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JaseDR85

Tootsie55
More photos and links on here now if you wanna look again.
05-Feb-2019
For the review on
2009-Trip 2. by Tootsie55

Chapter 37 of the book Our Trip Book.

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This was a pretty entertaining read actually. It's laid in a good storytelling format, and everything is painted in a pretty clear picture. Thank you for sharing and keep up the great work!


billm333
Thanks
12-Nov-2015
For the review on
Second Death by billm333

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Nicely written, good visuals. A good usage of showing and not telling. It read smoothly until the end as well, nicely done. Keep up the great work.


c_lucas
You're welcome, Jase. Charlie
21-Sep-2015
For the review on
The Raid by JaseDR85

Chapter 28 of the book Shrouded: Rebirth

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You're very talented at writing action scenes. Your post held my attention. This is well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.


lancellot
Oh, that explains it.
12-Sep-2015
For the review on
The Raid by JaseDR85

Chapter 28 of the book Shrouded: Rebirth

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very good. I am a bit surprise Sol didn't just rip Jeremy's head off, instead of just kicking him to escape. But it made for a good leading to what's coming next. Well done.

note:

Jeremy brushed past the security guard and jabbed his hand back, sending a Taser biting at {their} neck.

I would use 'his' only because this is an action sequence rather than an explanations.


His eye navigated through the [thousands] of people beyond the entrance until he located Sol in the rear. "Sol."

- maybe hundreds or at least dozens, in a VIP area, right?



cbat
Thank you.
06-Sep-2015
For the review on
beast unseen kind/ no mean by cbat

Chapter 10039 of the book Beautiful Death

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very creative, very catchy. It flows very nicely and paints a really cool picture to the reader while it retains that catchy poetic feel. I really enjoyed this, nicely done. Keep up the great work!


LeannaP
you are most welcome Jason!
04-Sep-2015
For the review on
Upgraded by JaseDR85

Chapter 26 of the book Shrouded: Rebirth

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi Jason,
This story is coming along really well.
There are a few aspects that you demonstrate
here that I found to be nor only interesting, but
hilarious.This is a great example:
fuming right now. Cure cancer for free
I thought this was interestingly funny.That
would be great if it was, but I believe its a no go.
Cancer is a hot commodity.
Excellent job
Leanna


Tegan1311
I'm glad the descriptions were good as it's something I'm always working on, especially the showing vs. telling. Thank you for reading and the good review, both of which I greatly appreciate :)
01-Sep-2015
For the review on
I'm Going Home by Tegan1311

Chapter 18 of the book Lost In The Echo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very visually descriptive, and very well written. I saw no issues here, great use of showing vs telling. It was also very colorful as well, great imagery. Keep up the great work.


robyn corum
I re-reviewed and changed my rating.
01-Sep-2015
For the review on
Petrovsky by JaseDR85

Chapter 23 of the book Shrouded: Rebirth

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Thanks for taking my comments so well -- many people get heated! *smile*

1.)City of the Dead, an inaccessible crypt Hand had built (in case he) or another Talon wanted to rest...

Looks good and I'm changing my rating!

***

1.) He pushed off his leg and leaped into the air before gravity jerked him down in a long free fall.
--> confusing. do you mean: He pushed off (with) his leg and leaped into the air before gravity jerked him down in a long free fall. ??

2.)His knee jabbed into the ground when he landed, shattering the jagged rocks beneath his impact (before he) easily stood up.

3.)led to a bridge with the strong blanket of mist clinging to the air.
--> very nice!

4.)The elder vampire casually stepped (onto) the wooden structure, ??

5.)easily able to see through the blankets of fog in the air.
--> since you already used this, I would suggest something different?

6.)He never did care for the Russian's treatment of his childer,
--> 'childer' ??

7.)City of the Dead, an inaccessible crypt Hand had built (it?) himself

8.)His blood dripped down in lines until his skin healed closed.
--> delete 'closed'

9.)of the large stone doors when they unsealed in a (shudder?), releasing the airtight atmosphere.

10.)The insides were dusty, and cobwebs (clung) along the walls and pillars.

11.)Petrovsky's ugly features stared back (at) Dracen with his arms crossed over his chest.

Nice chapter closing. Makes the reader want to turn that page. Very nicely done. If you correct the nits, I'll be happy to review and up-grade --


Tegan1311
I appreciate the edits and suggestions. I'll go back over this chapter with all this in mind. Thank you for reading and your honest feedback :)
29-Aug-2015
For the review on
Consuming Light by Tegan1311

Chapter 17 of the book Lost In The Echo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Another outstanding chapter, very visual ad crisp. I do have a few suggestions for you, however.

As I stare at her, my chest feels heavy, - FEEEEEEL??? Know that if I review something I am going to call you out on every single feel you put in. Your chest feels heavy... What's that feel like? (As I stare at her, my chest fills with concrete growing heavy,)

I feel the woman's eyes - This is up for debate since the thought you're conveying is in fact she is staring at you. But feel.... feel feel feel. Erase that from your vocabulary now as a writer. HOWEVER. In this context I see what you mean, again. But if you use feel, make it powerful. (I can feel the woman's eyes rover over me, tingling my skin with each passing gaze.)

Feeling less fearful, my attention - The fear in me fades as my attention...

Something wet leaks from my ears and nose. - Just a suggestion, but I would change this to. (Something warm leaks from my ears and nose) In the following sentence you state there is blood, which is wet. Warm gives that feeling it emotion.

FEEEELs. No good. Show, don't tell. Outside of those everything else was good to go! Keep up the great work!


Tegan1311
Thank you for reading and the very helpful edits and suggestions. It does have six feet. I describe its height earlier and it's 10 feet. I'll back and rework a bit of this chapter. Again, thanks for reading and the comment :)
26-Aug-2015
For the review on
An Unwilling Sacrifice by Tegan1311

Chapter 16 of the book Lost In The Echo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I have always been so jealous of people who can write in this particular tense. I personally can't, I get too hung up on past tense. But you darling are very good at it. I will be around to review more of your work(not for points and fan dollars). So far I really like how Vesper's character is portrayed, you can connect with her which makes this a much easier story to read.

There only a limited things I saw that could be tightened up.
Examples.

The thought unnerves me and I start trembling anxiously - I always say be careful with start. She starts to tremble.... Does she or not? I would suggest tightening this up to read out. (The thought unnerves me, making my body tremble anxiously)

It's so quick, that I stumble into one of its legs, the long bristly hairs pricking me. It hurts, but I don't let out a sound. It's a small price to pay when I know I'm doing the right thing. - Comma misplacement here. (It's so quick that I stumble into one of its hind legs. Coarse hairs prick my face, but I ignore them daring not to make any sound of protest.)

I have to really put my shoulder into it, but together it works. The creature rolls onto its side and scrambles to its six feet. - This can confuse many readers. It has six feet? Or is it six feet tall? If the former, than disregard. If the latter, we can tighten this up. (Using my shoulder, I heave into it with as much strength as I can muster. The creature lazily rolls to its side before scrambling to its feet, flaunting its towering height.)
Or... If it has six feet... (Using my shoulder, I heave into it with as much strength as I can muster. The creature lazily rolls to its side before scrambling to six feet and flaunting its towering height.)



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