books i know we do lol have a nice day
04-Oct-2012
For the review on
The story and nothing but... by dmt1967

Chapter 21 of the book The ts detectve

Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi,
I am confused!

An authority higher than the president of the USA, so this is God's task force?

I am not sure about your detectives instincts. I mean getting in the car sound a bit dodgy to me.

I am going to go back and re-read previous chapters and then re-evaluate this one as I might be being a bit unfair.

David


dmt1967
Thank you for your comments but this is pure fiction I mean there are no such thing as little green men either but that doesn't stop people writing about them or super hero's either but I will tell the guy who created superman that really a man that can fly and see through lead is he for real get a life
03-Oct-2012
For the review on
The story and nothing but... by dmt1967

Chapter 21 of the book The ts detectve

Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi,
I am confused!

An authority higher than the president of the USA, so this is God's task force?

I am not sure about your detectives instincts. I mean getting in the car sound a bit dodgy to me.

I am going to go back and re-read previous chapters and then re-evaluate this one as I might be being a bit unfair.

David



Page: 2 Previous Page Next Page



  Contact Us © 2014 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy Statement