Church Children
A story in the form of a poem
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edieas

heavenpark
Thank you so much! It really makes me happy that my poem convinced someone in whatever the topic maybe.
07-Aug-2016
For the review on
Find by heavenpark

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Wow this is an intense poem. Makes me want to find you and comfort you and to insist you hang on =which proves how you have convinced me. Thanks so much and God Bless.























olliebuster
Thanks for the tip. Ollie
14-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 33 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Quite descriptive. What a safe house. From the reading, none of the ladies were lilies. It would have been nice to hear a bit more about the girl with the
deformed child. I imagine in chapter 33, each one would have a story to tell.
I think it is set up nicely for the next chapter. What brought her here in the first place. Good. Olliebuster.


create4christ
Nice to meet you.
13-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 41 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

So sad that you have gone through so much, Edie. I understand fibromyalgia...I have been diagnosed with it, as well...mine because of all the hardware and fusion in my back...plus one of my surgeons cut a nerve. I want you to know that I am/will be praying for you.

I did find two grammatical errors (or typos)...

1st paragraph - had chosen should be CHOSE

Last paragraph - history REPEATED itself

Thank you for sharing.


MelReyn
You make great points... sometimes a beautiful flower grows best in manure. I can see how my comment could be taken as pity, though I intended empathy.
13-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 41 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

What a hard life you've had! I'm so sorry to hear the troubles you've had to work through. I love you how you separate "And then I met Harold." from the rest of the narrative. The way you did that lets me know that he was separate from all the trouble and brought them to an end. Sounds like you had the best sort of turning point. ;)


create4christ
I'm Penny, by the way.
13-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 41 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

So sad that you have gone through so much, Edie. I understand fibromyalgia...I have been diagnosed with it, as well...mine because of all the hardware and fusion in my back...plus one of my surgeons cut a nerve. I want you to know that I am/will be praying for you.

I did find two grammatical errors (or typos)...

1st paragraph - had chosen should be CHOSE

Last paragraph - history REPEATED itself

Thank you for sharing.


create4christ
I don't pity. I pray.
13-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 41 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

So sad that you have gone through so much, Edie. I understand fibromyalgia...I have been diagnosed with it, as well...mine because of all the hardware and fusion in my back...plus one of my surgeons cut a nerve. I want you to know that I am/will be praying for you.

I did find two grammatical errors (or typos)...

1st paragraph - had chosen should be CHOSE

Last paragraph - history REPEATED itself

Thank you for sharing.


WalkerMan
There was no implication of that in this chapter.

You have a revised review, fixed typo excluded. -- Mike
06-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 31 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You deserve a lot of credit for being able to list all these misfortunes for strangers to read, while still maintaining your dignity and not portraying yourself as some sort of hapless victim. Clearly you were doing your best to survive under severely adverse conditions that in this chapter show no indication of abating. Overall, well done as usual.


GeraldS
I have no experience with autobiographical publishers. You can, of course, do searches on the Internet. And magazines like "Writer's Digest" and "The Writer" have some resources. There are also some helpful sites on the Internet to keep you from being victimized, like "Preditors & Editors."

I personally think it will be difficult to find much interest or encouragement from legitimate literary agents, unless you're a well-known celebrity, politician, or other public figure. Without some notoriety, I think one's life story has to be pretty unusual to garner interest in literary circles. Then, there is always self-publishing if that appeals to you. I think most (if not all) of the FS writers who list published works on their profile pages have self-published them. If you're interested, you might get helpful feedback by posing a question on one of the FS Forum sites. There may even be information on some of the older threads too.

Good luck in your quest for publication!
03-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 26 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Your writing is quite good. I think this may be the first post of yours I've read. And though I haven't read your earlier chapters, I had no difficulty following and understanding this chapter. It starts with conflict and ends with resolution. For a short piece it seems well crafted.

In the interest of providing feedback on what I've read, I will share a few of my thoughts with you. Keep in mind that they are just my opinions for what they are worth.

One thing I noticed was that a lot of your sentences began with the word "I." Sometimes several sentences in a row started out that way. This tendency bears watching. Often sentences can easily be restructured to lessen a constant barrage of "I's." I'm not suggesting total avoidance here. But I do think it's something that needs watching.

In the second paragraph: "Surely Lloyd would never do anything like that" could be simplified as "Surely Lloyd would do nothing like that." Just less words to say the same thing.

In the third paragraph, the second sentence starting "What he did around the house..." didn't read well to me. Recheck it and see what you think. Maybe something a bit different would be better, like "His household activities were not helpful; they seemed more like a charade of busywork to give the appearance he was doing his share of our chores."

The fourth paragraph starts out: "And it seemed when he did talk..." But you never indicated that he wasn't talking. How about something like: He seldom spoke to me and when he did it was always about a woman at work..."

In the fifth paragraph you introduce a new character, the therapist. Then in a subsequent sentence you refer to her by name. I had no trouble tying the two together, but you might have introduced her as Joan in the first sentence. For example: "we saw a therapist named Joan. I told her about.." The way it's presently worded the reader has to make the connection between the therapist and the woman named Joan. It seems cleaner to me if he/she doesn't have to make that connection.

In the sixth paragraph, first sentence, the word "that" is unnecessary.

In the eighth paragraph, first sentence, you might consider changing "I couldn't put my kids through such a thing as I had been through myself..." to "I couldn't put my kids through what I had experienced myself as a child." Again less words to say the same thing.

In the ninth paragraph, second sentence, you might consider changing from "I began asking questions..." to "So I asked questions..." Then: "Everyone I questioned" might be "Everyone I talked to" so that the words questions/questioned do not appear so close together. The last sentence might be replaced with: "One source even told me he had witnessed the two holding hands in the break room" or something similar.

I'm impressed with the portion of your story that I read. I think you have the makings of a fine autobiographical story.


Juliette Chamberlain
Yes, it sounded so real, I was amazed when I checked to see that you had listed it under fiction. Quite easy to change.

Warmly,
Juliette
02-Jun-2016
For the review on
Chapter 25 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

An interesting storyline which makes me want to read more.
The author's isolation is almost tangible, as she struggles with recovery, and her determination is inspirational, even if only fictional.
I saw no spags.

Warmly,


Juliette


foxangie123
I will be keeping up with it. I learned something. Hugs to you.
28-May-2016
For the review on
Chapter 18 by edieas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I hope he wouldn't have really took the kids and left. I believe you had post P depression. They have found now that can last for years and worsens by each birth if not controlled. You tell a most wonderful story.



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