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Bergbomb

giraffmang
I'll have a think about it. Yep, I'll keep an eye for more instalments.
14-Jun-2018
For the review on
chapter 1 Knucklavee by Bergbomb

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

There's a whole school of thought that says you should never start a story with the weather. It helps with creating a mood or scene setting but isn't exactly riveting. it's also become something of a cliché following in the vein of 'It was a dark and stormy night' (considered the worst opening ever by many)

I believe there is no 'k' on nucklavee and the more common spelling is nuckelavee/nuckalavee. Its origins seem to be more Norse than Irish, although this may be an amalgamation.

with the speed of shear terror as - in this instance it should be sheer.

with the speed of shear terror / beheld the terror that pursued - maybe look for an alternate for one of the usages of terror to avoid repetition so close together.

glance at it hideous shape - its.

as the things breath touched them - thing's.

Your third paragraph relies on certain word usage to carry it through, specifically till. Watch for that.

He thought to himself. - to himself is largely redundant.

except for the most striking fact that stood out on the man half as well - this is just filler and doesn't tell the reader anything.

its muscles and sinuses - maybe use sinews here rather than sinuses.

Its veins pulsating its black blood thru its red and pink body - it's normally better to spell the full word of through. Also you use its three times here. You could say something like 'Fiach could see all of its muscles and sinews; black blood pulsed through its veins.'

in the skulls face - skull's. (although it may be an idea to look at your sequencing here and mention this when describing the head as the reader gets a certain picture and then you change it with the added detail).

reflected off the streams surface - stream's.

from straying out to far or to late - too far or too late.

in search of a place were it could cross - where in this instance.

You did a good job with this. It's fast paced and the emotions come across well.
All the best
GMG


gene roush
Yes%2C that makes it easier to proof read too
03-Jun-2018
For the review on
Salvador Murphy by Bergbomb

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

In your bio on the top you say that you've done ghostwriting so I assume you've done quite a bit of editing so I'm going to lay it on you.
The starts well and has a nice feel of an old private dick story. You do an admirable job of using detail without bogging the story.
The initial dialogue with Betty can you some cleaning up. Her story gets repetitive and confusing at times.
Throughout the story there's a lot of little things that need editing; things like: "had bag."

The biggest tip I can give you about writing here is to make your post much shorter. If you get over 2000 words no one's going to seriously critique it.
This story has a lot of potential. I hope I've helped you get help here.
Good luck. Thanks for sharing.
Gene


gene roush
Yes, that makes it easier to proof read too
01-May-2018
For the review on
Salvador Murphy by Bergbomb

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

In your bio on the top you say that you've done ghostwriting so I assume you've done quite a bit of editing so I'm going to lay it on you.
The starts well and has a nice feel of an old private dick story. You do an admirable job of using detail without bogging the story.
The initial dialogue with Betty can you some cleaning up. Her story gets repetitive and confusing at times.
Throughout the story there's a lot of little things that need editing; things like: "had bag."

The biggest tip I can give you about writing here is to make your post much shorter. If you get over 2000 words no one's going to seriously critique it.
This story has a lot of potential. I hope I've helped you get help here.
Good luck. Thanks for sharing.
Gene


apky
passages not divided by the break line to define a new paragraph. Hope this helps.
29-Apr-2018
For the review on
Salvador Murphy by Bergbomb

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted


Your writing is excellent and the story is engaging. But one thing I felt straight away is that you need more dialogue than the blocked passages that tend to discourage a reader. For another thing, where you have them, your dialogue is remarkable. You should apply it more than you have done.

Keep up the good work.


gene roush
Yes, that makes it easier to proof read too
29-Apr-2018
For the review on
Salvador Murphy by Bergbomb

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

In your bio on the top you say that you've done ghostwriting so I assume you've done quite a bit of editing so I'm going to lay it on you.
The starts well and has a nice feel of an old private dick story. You do an admirable job of using detail without bogging the story.
The initial dialogue with Betty can you some cleaning up. Her story gets repetitive and confusing at times.
Throughout the story there's a lot of little things that need editing; things like: "had bag."

The biggest tip I can give you about writing here is to make your post much shorter. If you get over 2000 words no one's going to seriously critique it.
This story has a lot of potential. I hope I've helped you get help here.
Good luck. Thanks for sharing.
Gene


c_lucas
Thank you for your review and comments Bergbomb. Charlie
20-Apr-2018
For the review on
Rude Interruption by c_lucas

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

So are tumbleweed and Jerry the same person? Also I would change "shooter fired" to "had fired"
Other than that I love it, I can't wait to read the rest


Henry King
You are welcome.
04-Apr-2018
For the review on
Salvador Murphy by Bergbomb

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like the story. It has a lot of merit. The stars are for that, only.
Before you look for an ending, put this part through a strong edit. It starts in the first paragraph. Change suites to suits. They are two different things. You wear suits and live in suites. Change: Vulstead to Volstead. recites to receipts. found to fond. Id to I'd. The LA Angels were established in 1961. Klemp asks, "Do you remember ..." Sal answers, "How could I ..." That's not the answer you intended. Add the word "not" the I. The paragraph that begins with, "I followed him ..." In the sentence that starts with, "Apparently ... " is confusing, it needs a complete rewrite.


mbroyles2
Thanks.
In the future when you give three stars it would be helpful if you gave suggestions on what you didn't like and how I can improve. I do appreciate you taking the time to review.
26-Mar-2018
For the review on
The Swamp by mbroyles2

Chapter 1 of the book The Hardening

Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like where your going. You've got a good preface, I really wouldn't call this a chapter, but I would an idea of why he would try to dump the body for the gators rather than in this "pit" earlier than after he'd already left. What i really like though was that little backstory part about trying gator hunting once. Character devolpment is often over looked.


Natali Holden
It was my pleasure. I enjoy proofreading because it makes me feel helpful. Good luck with the contest.

"I've been trying to reach you since first we heard the shelling." Switch first and we so that it is we first.

"There's two thirty cal. Machine guns" machine should be lower case.

"Only the cave entrance was hit and caved in pretty early in the shelling not many of us got in time." There should be another in before time.

"but I tell ya who ever lead these ground pounders never went looking for any sky hook." who ever is one word.

"Shit,! We're getting shelled again!" You can either take out the first exclamation mark and lower case We're or take out the comma.

'Twenty minutes later' this needs taken out because it's dialogue only."Out post seven come in. Over" This will need to go back, because it will be the same person talking. Out post is one word.

"Could we get an E.T.A. On that egg beater?" On should be lower cased.

"Looks like that mortar shell made the snipers climb out of the tree's." tree's doesn't need the apostrophe.

In the whole thing, when you end with over, sometimes there's a period after, but not usually. You should go in and add the period.

These are a few mistakes I saw this time. I really enjoyed your story.

Natali ;)
28-Jul-2017
For the review on
Outpost seven by Bergbomb

Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

While reading this, I felt as if I were there and it was real. I love your story. I think you would have a good chance at winning the contest if you fixed the typos and mistakes. Here are the mistakes I spotted in it.

You might want to take out at the top where it says, "22:00 hrs" because it's dialogue only.

"Outpost seven come in do you read me." At the end it should be a question mark instead of a period.

"The name's Doug, I'm the communications officer aboard the U.S.S. Hamilton Over." Is there supposed to be a period after Hamilton?

"It took us two hours to unblock the ruble but when we did there weren't that many left to bring inside." ruble should be spelled rubble.

"I'd been told that these Koreans would charge into fights head first, but I tell ya who ever lead these ground pounders never wheat looking for any sky hook." I think lead is supposed to be led. And is wheat supposed to be went?

"If you give me coowardinates" coowardinates should be spelled coordinates.

"Their coming from a mile north of my position. Over" It should be they're instead of their.

"I might be wrong, but I think he wants me to look through some of this ruble and try to give him instructions so he can shoot the mortar at the enemy." Ruble is spelled wrong again, should be rubble.

"I'eve just been told that the chopped right over you. Over" I'eve should be I've.

"I can here that." Is it supposed to be hear?

If you were to fix everything, I could see myself rating this with six stars. Amazing entry and best of luck in the contest!

Natali ;)


kathleenspalding
You're welcome
17-Jul-2017
For the review on
Gereths cabin by Bergbomb

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Excellent and well told story, but you do need to go over it for SPAG. Especially look for "your"s that should be "you're" (contraction of you are), and mix up of were/where. Glad you didn't kill Chad.
Meeting up for pizza-maybe make it clear that they are in a restaurant. I thought he was at her house, so was confused by the Let me call Steve paragraph.



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