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Dark Covenant

Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Dead Man's Creek Part2"
The Berwick Witches Series: Book One

30 total reviews 
Comment from --Turtle.
Excellent
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Charlton whipped his head to the right. Nothing but blackness stood before him. The veins were pounding in his neck and his lips quivered.
(His pulse pounded in his neck? Or His pulse pounded in the veins of his neck? Veins don't really pound on their own, and a pulse is only in veins, It's an odd image, pounding veins. I also would suggest to split the two sentences to amp up the pace. Short sentences read faster. Reading faster makes the scene feel more urgent. You may already know this... I'm just explaining why I'm suggesting the split of the longer into two shorter here.)

His forehead wrinkled as he slid a shaky hand to his crotch. It was wet. "Fuck."
(Paused here to reassess the POV, or at least the POV in this single sentence. How can he see his forehead and in who's POV is noticing the wet crotch. It's an inside and outside wording at the same time, but not. This may just be my disorientation of entering a chapter where a lot of people are. Someone is watching Char, I just may have to orient more)


"You know what's in that tube, that's why you're taking it to the state lab. So don't play stupid," Dex said. (suggest moving Dex up closer, so the reader knows it is Dex before the end of the sentence.)

fraid of you smirk crept upon his face. "Or what?" h(H)e looked into River's eyes.
Action tag correction


them rape me? Jesus Christ!"
(I like the flow of dialogue, thought it was amusing he would just to the worry of being raped.)



"Holy Mother of God.(,)" Charlton said, making the sign of the cross.
(dialog tag punctuation correction)


"Nah," River grinned. "How about making him play fetch with our friends?"
(I don't think you can grin a sentence. "Nah." River grinned. )



He called Ben for help, but within minutes, dropped the phone from his ear. He twisted his mouth at Ben's rapidly firing questions squeeking out of the ear piece.
(This was weird, I don't know if the image played out right I didn't understand why the phone was dropping. I don't know about this section)

The chapter was good, I enjoyed the action, I thought the dialog was strong. The POV, I was a bit disoriented on, but that could be because I came in at a high action scene and aren't familiar with your voice or intent of voice. Glad the wolves got the blood from Char.

Turtle.

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
    Thank you so much, Turtlestage5. Spent all morning on this thing and still missed a heap. I had changed the 'phone call' part before or while you were read and reviewing, so don't know if it will still be confusing to you. The only POV is River. The rest are similes and metaphors (descriptive writing) from the narrator. The narrator, as you already know, has to describe the action and even the smallest details surrounding the characters. Hope I've done that. However, I did make all of the corrections that you suggested. Thanks for your help. Hope you will continue supporting my book. I really need more reviewers like you. Blessings.
reply by --Turtle. on 09-Jun-2015
    Knowing that your intent is River's POV with a hand from a narrator is good for helping me pinpoint why I might get turned around in any places, isolate word phrases that 'throw the voice' so to speak. You're welcome on the review. I need a few reviewers like me too. ; ) Someone who doesn't have the good sense to just tell writer's what I think they want to hear, but also has some sensibility to try and be ... sensible? I spend way too long on any one review to make enough money to promote to the front page. I do like the werewolf lore tho. And this isn't the first chapter of this I've come across.

    My brain is admittedly fried tonight on the phone call, I rechecked, I see the change, but I still pause on it. He calls. The narrator sets that time has passed, but there is a void of motion or sound or tone of the call. Then he is dropping the phone away from his ear. There is something I can't put my finger on that I know is ... making me pause to stare at it.

    I know that probably isn't much help by itself, but at least if another reviewer comes along and can put it to words better than I, at least that reviewer might not be a lone crazy person poking at a paragraph. Or maybe I'm the lone crazy poking at a paragraph. I'm always an avid cheerleader of never change anything you aren't on board and understanding with the changing of.
Comment from Deejharrington
Excellent
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I am just starting to review again, so I am new to your novel. I do enjoy a good werewolf story and this appears to be the great start to one. I thought the characters were quickly formed and identifiable. Though, Charlton does seem like quite a weeb. I guess we'd all act that way when confronted by half dozen changing werewolves. You've established a terrific plot and I look forward to getting into it more. Well done.

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
    Thank you so much, Harrington. Welcome aboard my book. Hope you'll stay for the rest of the journey.
Comment from chasennov
Excellent
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Chapter 21 of the book Dark Covenant The Berwick Witches Series: Book 1 "Dead Man's Creek Part2" This is an excellent chapter you have created here. It was written with powerful narrative which I appreciate in a story. Well done.

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
    thank you very much.
reply by chasennov on 09-Jun-2015
    You are most welcome.
Comment from ShaneS
Excellent
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Great read! Well written, brutal scene. I enjoyed it... Good descriptions, dialogue flowed nicely, the narrative was gripping and kept me reading. Couldn't find any typos or issues with it. Well done!

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
    Thank you very much. So glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from giraffmang
Excellent
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Hi there,

Another good solid chapter here.
The dialogue flows very well (I have a special interest in how other writers handle this!).
Moving the story on well. The writing is both good and accessible.
The last line gave me a smile - only the essentials?

Nicely done.
GMG

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
    Thank you so much, GMG. I really appreciate your support of my book.
Comment from pbroussard209
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Great chapter, I'm a bit behind my computer crashed and I just got it up and running yesterday, (lazy husband) lol. I love the fear you put into Chalton, it was descriptive with a little added humor to cut through the tenseness. I really enjoyed it.

Trish

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
    Thank you so much, Trish. I really appreciate your support for my book. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Excellent
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You used a creative mix of suspense and humor to tell the story of what happened to poor Charlton as he tried to run from the werewolves with his vial of blood. To his credit, he turned it over without incident. Another good chapter!
Rhonda

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
    Thank you, Rhonda. So glad you're still supporting my book. I really appreciate, my dear.
reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 08-Jun-2015
    It's a wonderful story. Very creative!
reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 08-Jun-2015
    Likewise. I always value your reviews and support!
    Rhonda
Comment from kriver
Excellent
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Hi
This is a really good chapter.
It held my interest well.
It had lots of action that's a good thing it keeps the reader interested.
The scene descriptions were well done.
The character inter actions and dialogue were pretty good. There was a problem in the dialogue: Alright Alright (Its) change to (there's) no need.... reason it is awkward The saying uses the word (there's)
2. He called Ben they talked back and forth (that's telling not showing) need to include the whole conversation or just make it very short.
The other problems I see are: 1. If they chain the wolves at night, how did they get loose to go out at night to chase this guy? That needs explanation.
2. If they crashed into the van there would be damage to both the car and van.
Why doesn't Charlton call the cops and get those guys for hit and run and assault with intent to commit great bodily harm evidence: The tooth mark that drew blood match DNA to the one teen. Paint exchanged when hit/ damage will match.
Anyways those are some things to think about because readers will have those questions too. So they need to be addressed in the story line. But generally I think it is a good interesting story. What is the audience age group that you are aiming for? Because if it is preteen /teen I would loose the swearing and four letter words most parents would not allow their kids to read a book like that. I know I wouldn't allow it. Even if they hear the words all the time in school or on the street. I still would not allow it and I don't most other parents would either. Therefore you will be substantially limiting your reading audience.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
    Thank you, Kriver for supporting my book. However, I don't know how to answer all of those questions, because many of your questions have already been answered in chapters 1 thru 20. As far as show and tell, there's enough show and tell. Even experts will tell you, you can't show everything; you've got to tell the story too. You just have to know when to tell and when to show. Calling the cops: it's hard to talk on a phone when you need both hands to keep someone from running you off the road, then running for your life in the dark woods. And "Alright Alright -- there's vs it's. That's dialogue. I don't change the way my characters speak. This guy is standing in front of six werewolves. I don't his grammar is going to be all that good. All of your question cannot be answered in one chapter. Those who keep up with the book are not confused. I hope this helps. Oh, and I don't write children's books. I wish I could.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Excellent
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Really scary this chapter, Amahra - reminds me of
Werewolf in NewYork. A film I watched years ago.

Lets just send - Let's

"You('re) kidding me, right?

"It's a shame[,] that in about five - here Amahra, by using "that" in this way it makes it a run-on sentence - thus no comma


Charlton stood--not so brave now. He kept his eyes on the men. A lump rose in his throat. The men got down on all fours--their eyes turned a deep yellow. Their skin darkened as fur grew out and covered their razor-bump skins. Bones cracked, faces elongated. Six inch fangs and claws appeared. --- great descriptive paragraph.


Margaret

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
    Hey, Margaret. Thank you for your continued support of my book. I really appreciate it. I made two corrections you pointed out. The last one you['re] is slang dialogue; so. I kept that in.
reply by Margaret Snowdon on 08-Jun-2015
    Okey doke!!
Comment from thee-name
Excellent
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.

Charlton's body grew stiff, and his breathing deepened. He took a quick peek to his left. Seeing no body attached to the voice, he snatched his head back inside the tree hole.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015


reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
    Thank you for your time.
reply by thee-name on 08-Jun-2015
    thank you!